"Please don't walk away, Eric! Just talk to me..." Candice to Eric
Eric’s heart was racing. His head was pounding. He had all the urges to go ahead and get into another fight. His thoughts were replaying nonstop in a vicious, unforgiving cycle. You’re a failure. You’re a monster. The woman you love saw you become a monster. The angel that loves you saw you fail. You failed. Eric just wanted to hit something. Even though he knew it wasn’t the healthiest of outlets to release his frustration, he felt as if it was all he could do with his emotions.
He didn’t want to walk away from Candice. She probably wasn’t aware of it, but she was the only one who made him think he was actually above all of this. She helped him separate his thoughts from reality. But Eric was so embarrassed. He was so ashamed that she just saw him lose control - for the first time - and so viciously at that. He didn’t think he could look her in the eyes. He was so afraid to see disapproval or disgust. It would probably break him. That was why he was pacing at quite a rapid, almost panicked pace back and forth. Every time he got close to truly walking away he would think of her and stop. He didn’t want to walk away.
“I’m so sorry you had to see that.” Eric finally said, his voice low. His gaze was cast down at their feet. It was still too hard to possibly will himself to look up at her. He was so afraid that he’d see fear. He also didn’t want Candice to see the tears that were filling his eyes. They always came after he had an explosion. Eric didn’t need her to be present to feel the absolute shame and self hatred when he slipped up. He’d been hearing his father’s voice in his head, telling him he was destined to be a failure, and he hated that his actions justified his father’s words. Anyone with eyes could see he was dangerous. The fact that it was the love of his life witnessing it made it all the worse.
“I just…” He took a few steps forward, then stopped, frowning. “I can’t help myself. I know that’s not a great explanation. I know that’s actually terrifying and I’m so….” His voice finally broke. Eric shook his head, trying to will away the tears that were starting to fall from his eyes. Even if he was trying to avoid her gaze, he knew she could see him crying. Eric looked up at her, feeling broke. He just wanted her to understand where he was coming from. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to be better. I’m really trying, but I know I’m not doing that great…”
The words were like acid on his tongue. Eric always spoke about himself in a self deprecating way, but around his best friends it was absolutely normal. They were all flawed in their own ways and they all joked about their issues that it was normal. But Candice? She was actually the closest thing to perfect that Eric had ever known and admitting his faults to her terrified him. He didn’t want his girlfriend to realize how much she was settling by being with him. It had been a very real fear of his to lose her to this realization since the day he met her. Women like her didn’t just casually love men like him.
“I’m just so angry all the time.” Eric muttered, his voice incredibly low. It took all the strength within him not to break down in front of her again. He’d save that for when he was alone in his place later. “I know that’s a scary thing to hear. I understand if you want me to go….or if you want to break up.” His voice was starting to shake, so he waited for a moment so he could regain his strength. He sucked in a deep breath. “I just - I feel like you should know this about me. That I fight people when I’m angry. I can’t help it…I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. Nothing’s been able to really help…”
Eric swallowed hard. The lump in his throat just wouldn’t go away. He felt like he could die under her gaze; he could only imagine how much she was judging him. Every girl always had something to say about his temper. Some were turned on by it, but most of them were disgusted. He didn’t blame them. He was a monster. Candice should know that. Even if this was the most painful thing he had to do, letting her know who he was was ultimately the most important thing. “I’m a horrible person, Candice.” Eric told her, his voice soft. He was trying desperately to blink away the tears that were pooling in his eyes. “You should probably just leave me now…before I inevitably do something to hurt you…”
