this is home.
during one of your most stressed moments, jinx checks up on you- and you're finally able to talk to her. reader: male. [d/n] = dead name.
you had been through plenty of stressful situations. you were basically jinx's mini-me, you accompanied her everywhere, of course you'd been through a lot. but for some reason this... this confusion brought you so, so, so much more stress.
you'd been pacing for god-knows-how-long at this point. from your shoulders hung a baggy sweater, concealing your body. one of your hands rubbed the back of your head, up and down, feeling the shaggy, hastily-cut hair. jinx had been giving you weird looks about it ever since you took the scissors to it. even if she asked, you adamantly avoided the question.
why were you about to cry? what the fuck?
good god, you were a mess. the thoughts in your mind were so loud it just went right back to sounding like static. you desperately wanted to talk to jinx about all this because you always talked to jinx about stuff, but that just heightened your anxiety. what would she say? what would she think? you knew her well, but you also knew she was unpredictable.
obviously.
"heyy, honeybun?"
you stopped in your tracks at the sound of her voice. your body chilled. "y-" you cleared your throat, "yeah? what- what's up?"
"can i come innn?" she sang. you cursed under your breath. her tone was indecipherable.
how badly you wanted to say no.
"sure. come on in."
the door swung open. simply seeing jinx brought you some degree of comfort, though it didn't do much to make you feel better for real. your stomach still mercilessly churned and yelled at you. your head still screamed.
"hey, cutie-patooty! what'cha doing?" jinx greeted you, at first, with a big smile. though it quickly disappeared. "you okay? you look super stressed."
"i-i mean, i am," you forced a laugh. she narrowed her eyes at you, scrunching her nose slightly.
"why?"
that one word made you want to throw up. you looked away, crossing your arms tight across your bound chest. "i- i don't- i'm... nothing."
"that's just an obvious lie, toots! if ya don't wanna tell me, just say so, okay?"
"that's the- that's the damn problem! you're my girlfriend, i wanna tell you, out of everyone i should tell you, but i-i- i just can't, right now, okay? can- just leave me alone right now. please?" the moment you raised your voice, you flinched, shutting yourself up. you never liked even slightly raising your voice. it wasn't even that loud! but in your mangled mind it sounded like a scream.
"hey, hey, hey! woah, sweets, what is goin' on? hey, look at me, okay? look at me." her touch was so gentle. it immediately made your eyes brim with tears. jinx made you look at her, her eyes glimmering with a strangely worried look. it looked so strange.
"j-jinx, really, i-... i can't talk about this." your voice trembled painfully. each syllable was fighting back sobs.
"[d/n]-"
"don't- don't call me that right now!"
shock took over her expression. for a moment, her brows furrowed, confused and perhaps slightly weirded out by your behavior. "okay, okay! jeez, toots, what's goin' on with you? you chop off all your hair, throw out most'a your clothes, all the wrap bandages've gone missing- what's happening? no matter what, you can talk with me, y'know."
"how do i know that for sure? you know better than anyone that people... people lie! a-and i don't- i don't know if you'll lie to me!" though tears spilled down your red cheeks, the sobs stopped at your throat. it hurt like hell.
"i would never lie to you! i swear, i swear! i'll swear on whatever ya want me to! look in my eyes!"
your gaze met hers. the pure worry you were met with still confused you, coming from jinx. but it comforted you. not a lot, but maybe just enough.
"i won't ever betray your trust, sweetheart. okay? i promise. i swear. i vow on all the gods! a'right? so just tell me what's goin' on. i will help you." perhaps that worry was double-sided. what did she think was going on? your heart ached, making her fear this much for you. did she think you betrayed her, betrayed zaun? did she think you harmed yourself or someone else? well, you had done that.
"i-i... i don't, i don't feel right in this fff... fucking body. i hate it. i hate it so much. i'm not a goddamn- i'm not a girl! and i'm not [d/n]! i don't- i don't even know who i am and it hurts and i don't like this life anymore!" you found yourself rambling, breaking down. never before had you been this vulnerable with jinx and you didn't like it. you were bearing your soul to someone who could still hurt you upon seeing what it really was.
"hey, hey, it's okay, toots. it's alright. can- can y'breathe for me? breathe with me, okay? like you taught me to. in and out, yeah?" trying your best to keep from hyperventilating, you breathed with her, harshly wiping your tears with your sleeve.
"you aren't a girl. and that's- that's perfectly fine! you aren't a girl. you aren't [d/n]. why would i ever deny you that?"
those words made you wanna cry again. maybe you should've expected jinx, of all people, to accept you. yet you'd managed to convince yourself she wouldn't.
"i-i... don't know. i was just- i was just so scared that... i would tell you this and you would... hate me. or you would call me crazy." you sniffled, trying to fight back another wave of tears. jinx pulled you into a tight hug which you could barely return, gently stroking the back of your head with her fingertips, letting you cry into her shoulder.
"i don't think i have the right to call anyone crazy!" jinx joked. and you laughed. never before had she been so relieved to hear that heavenly sound, be it cloaked in stress and cries or not. "but this ain't crazy, sweets. this is you. you aren't a girl! so... are ya a boy?"
"y-yeah."
"nice! so i have a handsome li'l boyfriend! and i love ya just the same, i always will, no matter what you identify as. you're you! you're- uh... what's your name?" her words were lined with the bubbly tone you were used to. just that could heal your heartache. soften the blow of dysphoria.
"uhm... [y/n]." you answered hesitantly.
"[y/n]," jinx echoed. "that's a perfect name for ya." you hugged her a little tighter, and she could feel you smile against her shoulder.
"i love you, [y/n]. a'right? you're you, my precious honey bunny!" she cupped your cheeks, pulling away from you to be able to look at you. even when you looked stressed, tired, worried, all of the above- she still wanted to gaze at your perfect face.
"my precious sugar cookie honey bunny sweetheart pumpkin cutie pie!" she sprinkled your face and lips with kisses, trying and succeeding in making you smile and giggle. "i love you! always and forever, just like before, alright?"
"i love you too," you managed, sniffling for the last time. gazing at her, there was the familiar, overflowing love you were used to. it hadn't changed. maybe it grew a little.
"of course ya do!" she giggled, pulling you in for another tight hug. "so! how about we go see some'n to get your hair properly taken care of, huh? i mean, don't get me wrong, i love the uneven look. but my pretty boy deserves a proper first-time haircut!"
the pure euphoria.
"i-i mean, yeah. what- do you think anyone will... bother either of us for me being..." you trailed off.
"sweets, they won't have the chance. if anyone even looks at ya funny, i'm gonna see to it that they can't look at you again!"
you couldn't help but laugh a little. "thank you."
"it's the least i could do, [y/n]. you're mine, i gotta take care a'ya. and no matter what you need, i'll get it for you. okay? no matter who i need to bribe to smuggle it in." she pressed a few kisses to the top of your head, swaying you both back and forth.
"i love you so much. g-god, i'm lucky."
"i love you more, precious!"