Truth About All Astrological "Sun Signs"
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Disclaimer: This is satire. If you feel personally attacked.. congratulations, your placement was accurately fictionalized.
Aries Sun
You don't have anger issues.
You have anger subscriptions.
Every inconvenience becomes your origin story. Someone takes three seconds to text back and suddenly you're mentally preparing for the Olympics of confrontation.
Your life motto: "I'll apologize later."
Taurus Sun
You call yourself "low maintenance."
Your skincare routine costs more than a used car.
You say you're stubborn because it sounds cuter than "I would rather perish than admit I was wrong."
If comfort were an Olympic sport, you'd refuse to attend because your blanket is warm.
Gemini Sun
Every conversation with you is a software update.
Version 1: "I hate them."
Version 2: "They're actually misunderstood."
Version 3: "I'm dating them."
Nobody knows which patch notes they're getting today.
Cancer Sun
You've written seventeen breakup speeches in your Notes app for relationships that haven't even started.
Someone says "k."
You're planning your funeral.
You collect emotional damage like Pokémon cards.
Leo Sun
You don't need attention.
You need witnesses.
If nobody compliments your outfit, you'll accidentally bring it up yourself.
"Oh this? I literally threw it on."
You spent two hours choosing it.
Virgo Sun
You don't relax.
You optimize relaxation.
Your vacation has spreadsheets.
You corrected someone's grammar while having a panic attack.
Efficiency isn't a personality.
Please blink.
Libra Sun
You can spend four hours deciding where to eat.
Then hate the restaurant you chose.
You flirt with people you don't even like because awkward silence is your greatest enemy.
You're not indecisive.
You're professionally conflicted.
Scorpio Sun
You think you're mysterious.
You're actually just refusing to communicate.
You read "Seen 8:42 PM" like it's CIA intelligence.
Nobody is plotting against you.
They're just asleep.
Sagittarius Sun
Your commitment issues have commitment issues.
Every plan with you starts with:
"So technically..."
And ends in another country.
You treat consequences like optional DLC.
Capricorn Sun
You scheduled your emotional breakdown for next Thursday between meetings.
Your therapist asks how you feel.
You answer with quarterly performance metrics.
Success isn't a replacement for therapy.
Aquarius Sun
You call everyone else sheep.
Meanwhile you're wearing the exact same ironic outfit as seven other Aquarians.
You don't ghost people.
You conduct social experiments.
Congratulations on discovering basic human interaction and deciding it's beneath you.
Pisces Sun
Reality called.
You declined because you were busy imagining conversations that will never happen.
You cry over fictional characters harder than your own problems.
Your intuition isn't always intuition.
Sometimes it's anxiety wearing glitter.
Drop Your Sun placements Below!!!