It’s been a year since I last posted about you, but it’s also been 3 years since you and I have last seen or talked to each other, and after all this time I believe we still have a lot of unsaid words between us; we just never got closure. If you never want to talk to me again, I’ll understand, but I wish you would let me explain why I did what I did.
You’ve popped up in my dreams a few times this week, and even though it wasn’t real, it was nice to be friendly with you again. I used to have awkward “does he hate me?” interactions, but lately it’s been nice to actually have no bad blood between us even if it was only in a dream. Last night, I dreamt that you smiled at something I said. It reminded me of how things were before we became a couple and how we’d joke about anything and was just always laughing at stupid things. It also reminded me of our early relationship stage of how I genuinely enjoyed your presence before things started going downhill. During the dream, all I could think about was how long it’s been since I last made you smile like that. I almost forgot how happy we used to be. Dreams like that make it harder to reach out to you because it gives me hope that you’d welcome me back into your life so easily despite our situation.
My mind still goes back to the past, and Nes knows that I’m constantly haunted by our breakup. I’m positive we’re truly happy at where we are in life right now. I just miss having a a friend. Since Tiff left, I haven’t had a friend who I can reminisce with, but since our breakup, I’ve accepted that we’re probably never going to speak again. It’s definitely a tough thought because I still care about you even though we’re not on great terms. Having bad blood with you is the only reason why I keep getting pulled back to square one. I have never regretted my decision in leaving, but I do regret not being an adult and talking to you face-to-face like you wanted. I replay our last conversation in my head of you pleading “We can’t end like this. Let’s talk about it,” and.I refused. The truth is I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you in person because I knew we were toxic, but I knew I would have gone back to you in a heartbeat.
When I finally had the courage to turn my back on you, I cried saying goodbye and officially closing the door (metaphorically) on four-years of memories. In your eyes, I was leaving everything we accomplished behind, but in my eyes, I loved you SO MUCH that I just couldn’t stay. I couldn’t keep hurting you...hurting US. I had to leave so we could be happy for once in our lives even if it meant being happy without each other. Until the very end, I’ve always wanted what was best for you. You were my safety net, but a toxic one. As much as you thought I was the greatest thing for you, I knew I was holding you back from what you were fully capable of being.
In a perfect world, we could have taken the time to solve all our hurt, lies, and pain, but we were too damaged to even know where to begin. The anchor that held our relationship together was dragging us down to where we were nearly drowning in our own mess. It was too late. We couldn’t fix it. One of us had to let go. That’s why I left. Even towards the end of us, all I thought and cried about was how I truly thought you’d be “the one.” I was so terrified of starting over with someone new that I would have settled for you. At one point, I was so confident that you and I would get married, start a family, and even grow old together until I woke up from that fairytale. I really wanted it to be you though...
The one song I will always associate you wish is I Bet by Ciara. There’s a lyrics that goes “Right now it’s killing me cause now I have to find someone else when all I wanted was you.” Despite every negative thing that happened between us during our relationship and after, that line reminds me how badly I wanted to stay with you. I knew I would have chosen you again and again, and I would have ran back to you even if it was Nes I was trying to run away with. You were my home, my comfort, the one I hoped to last FOREVER with, but I knew I couldn’t do that because I cared about me more.
Deep down, we knew we were both too young and inexperienced to try and fix what was already broken. Sometimes I wonder how things would be if we actually stuck it out and stayed together. Would we actually have reached our individual and couple goals despite being on different paths? I just wish I had someone to talk about this kind of stuff, and I wish you didn’t hate me enough to actually give us closure. I know how selfish it sounds that I’m now the one asking to talk when I was the main one who turned you away the first time. Regardless of everything, I want you to know one thing— I have always loved you. If we actually had a positive relationship, I would have continuously chosen you. Thank God things turned out differently though.
You may not have the same feelings about me as before, but one thing that’s true is you loved me once. At one point in our lives, we were both eachother’s greatest loves and eachother’s everything. You were mine just as much as I was yours, and I loved you in the best way I knew how. One day I hope you understand that I did what I did because of love. You deserved and I deserved happiness and reciprocated love from people who were willing to give us the world. I’ve made my everlasting mark in your mind and heart and that’s enough for me.
The next time we cross paths whether it’s in this world or the next, please understand that I have always loved you in my own way. I hope you continue to strive for success because I always knew you were destined for so much more without me at your side. I wish you the best, Niels. Until we meet again.
