It hurts a lot more than I thought.
You see...I can’t tell myself I hate him when I terribly miss the living hell out of him. He’s my ex and I know I’m treating him in a way like Malcolm but...he hurts me.
He cheated on me with one of his online friend and stops talking to her but when he and I break up...he goes back to her (saying she has a boyfriend and how she’s ‘faithful’ and won’t do anything). I call bullshit cause what she did to me...
What I did to him was bad, yes but he...he said fuck it and cheated. They were in the wrong and I was in the wrong too but I didn’t act upon anything. I stayed faithful to this guy. I wanted to prove to myself that I can be faithful and not cheat and do what cheaters do. I wanted to change myself for the better and not be who I was before.
It hurts a lot and it’s like a stab in the chest. It’s like, “I’m befriending the woman I cheated on you with again because I missed her and missed speaking to her,”
I was an idiot for staying with him. I should of ended it. I...I feel like an idiot. I feel like a hardcore idiot for staying. Why? Why did I stay? Why did I put myself through so much and hurt myself more?
I should of slapped myself across the face and tell myself that I’m better than that. Even when I stayed, he kept on watching her porn. GAHHHH! I want to scream! I want to cry! I want to punch him! I want to attack him and make him hurt as much as I did.
But...
He doesn’t have any remorse for what he done to me. It’s anxiety, right? The reason why he said hurtful and mean things, and the reason why he cheated and stomp on my heart was because of his anxiety. He didn’t mean it, right? But...it still hurts.
My chest hurts and I feel myself fading. But I’m going to keep my head up and think positive. I have a family that loves me, friends who think I’m perfect the way I am, people who accept me for me. I want to embrace those who kept by my side.
I wish I could just...vanish from his thoughts. I wish he could just not appear around my mind ever again.
Love hurts. Love stabs the ones who gives everything to that one person.
I’ve been a target ever since I started dating when I was 15.
Positive thinking, positive thinking.
I’m done. I’m done crying over this guy who swore he’d never go back to the woman he cheated on me with. I’m done getting hurt.
I want to be happy, I want to smile and cuddle someone who I will love and cherish. I have to work on a lot of stuff.
Fuck my fucking life.