He frowned as Merlin pulled them apart, looking up at him as Merlin explained that everything was alright. It hadn’t been alright. Merlin was upset. He was crying. Arthur looked down at his hands in his lap, sighing as he tried to put the pieces together. “I have to wait for the count to happen again, Merlin?” He gestured back toward the living room, taking Merlin’s hand. He didn’t try to yank Merlin back toward the TV, just sitting still. Arthur was confused.
“Could we count again or have we missed it now?” He knew that Merlin had explained over and over throughout the night that the time was special. He’d gotten exasperated with him constantly asking why they couldn’t go to sleep throughout the night. “When does the celebration happen again? I promise, Merlin… I’ll do it right. I can do better. I just didn’t know it was supposed to happen… You normally warn me when things happen. Like the moving box or the new carriage.” He hesitated a bit over the words, not remembering the vocabulary for the unfamiliar things and needing to describe them. He knew it exasperated Merlin to constantly repeat the new words, but he couldn’t remember. Especially when he wasn’t taking the proper time to think.
Arthur wasn’t thinking. He wasn’t calculated, simply trying to rush to explain that he hadn’t meant to ruin the celebration and fix it before the time changed again. With his luck, another holiday was waiting to take this one’s place just as quickly as this one had usurped Christmas or Christmas had overtaken Thanksgiving. Holidays happened so fast in this time. Arthur was terrified to kiss Merlin, but what if they could only kiss during this holiday and he’d ruined it. He worried that Merlin had waited for that moment because it was the rule. He could kiss men, but only with that celebration.
“Please, Merlin… Just let me fix it. I didn’t… I didn’t know any better.” Arthur was trying so hard not to start crying again now that he was in front of Merlin without the door between them. But, he was begging for some way to fix it and he didn’t understand. Why hadn’t Merlin explained this custom to him before it happened? He had explained everything else so carefully. “I want the…” He gestured a bit like swiping a credit card, trying to remember the word for the thing Merlin kept using to hold money and drive cars. It meant Merlin could drive and Arthur could not. “I want one, too.”
Merlin shook his head at him, letting Arthur try to think it through for himself. He knew his friend would never understand anything if he did all of the thinking and explaining for him. However, he pulled his hand toward him and gave it a squeeze, letting him know that he was there and that things were okay. “No, Arthur, there’s no counting again. At least not for another year, it’s alright.” Was Arthur thinking that they had to wait til the holiday again to kiss? Is that why he was so insistent? He wasn’t sure, but watching him puzzle it out was adorable and amusing, not that the thoughts could be seen on his face. “Hey hey, it’s alright. There’s been no ruining of anything, okay?” He pulled Arthur in, tugging him in close for a hug, burrowing his face in his neck for a moment as he held him there and rubbed at his back in comfort. “I know all of this is confusing, but you’ll get it. Just because it didn’t work out this time, doesn’t mean we’ll never do that again. I just don’t want you feeling like you have to rush into something that you’re not ready for.” He pulled back to give them both some space and then watching Arthur’s actions, he thought about what he was trying to say for a moment before letting out a burst of laughter. He couldn’t help it. It wasn’t a mocking laugh, but a truly amused one. Honestly, even though he’d been upset earlier, he hadn’t laughed or smiled this much in years. “There’s no id for kissing boys or girls. Trust me, I would know. You can do that whenever, there’s no rules. You can be yourself, truly and authentically you. The times have come a long way. We can be with who we want to be. Will there be judgement? Yes, of course, unfortunately. But we can be ourselves and be with who we want to be. No cards required.” Reaching out again, Merlin curled his fingers around Arthur’s and brought his hand to his mouth to kiss it. “And anyway, we’ve not really gone about any of this properly. I should have taken you on a date first.”
Arthur was trying to understand, face dropping when Merlin said the counting holiday didn’t come back for another year. But, Merlin was tugging him in for a hug and Arthur did allow it. He’d gotten a bit better with touch, learning slowly that it didn’t make him weak. He needed the help when they went out since he didn’t understand a lot of things. It was a good way to warn Merlin that he was overwhelmed or to keep Arthur close when something might be dangerous. Hugs were a bit different than holding hands, but he was slowly learning to accept touch. Especially when there was some warning it was coming.
He pulled back a bit when Merlin started laughing at him, watching him in confusion. “It’s not funny, MERlin… You know I don’t understand. I thought… You said that’s why I’m not allowed to drive. You have an ID and I don’t. And there’s a complicated test… I thought this was the test and I failed. I thought that was why you didn’t warn me… You normally warn me when something happens.”
Arthur didn’t know how things worked. He was trying, but he didn’t completely understand. Some part of him understood that Merlin was worried about how Arthur would react. He wasn’t raised in the most tolerant situation. Merlin had been from a little village without all the pressure of being a king and he had time to adjust properly to this time. He was still so new. He still had Uther’s voice in the back of his head.
The words were new, but Arthur pieced them together as Merlin kissed his hand. It made him blush a bright pink as he tried to wrap his mind around it. “Merlin… I just… I know we don’t go outside much because of me. I just wanted to get this right. I have to be able to get things right when we’re alone at least or you’ll never be able to take me outside with people.”
“If I let you drive, there would be chaos. That you do need training for. Honestly, how you were married before is beyond me. It’s not so different being with boys as it is girls, just so you know. We’re all people. Just treat this how you would’ve with Gwen, hm?” He hoped reminders of the past would help Arthur to realize that things weren’t so different after all. Times had changed, but people still wanted to be treated with kindness and love. Merlin had gone so long without either really that he was unsure what he was going to do if they did end up properly courting each other one day. “I’m not stopping you from going out, Arthur. We can go outside more often. Maybe that would be better for you to interact with people, help you get acquainted with the world. As for everything else, let’s just forget about it for now, okay? It’s late as it is and we both know you’re going to be crabby when you wake up tomorrow if you stay up any later.” The last bit was said in teasing, no matter how much of it was true. Arthur had never been a morning person, some things never changed. “Don’t stress too much about all of this. I know you probably don’t want to hear declarations, but I love you. I have waited well over a thousand years for you, I can wait however long you need.” And either way, he wasn’t sure that Arthur was in the right place for a relationship yet. He didn’t know what he’d been thinking earlier other than he’d been getting caught up in the moment of it all. “Why don’t we get ready for bed. It’s …,” Merlin glanced at the clock, raising his eyebrows. “Nearly one a.m now, blimey, I’ve let you be a bad influence on me.” He teased Arthur again with a grin.
He sighed, pouting a bit. “I know that you’re not stopping me… It just seems like such a chore to take me out and I don’t want to keep causing trouble.” Arthur knew that Merlin had waited a long time for him to come back specifically so he could help Arthur with these things, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. He felt bad that he wasn’t self-sufficient anymore. Arthur had always been pushed to handle things on his own, even as a child. He didn’t know how to lean on someone for everything. It was easier when they stayed home. Arthur could handle things when they were just home.
He wasn’t sure how to treat this like he had Gwen. It felt so different. His father would certainly forbid both, but it felt different. He wasn’t on nearly steady footing. He hadn’t known so much about Merlin before and it was strange trying to push himself in a different direction. But, Merlin outright said that he loved him and Arthur couldn’t help pulling away a bit. Arthur whined, crossing his arms over his chest as he pouted and glared up at Merlin. “I would not be crabby, MERlin… I am perfectly capable of staying up a bit late.” He yawned, shivering with the force of it as his eyes watered. “I’m not even tired… You’re tired, Merlin…”
Arthur was fully exhausted, but he refused to admit it. He yawned again, rubbing a hand over his face to mask it a bit as he climbed from Merlin’s bed to go to his own room. He hesitated at the doorway, pointedly pushing Merlin’s door as open as possible. “Don’t lock it again, Merlin… Please.” He was trying to hide the more pleading and nervous tones of his voice by being quieter, but they were clearly there. No matter how much he tried to make it sound more scolding and commanding, it was clearly tainted with worry and anxiety. It wasn’t like Arthur had a chance of waking first, but he was still worried that he wouldn’t be able to find Merlin. He walked back to his room, wiping sleep from his eyes as he started yawning more freely.
Merlin rolled his eyes at him, however fond the gesture was, his king could be ridiculous sometimes. “Says the man who’s yawning right now. Honestly, Arthur.” He was tired, he could admit that to himself, but he didn’t need Arthur to gloat. Merlin had a feeling that it would be good for the both of them to get some rest. Tomorrow would be a new and better day for them. “I won’t shut you out,” Merlin said, voice soft as he watched Arthur go to the door. He didn’t expect Arthur to get so anxious over it, Merlin wanting a moment alone while he had panicked to himself before about kissing him. Things were different now, he couldn’t just stomp off where Arthur was involved even if he knew it was best for him . “Goodnight, Arthur,” Merlin said, voice gentle as he watched him go. He sighed, leaning back in bed again and closing his eyes. He really should get up and get cleaned up, but the overwhelming emotions of the night lulled Merlin to sleep. He curled up in bed, pulling a pillow close as if it was Arthur he was closing and slept. However fitful his sleep was, Merlin did go to sleep that night, dreaming of a better future with Arthur even if he wasn’t sure if he would get that with him.
Arthur returned to his room, stretching and yawning as he looked at the space. It had been so carefully maintained and curated for him, but it also made him so sad when Merlin first showed it to him. Merlin had kept so much space for so long, just waiting for Arthur to return. He felt bad that Merlin had done all of that on just a vague promise that he would be back.
As much as Arthur felt uncomfortable with the words, it was also so clear that Merlin loved him. Just seeing how Merlin had waited centuries upon centuries for him proved it. Arthur left his door open as well, deciding to return the favor since Merlin was doing it for him. He didn’t like how nervous he was, but he’d been scared when the door wouldn’t open and he couldn’t find Merlin. He didn’t like admitting it. It felt childish and weak to be so afraid of a simple locked door.
He changed into baggy clothing just to be more comfortable. Arthur eventually laid down to a fitful sleep. It wasn’t abnormal for him to have little nightmares that he hid from Merlin. He could normally manage to keep just quiet enough that Merlin wouldn’t know and he would pointedly roll a blanket into the crack under his door to dampen sound. But, he’d left his door open and he was going to bed with more worry than normal. When the nightmares hit, Arthur was largely unprepared for it. Arthur was squirming in his bed, trying to kick into the mattress and grip at the sheets. He was making more noise than normal, whining and crying as he kept trying to escape it.