The leatherbound pages felt heavy on his palms as claw-tipped fingers followed the invisible shapes etched into the cover. Once a gift from a friend, Katsuki had never seen much use to transcribing his thoughts upon paper. At least, until he lost his memories that is.
Bearing feelings without memories had been one of the worst tortures he had been made to withstand in all his years of life. To know there were people important to him, but being completely unable to recall why they were so important? Just thinking about it now, he's so grateful for Artemis and Persy helping with the locks.
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Monday, June 11th, 20XX
Uh, how is someone supposed to start something like this? Do I say hi? Wait, why would I? It's not like anyone else is going to read this.
Ugh. Am I really this lame?
Whatever. The internet said that keeping a journal of things helps people with amnesia so I thought I might just give it a shot. In any case, I can just burn this thing and no one will ever know I wrote on it.
But uh... it's been a day, give or take, since Artemis and I returned from the Underworld. And to say the least, it's been a shitshow.
Maybe it was a mistake logging into the chat so soon, or at all really. But I couldn't just leave Japan while still having memories of Geten and Twice. I was tempted to, still am, but at least if I do I'll make sure to bring Geten with me this time. (I doubt they would want to come with but a man can dream).
I remembered someone else again. Kaminari. My feelings got the best of me yesterday and I didn't dwell into it further but I can now remember him more clearly. A kitsune but also a kid, young and bright and light. He called me out on my bullshit back when I was trying to run away from...(?) and made me come back. I don't believe we were close but... I feel like he was pack? Maybe? There's a thrum in my soul where the leftover pack bonds still are whenever I recall my memories of him.
Spent the night at Twice's yesterday, felt like both Geten and I needed the support. Them and Twice are the only ones I have right now, especially with Kaminari still mad at me. We might need to talk at some point when things don't feel as shaky.
When I arrived and before I left I noticed these... weird flashes of feelings. It's weird like my brain knows something that I'm still missing. Made me stop by the wall next to the dumpster and I cried again but I didn't understand why. Something important must've happened there but no matter how much I try to force the memories out but they don't come.
The messages I've sent before make me feel bittersweet. Like reading a novel, it feels real but fictional at the same time, reading things that the me with all the memories and the experiences wrote.
Swearwolves seems to be the leader of the chat but maybe the leader of the pack I've forgotten too. There's no real evidence in our chats but I seemed to show distinct deference to him, asking him for his permission before dealing with a ghost and his plans for Geten's rescue. I have no recollection of him though so I must assume he was important enough for me to forget. (Wonder why he texted me about not kicking me out of the wards though...?)
Red Rover... reading my texts with him had me more than surprised. We weren't "mates" as the rules call it, hell! we hadn't even gone on a date before I had to leave, but we were close. Somehow. I'm still questioning how that even happened. He seems like the complete opposite of me (and yes, this was even mentioned in one of the chats), but it seemed to still work for us. He texted me while I was gone too, and even after the shitshow last night. He said he would wait for me to be ready but I wonder if it's wise for me to stay around him. There's no guarantee I will actually recover all of my memories, and he doesn't deserve to wait for someone that might never be the same again. Guess that's another thing I'll have to think about.
There's another thing I noticed though. It's become harder to summon my fire and I've been consuming souls at a quicker rate than before. I wonder why that is and if it has something to do with the memory lock?
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Tuesday, June 12th, 20XX
Day three ever since I came back from the Underworld. Things haven't been any easier when it comes to memories.
Kaminari has been talked to and we seem to have fixed things for now. He's made me swear to never leave again or to at least tell him if I'm leaving. Of course, I agreed to it.
I managed to locate the whereabouts of my bike and fit another piece of the puzzle that is the life I've forgotten about. Seems like I used to live by the edge of the Dagobah Reserve, in the Shigaraki Estate along with the other members of the new pack. How that came to be, I'm not really sure and the people I could ask... well...
Swearwolves seem to be the alpha (as I had previously assumed), and the owner of the estate. He has allowed me to stop by tomorrow so I can retrieve my bike but those texts just before I left still worry me.
What was it that I said that could've had me worrying that I wouldn't be welcome back at the estate?
I do not know yet, and the only person that might know (according to previous texts at least) is Red. And we both know why I can't just text him. It's still weird feeling like this, that longing for something, someone, that I can't remember. If the picture he sent me does him any justice, he's quite handsome so I can understand why I was attracted to him in the first place.
But no, I can't dwell on this yet. I just hope I won't have to see him tomorrow because I'm not sure how that's going to go.
How is one supposed to deal with offending his pack's alpha when one can't even remember what was said?
Well... There was always one way but he worried. If his eating habits from both yesterday and today were any indications, he was growing weaker. Fire didn't burn as hot, and he was tired more often, lethargic. It wasn't too bad yet, but he had to up his dosage of souls.
Guess he would have to see how that visit went.