"Oh yeah it's true, I totally made a philosopher's stone, yeah! It came outta me, thought I'd coughed up a damn organ or like, y'know in Silent Hill when she throws up the-"
"-hill three..."
"Right in Silent Hill 3 when uh, what's her name, Hayley?"
"Heather."
"Right yeah Heather she coughs up a lil red ball or somethin... it's god? I remember that right?"
"Yeah, it was God."
"Right, wild game. But it was like that except it was shiny and hard. And I thought 'boy am i coughin up marbles? am I an oyster here?' but - and get this - I picked it up and it was juicy..."
"The fuck you mean 'Juicy'?"
"Hah, now I got your attention. Yeah like it was rock-solid but it was still pumpin out juice. Smelled real good, too."
"Okay... so when'd you figure it out?"
"That it smelled good?"
"No, that it was the fuck-- THE fucking Philosopher's Stone?"
"Minute one, my brother. You cough up a juicy marble smellin THAT good, you're goin in for a slurp NQA. No Questions Asked."
"...And you knew instantly? You'd slurped the Juicy Marble of Eternal Life??"
"Hell yeah I knew. Couple sips and I knew then and there I-"
"Couple? You went back for a second lick of this thing you'd coughed up MOMENTS prior?"
"-Couple sips and I knew then and there I was on my LFS. Livin Forever Shit"
"Look, that's great and all, but why the hell are you calling us?"
"That's what I been tryna say! I wanna cancel. Don't need your shit anymore, health insurance, pet insurance..."
"You gave some to your dog?"
"You wouldn't let your dog live forever?? Last livin guy on earth, you think I'm doin that alone? You seen I Am Legend?"
"Wait, you don't plan on sharing it with anyone else? Anyone?"
"Yeah yeah, I know what you're askin. NCD, man. No-"
"-Can Do, right. But jus-- like y-- NOBODY else gets the Gift of Eternal Life??"
"Nahh man, that thing came outta me, I dunno if it's some important shit that makes my insides work, I stuffed it back in there post-haste. Two slurps for me, two licks for Francis, back down the hatch. Y'know how Jackie Kennedy was grabbin at those brains, maybe she was cookin..."
"Well shit. Let's say I believe a single word of this, that's... I mean, it's unbelievably selfish, right? You have this- ghh wait, you swallowed it after the dog licked it?"
"Look. Will you cancel my stuff or not?"
"Yeah. Okay, whatever. It's cancelled. Good luck with your whole living forever thing."
-- CALL RECORDED FOR TRAINING PURPOSES. AGENT RECEIVED DISCIPLINARY ACTION FOR CANCELLING ACTIVE CONTRACTS WITHOUT FIRST TRANSFERRING THE CUSTOMER TO OUR RETENTIONS TEAM --
