❝ if you’re leaving, i gotta know why. ❞
lord huron sentence starters.
the finalizer is dead silent save for beeps and a distant whir of doors opening, the occasional thump on floors as stormtroopers march down winding corridors. the duffel bag is hauled over his shoulder, essentials shoved inside along with wrapped up food for a long journey ahead of him. all his money shoved into a pocket of his robes. he sets out from his quarters, skin crawling.
it’s too much. it’s all too much. the war and everything that comes with it. the night prior he had a dream about the day he and ben solo kylo ren brought about the end of those they called their brothers and sisters, their friends and, to an extent, their family. the screams echoed in his ears, terrified faces in his mind. children his age and even younger dropping dead to the ground.
then the victims that came later. followed by the instance where he retrieved the scar marring his face, where a stormtrooper burnt and dead fell to the ground before him, the one who took the full brunt of the explosion set off from his misstep. he remembered his parents’ faces, and then he thought he heard them crying and asking him what had happened to their dear child.
the hangar is oddly empty. only a few troopers crossing the expanse, no one really giving him a second thought. they must think he’s just on some routine mission for intel. no one stops him, asks him questions, and he moves to his little ship. the ramp slides downwards, he begins making his way inside when—
“if you’re leaving, i gotta know why.”
he freezes, blood running cold. the last thing he wanted was for a fellow knight to catch him. especially leva. he doesn’t want to explain, doesn’t want her to watch him go. but perhaps he’d rather leave with her face fresh in his mind. even so, the memories of each victory, laugh, argument replay in his head. shining eyes, little smiles, embarrassed blushes. andacis turns, slowly, to find leva having moved only a foot behind him.
“i—…” he doesn’t know what to say. would she think him weak for leaving? because he can’t take it anymore? andacis stares, sadly, reaches out and sees her tense as his fingertips brush against her cheek. a shaky inhale taken, he leans forward and draws her into an embrace like he’s done so many times before. inky black hair stroked slowly, he draws back only after pressing a firm kiss to her forehead. “sorry, leva. i’m not as strong as you thought i was.”
there’s a lump in his throat. “i’m not going to the resistance. i don’t— don’t know where i’m going, actually. but it’s gonna be far away. please don’t come looking for me.” vision is growing bleary. andacis doesn’t let himself cry. leva reaches out, brows furrowed, and he shies away.
“i’m sorry. i love you, leva. you know that. and— tell him i love him, too.”
andacis doesn’t hear her response, doesn’t see her expression because he turns away fast and walks quickly into the ship. the ramp slides into place, locking itself so it does not open during the trip. the droid in the corner is activated, he tosses his bag aside, then settles in the pilot’s seat.
it’s about halfway into the journey to corellia that he realizes there’s tears running fast down his face.