#aspec advice

[aspec-advice]

Im really struggling to feel seen and understood right now. Im in a new relationship, one that ive dreamed of for months, and now my romantic and sexual aversion is hitting and im worried it'll break us up.

Its hard to come to terms with that no matter how much I love my partner as a person, I just am not (and perhaps wont ever be) attracted to him physically/romantically in the traditional sense. I feel shallow constantly quantifying him in these ways every moment we're together as some sort of way to justify how I feel.

Its not that I dont want him. Im just beginning to realise what I THOUGHT I wanted from him isnt whats sustainable for us. And I cant help but feel like its my fault.

Id love some relatable or wise words on this. Im feeling quite alone right now :((

hi!!

this sounds like a rough situation and im sorry that you're going through it :(

if you don't think the relationship is sustainable i do think it's probably best for everyone involved to stop it sooner rather than later, even though that's probably going to be really hard.

you can love and care about someone while simultaneously understanding that the situation is not good and will hurt more than it needs to in the long run if it isn't ended sooner. i also think that if you both love each other, you will want what's best for each other and if you need to take a step back i would hope that he would understand that.

it's not your fault that what you thought you wanted didn't end up being what you actually wanted. i think you should definitely talk to him about how you're feeling, there are versions of relationships that are different than traditional ones and if you both want to go down that route then that would be great! you could always be partnered and love and care about each other without it having to be romantic or sexual.

basically, this is a hard situation and i do obviously think there are ways to have a relationship without the romance or sex part but you also have to take into consideration what he wants as well and if he's okay with certain things or not.

you also definitely are not alone in feeling like this, i mean we have this whole page with people who have similar feelings and experiences. if you ever want to reach out to anyone im sure they would be down to talk!

i hope this helped!!

mars

[sleepyjuice-juice]

Only a few months ago, I was struggling to accept that I was aroacespec. Because years ago, I was actually able to feel some attraction, and I'd been a hopeless romantic all my life. Over time, the feelings disappeared, and I was mourning those feelings. I had just expected myself to end up in a relationship with someone eventually and suddenly I was forced to question those expectations. And that was painful, because romantic love was something I'd looked forward to my entire life.

What changed things for me was when I finally was able to meet other people like me. By coincidence, at a summer seminar, I sat down at a lunch table with people all on the aspectrum. And I had never met another person like me before, I had only heard of being aroace from the internet. The connections I formed there are ones I'll never, ever forget.

Confronting my orientation ended up putting so much into perspective. It made me realize that I let factors outside of my control take ownership of my happiness. I let my well-being be defined by a specific experience I couldn't find the capacity for. I realized how in my own desperation for a very specific experience and emotion, I ended up alienating myself. I devoted myself to a version of joy that wasn't compatible with me anymore, and needless to say, it didn't work out.

Not being able to fall in love doesn't bar me from living a full life. And I can finally say that with a confidence I previously wasn't sure I would ever develop. And not only that, but I'm so proud to have this experience. It was a hard lesson that yielded genuine self-love. I honestly don't know who I'd be without it, anymore. If romance was still an option for me, I might still be chasing it and letting it define my worth. I'm so happy my experience has, in my eyes, finally achieved more value to me than the alternative I so desperately sought after.

For anyone else out there experiencing those aspec blues, you truly are not alone, and for what it's worth, I think you can thrive with or without that experience. Forge your own path. There will be something else that makes you tick if you give yourself the chance to find it.

[aaravos-answers]

Hiii, so I'm in my first relationship ever and my boyfriend and I have only kisse twice. The only problem is both times I did not like it. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable even though I was the one who initiated it both times.

I'm perfectly aware I am asexual. I am also genuinely attracted to him romantically and enjoy any other types of physical contact, (hugging, cheek kisses, hand holding, etc.)

But how will I be able to hold future relationships if I don't like being kissed. Maybe it was just a bad first two times? Am I aro, or something else? Please help!

Starling, if you dislike it you need not do it. Asexuality is a spectrum. Some aces enjoy kissing, some are repulsed by it. Perhaps you are arospec, perhaps not; that does not necessarily have any bearing on your enjoyment of kissing.

I'd advise looking at this one thing alone, you need not reconsider your labels for it. Does it make you happy at this time? It matters not if it might make you happy in future, or what others think of it. Does kissing make you happy?

It sounds like it does not. If that is correct, it might be best to avoid it for now. If you later wish to try it again, you can, it's no loss.

Be kind to yourself, little one. You are young, you have time. There will be others like you, I promise. Even if you never enjoy kissing, there are others who feel the same, and still others who enjoy it but enjoy your company more.

You'll be all right, starling. I was.

[disasterdemi]

What would it mean if I like the idea of sex, and in my head it seems like a cool thing, but anything I've tried alone or with someone else was disappointing?

(CW: Sex mention - not explicit)

Without more information (namely whether or not you experience sexual attraction and/or arousal) it seems like there could be a few possibilities. Now, you sent this ask to an aspec blog so if I had to guess you are probably wondering if you are asexual. In that case, the most important thing to know here is that sexual attraction and sex/interest in sex are different things. Sexual attraction is the desire to do sexual things with that person. So some aces enjoy sex, or the idea of sex; they're just not attracted to anyone that way. Do you find yourself wanting to engage in sexual activities with particular people? If not, or not often, you could be acespec. Additionally, asexuality is a spectrum, in terms of attraction (e.g. greysexual) but also action/desire. People can be sex favourable, sex indifferent/neutral, and sex averse/repulsed. But sometimes they can feel differently about different scenarios, for example they enjoy sexual activities alone but are repulsed by sex with other people. Or they're favourable towards imagined scenarios, or sex in media, etc, but indifferent or averse if they themself are involved.

Note that these terms are very useful to aspecs but can also apply to anyone. Someone can be allosexual and sex averse. However, if you thought from my earlier question that you might be acespec, there are lots of microlabels you could find useful - one off the top of my head that you might want to look up is aegosexual. If, on the other hand, none of the above resonates with you (i.e. you think you're allosexual; you feel sexual attraction but the act itself is a bit lacklustre - including masturbation), it might be worth doing research (if you haven't already) into relevant erogenous zones - you/your partners could just be missing the mark a bit in terms of technique? Alternatively you may have a low libido? I’m probably less qualified to give you advice on this part than the aspec stuff. Like I said, there's a lot I don't know about your situation so this may or may not help - I'd suggest doing some more research into what I've talked about if you need to. But also let me know if you want me to expand on anything I've said and I'll do my best 😊

[officialaspec]

I've always thought "queerplatonic partner" was just a fancy way of saying "friend" but apparently not, what does it mean actually?

Queerplatonic relationships are hard to describe, especially for people who don't feel that attraction. I reblogged a post from the amazing @raavenb2619 that explains it, and below are some screenshots that help expand on the definition.

Every queerplatonic person can and will most likely define their relationship slightly differently, and that's the beauty of it! QPRs are vague and flexible, and it's up to the participants to hash out their boundaries early on.

I hope some of this helps, and if you have any further questions, please just ask! You can also message me privately and I can send some posts that might clear things up.

[aspec-advice]

Question: is there an aromantic equivalent to grayasecuality? I’ve been googling terms and labels and I can’t find an equivalent, but if there is one I think that’s me

Hi anon!

Yes, there absolutely is an equivalent: it’s called greyromanticism (I’m assuming you meant to type graysexuality).

It can mean someone only experiences romantic attraction very rarely, or it can be a more umbrella term for people who relate to aromanticism but don’t feel it quite captures their experience entirely.

I’m probably grayromantic myself, though i usually just say arospec. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable <3

-mod ren

[aspec-advice]

fellow aspec friends, I have a question for y'all and anyone else reading this. Do you ever immerse yourself in fictional relationships when it comes to sexual stuff only because imagining going further with your partner makes you feel dirty and/or gross? I am somewhere on the ace spectrum (I just say aceflux) because it really depends, but especially lately my partner has been trying to go further and I've been having bad thoughts regarding us doing stuff together. But we talk about fictional characters/original characters having relations very, very often, and it doesn't make me feel as scared/dirty with myself about it. I just wondered if anyone else related and/or understood where I was coming from

HI OMG YES so ive had sex one (1) time and i was not as into it as the other person was which i thought was weird bc like fictional shit is fine for me but in real life it was absolutely not SO i totally get what you're saying. like the thought of actually doing sexual shit is really gross to me as well idk why or how but it just weirds me out but with fiction it's so fine idek. i absolutely understand where you're coming from woooo!!

mars

[aspec-advice]

Hi I am the person who asked ages ago about advice. I was the one who mentioned man in name. Thank you. That was a great step for me because while I am sticking with asexual and still on aro spectrum, I was definitely not cisgender. When you mentioned a gender way back then I clung to it as a way for me to make no changes but then I started getting called she occasionally and it felt really good. I now use she/her as my primary labels when I get a choice and thank you. Y'all got the ball rolling for me to accept myself so thank you all so much.

hi!!!!! im so so glad that the advice helped!!! im so happy that you're living your best and most true life now!! gender has always been an aspect in my relationship with sex and romance and so im glad that my advice was able to help you!!!!!!

have such an amazing time and enjoy all of the joy that comes with being happy in your identity!

mars