Jun 9, 2023
Astrobug isn't immune to the coolness btw
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Astrobug isn't immune to the coolness btw
Oops... I was supposed to upload this on Sunday but I forgot.... WELP Here is this week's cover. We decided to do A Fine Frenzy's Almost Lover
So, this is going to be a long one..
I apologize in advance for spamming up your dash with this long ass post, but I really just wanted to get this out there, mainly for me, but I guess it can be for anyone else too.
Wednesday I will be 6 months clean from self harm.
I would say happily, but it has definitely not been a happy 6 months without self harm. To be honest, it's been miserable. I have yet to find a way to express how i'm feeling healthily and that's scary. I have tried to find different ways to help release any unhealthy emotions, but most have been unsuccessful.
It's hard to go from one thing that you're so used to to something totally different and it's definitely been hard. I have had days where there was nothing more than I wanted to do but harm myself and it breaks my heart because I know that I am more than that. I am bigger than my biggest weakness. My weaknesses don't define me, yet I let them.
Every single day is a struggle, and I try really really hard to make every day count and to try and be happy with myself and my life, but it's hard to believe in yourself after not doing so for so long. It's hard to look yourself in the mirror and say, "I am worth it", "I am beautiful", "I am supposed to be here" and "I can make it through another day." It's really really hard, and to be honest, most mornings I can't do it. I hide behind a layer of makeup and false confidence because I don't want people to see what's really going on, which is sheer panic. Panic about not being good enough, pretty enough, talented enough, and most of all, panic that someone will notice I'm not alright.
These last 6 months have been absolute hell. I have wanted to end my life, and have tried on 2 separate occassions, and if it wasn't for George picking me up in the midst of my emotional break down, and he and Danielle talking me off a ledge, I am almost positive I wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for George and Danielle taking my razors and disposing of them, I wouldn't be 6 months clean, and I probably wouldn't still be here. If it wasn't for George and Danielle's unconditional love and support, I probably wouldn't still be here. Friend's like George and Danielle don't come around often, and I am so glad that I ran into the both of them in Bigelow Hall my freshman year of College.
My 6 months clean are not just because of me, it's because of the people that I have surrounded myself with; people who accept me for who I am and what I have been through. People who don't judge me for being carved up like a bench in a public park. People who will not treat me differently because of what I've been through. These people, these beautiful people are the reason that I have come this far.
So thank you Rachel for standing next to me all of these years even when you didn't quite understand what I was going through, but you continued to treat me the same and continued to have me be a part of your life and your choices.
Thank you to Rose for accpeting me as your roommate and standing next to me through everything from getting stuck in my blankets in my loft, to fights with my now ex boyfriend, to the eventualy break up of he and I. Thank you for believing in me and pushing me to fight for what and who I want. Thank you for being one of my best friends here at Western. Thank you for the incredible 2 years as well as the rest that are soon to come.
Thank you to Trisha and Lindsey for bringing this beautiful amount of joy into my life and helping me see the brighter side of life, even when all I see are dark and rainy clouds.
Thank you to George for picking me up in the midst of my emotional break down and listening, holding my hand, and giving me the emotional support that I needed while I got my feet back on the ground. Without you, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I would have ended my life on that bathroom floor and I would never be able to look back at how far I have come without you letting me ride passenger in your mustang for a while.
And most importantly, Thank you to Danielle. It's actually making me tear up a bit down here in the student success center when I think about how thankful I am for her. Danielle is one of the greatest friends that I have ever had and words can never describe how thankful I am for her. She has helped me so much over these past 6 months it's truely unreal. Danielle has held my hand as I cried, and sat me down when she knew something was wrong and that I needed help. She's helped me not feel so ashamed to be broken and has helped me see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. If I didn't have Danielle in my life I am positve that I would have taken my life by now. If I didn't have her supporting and loving me unconditionally I would have taken my life by now. She has been there with me through so much, and has yet to judge me or not accept me as a human being. She has stood up for me when I couldn't stand up for myself and has made me feel more comfortable and beautiful in my own skin than I ever could have myself. Danielle helps remind me that I have worth and that I am meant to be here on this planet even when all I want to do is give up. So thank you Danielle.. For everything.
So now as I sit here in my pajamas in the Student Success Center of my dormatory in tears I can see just how thankful I am to be alive. These past 6 months have not been easy, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. They have helped me learn and grow as a human being and I know I can only go up from here.
I have overcome the struggles of self harm, and although I give a lot of the credit to the people that I surround myself with, I do also give myself a little bit of credit to. I thank myself for reaching out for help and asking my friends for the support that I needed and continue to need. I thank myself for wanting to change my destructive ways and wanting to be happy .
At 6 months clean, I wish I could say that I was happy, but I know that I can't yet, I'm not quite there just yet. I still have a long way to go, and I know that 6 months isn't all that long, but recovery is a work in progress. I know that someday I will be the person that I want to be and am happy to be.
But until then, I am a work in progress and I am proud of the progress that I have made thus far.
<3
goodmorning!! #AstroBug's Naboo Starfighter movie...#origami #StarWars #NabooStarfighter
astrobug replied to your post: “I went to Taco Bell today and I couldn’t think of the word ‘churro’ so...”:
i'm snoRTING omg
THE PERSON AT THE REGISTER DID THE SAME THING
astrobug replied to your post: “ten points to whoever can guess what my mom just got me”:
pizza
nooope
but it is red!