I am sorry to bother you especially on anon I miss talking to you I am ready to talk whenever you are. It’s best we message here I disabled my discord account for my mental health
I apologize in advance to anyone confused by this response especially if you are not familiar with an individual who has gone by the names of:
saisandbostaffs, saisandkatanas, thecrimonsonninja, prehistoricterrapin, TheRedDeath, RaphsRedBandana, chronosmtolympus, cicerothejester, jadedmongoose, chesiresgrin
Fae… I'm unsure why you're sending this anonymously when we both know it's you. Unless you'd prefer me to not know which of your multiple accounts you are using- or even a possible new one. Honestly, I don't know how you keep track of it all, very confusing. But since you deem a public response necessary, as you wish.
Speaking of anon asks… This also proves you did not keep your word when vowing to never send anon asks again after an incident last year where you claimed someone was impersonating you.
Speaking of not keeping your word… You lied to me about promising not to spend your birthday venting. This wasn't an "accident" or a "mistake" or a "poor choice" of behavior- it was an intentional act of dishonesty. You did indeed expend energy negatively ranting and raving about a community member. You took your time attacking someone else and then when I did a wellness check on you, blatantly lied about it. Not only did you do it, but at the moment I asked the posts were still there.
No, going back and dirty deleting does NOT make it okay! Especially when someone else replied only to get in trouble until others had to explain that they were not starting drama- it was a reply to your messages that had been deleted.
Speaking of deleting messages… another thing in which you told me you would stop doing. Multiple times I explained to you how that is frustrating for others because they do not reply immediately on your time or to your liking. Others on the internet are not NPCs to jump at your command- we are real people who may have family, friends, jobs, pets and all sorts of other obligations that keep us offline for a bit.
Speaking of not telling the truth… do you truly think I do not know you had more than one Discord account? All that fuss with changing your primary Discord account from "chronosmtolympus" to "rest in * di$cord" to "Going on break" to "The Wanderer" to "bye" along with information that you are going back to your other account "cicerothejester"
No one has "run you out for fandom" - in fact many people have walked on eggshells to be a listening ear. Or as you stated, wanting counseling "for free lol" despite the fact that many others have gently suggested professional therapy as they felt at a loss to help you further. You have actively hurt people and when I got permission to share an instance, your reply was not surprise or regret at causing someone to have a panic attack or cry but to retort that other people are talking about you behind your back!
WHICH IS WHAT YOU DO ALL THE TIME!
Even worse is how you continued time and time again even though for TWO YEARS I have warned you, "venting" is about various things and not tearing down other members in the community in public spaces. Some servers you only posted in the venting channels to complain- often about other members. No community, regardless of how small or large it is, needs that discontent. Your pattern of behavior for at least two years than I can attest to has been constant, whether it has been in tcest areas or the TMNT fandom in general. (Granted, you have attested this has occurred in other fandoms too so clearly the common denominator is you and not the entire internet.)
Time and time again I patiently listened and was always honest with you on both personal and professional levels. It pained me to see how many others tried so hard to be your friend and even forgive you for attacking them to others, some of those messages you sent me proved they geniuninely did care and worried for you- yet you blamed them time and again for your own failings.
Rumors of your age varies… from 40s to 30s to 20s. But much of your behavior is that of a teenager. Either you are a child trying to play in adult spaces or you need a caregiver who can offer better boundaries and help managing your emotions. I implore you- since you state you have disabilities, reach out to the disability advocates office in whatever state you live in for help. You are obviously a very persistant person, so I believe in you being able to advocate for yourself to get services that will help improve your circumstances to have a meaningful life.
Until then, I will reiterate a few pieces of advice here so that you cannot claim no one ever told you or spelled things out simply for you.
6 hour rule: when upset, leave the issue alone for six hours and do something else. Either your emotions have run their course and you've avoided lashing out, saying things you regret OR you possibly have calmed down and can have a civil conversation.
LOG OFF! Not to be mistaken for the previous tip, but you may need to limit your time online. I'm not saying go out and touch grass, but play some immersive RPGs or something that will occupy a lot of your time and energy so you aren't waiting around for people to reply.
Ask yourself: how would I feel if someone said this about me? I know you can do this because every time I've pointed out that something you said wasn't nice, you realized you would feel bad if someone said to you the same thing you said about them.
No one on the internet owes you anything. Not free counseling, not friendship, not even a conversation. We are not NPCs to reward you for side quests, you are not the Main Character in everyone else's story. We have lives of our own and sometimes fandom spaces are an escape from real life where we need a break.
I have not blocked you, but I prefer to limit our interactions to TMNT only in public spaces. Honestly, I do not feel safe with you in private messages as you have caused a lot of pain without remorse. I am unable to help you further, thus your "free counseling lol" has come to an end with me. I believe that you will benefit more from real-person therapy with a licensed professional who can address your whole being offline as well as online.
Truly, I hope you do. There is no shame in counseling, I feel that everyone at some point can benefit from a neutral third-party about their life in general even when they are not in crisis. But you seem to be struggling and should absolutely utilize what is available to you outside of strangers on the internet.
