Maybe a Breakdown is Necessary so we can Re-Assemble our lives the way we want?
Exactly a year ago, May 2013, I was lying in a tiny twin bed, orange yoga mat by my side, wide awake in the middle of the night staring at the ceiling in a tiny dormitory room with 2 roommates that were fast asleep.
What the heck am I doing here?
This was my 8th night at the Ashram. I had no idea what time it was except that all students would wake up with Colin’s wake up bell.
Every day would start with the same schedule for 30 days straight. Oh and there was to be no caffeine, no alcohol and no meat of course.
06:00 am Meditation, chanting & lecture or Silent Walk
08:00 am Asana & Pranayama Class
12:00 pm Bhagavad Gita/Chanting Class
04:00 pm Asana & Pranayama (teaching)
*Taken directly from Teacher’s Training Course on: www.sivanandabahamas.org
When I lived in Karachi (Pakistan), I had dreamt of studying in some top-notch university (preferably at MIT or Harvard) and living in a dormitory with popular girls as roommates and have cute, high IQ boys sneak into our rooms.
Fate had a slightly different plan in mind.
My very first dormitory experience would be right here: At the Sivananda Institute in Bahamas, at 46, sharing this tiny room with twin beds and two roommates: an 18 year old girl from Boston and a 38 year old woman from South Africa.
What in God’s name was I doing here?
I ached for an adventure but I this didn’t feel fun and exciting.
Most (normal) people give their 2-week notice at their company after they have secured a mind-blowing opportunity at another that they start the following Monday and turn in their nicely articulated resignation letter (careful not to burn any bridges) with something to the effect of :
“…It was so nice working with you. I have learned so much from you. Keep in touch”
Translation: “Take a hike. I got something better baby. Ba-bye.”
No identified dreams I would actively pursue. (I suppose, to chase dreams, one must first dream.)
What compelled me to choose this ridiculous schedule in an Ashram sharing this tiny room with 2 strangers? Versus, say booking a flight to the Maldives and sipping some drinks with umbrellas instead?
You have to be crazy to choose to do shit like this.
The night before I had broken down yet again. It wasn’t so much the intense schedule but how some girls were treating me during my karma yoga. And I was more upset at myself giving my power away by having them see me cry.
But on this particular day, right there in the middle of the night at the Ashram, I silently cried. Careful not to wake anyone up and too tired to go to the bathroom (which was 5 blocks away), I was forced to face my own bare self.
Are “adventures” supposed to feel like this?
I have come to believe now that this (mild) breakdown was a gift.
Something underneath was brewing that was only to be revealed many months later…organically…and most importantly, in universe timing…not mine.
By the end of the program, I had a secret crush on a Swami Brahmananda (I know, I know he is vowed to be a celibate/no chance), got really lucky with my roomies, and aside from a few, I now share a bond with so many people from around the world that I would give the shirt off my back for.
Does mayhem breed creativity?
I most definitely think so.
Arianna Huffington’s quote to redefining success is spot on:
“The architecture of how we live our lives is badly in need of renovation and repair. What we really value is out of sync with how we live our lives. And the need is urgent for some new blueprints to reconcile the two.”
So, I am now picking and carefully choosing the size, shape and color of my own Lego pieces to (re)build whatever lights me up. (For now anyway.)
