#ata.bitchin

[bexotto]

This is gonna sound SO bitchy and whiny, but I'm such a spoiled dick😭😭

I kinda dislike when people js say "peak" or "nice" to stuff, which is hypocritical because I do it too, but still.

AND ITS NOT ME BASHING ON MY COMMENTS i love everyone who comments shit under my fics, it's just that it's kinda a bit disappointing when no one really talks ABOUT the plot, and just give a compliment. AND I DO LIKE COMPLIMENTS, IM THE BIGGEST ASS KISSER TO EVER EXIST idk ig I'm js kinda picky and spoiled LOL

I'm ps it comes from my parents just nodding along and not listening to ANYTHING I say actually, and now it internalized in me viewing any simple compliment as a way to subtly tell me to fuck off or smth LOL I love having high cognite self awareness and still continuing to emotionally tweak

ANYWAY I js like having convos about stuff ok esp about 2 weeks🤤🤤

[bexotto]

I miss my loverboy so much but I can't pester him too much because he might get annoyed ithinkk,,,,, Never actually fall in love, I genuinely always want to spend time with that guy

[bexotto]

I really hate including myself into mental health discuss, because I'm kinda the worst type of mentally strange ever. LOL. I didn't have any major trauma, I'm not ill, I don't have a reason to be this way, and I'm not struggling. I'm self-serving and prone to lying and devalue and high attention seeking, and my spiraling leads to either self isolation or active cutting ties, I often experience homicidal thoughts and genuinely can't feel empathy.

But it's not really about people disliking me (even if i do get pissed off, I don't care unless it's someone whose opinion i genuinely value). Ig I don't want my friends to hear me talking about it. I don't know how, but somehow, all of my friends are actually highly empathetic (opposites attract LOL), and will definitely try to accommodate or try to make me feel better about it. Which should NOT happen😭😭 If I ever get to be enabled in this, I'll spiral on a power trip again. I don't deserve it, and I don't NEED to be accepted or sympathized with, as much as I love them. Do I want to be the only person who matters alive and get everything exactly how I need it? Yea, obviously. But it just doesn't work this way. My friends deserve to also have fun and talk to me about their shit, even if i (admittedly) can't care about it. In a way, ig I'm also slightly scared they'd think they can't talk to me or vent to me, just because I can't care about people getting upset. And like, they'd be right. But I don't want this. I want my people to not be afraid to talk to me, to show their emotions to me, to even call me out (even if I'd be pissed whole time)

Idk it's strange i have complicated relationship with human relationships

[bexotto]

ohmygod I fucking HATE living with people who don't understand basic sanitary shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why do these people not use soap. WHY these people shower like once a week and a half. WHY DOES NO WASH THEIR HANDS they pick their nose and touch my shit with it, they don't wash their hands and touch my FOOD, they touch ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I suppose you could call me paranoid and lowkirkenuonely squeamish pussy, but consider. Imagine getting your RARW COLLECTIBLES, YOUR JUST WASHED HAIR, AND YOUR FOOD being touched by something that's covered in bacteria and other gross shit. AND ITS SO STUPID because my mom is OBSESSED with cleaning the house, but doesn't gaf about herself, and my brother CONSTANTLY sprays sanitizer on himself, but will proudly shove a dirty fucking face napkin at me and shit

Omopmopmopmi GET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!! i genuinely hate being dirty and unsanitary put me down

[bexotto]

im so fucking tired of my family

how am i grown ass 16 year old who has to sleep with his MOM js because she never went out from post-partum and cant lock in wiuth my dad. i feel gross why cant anyone understand how gross i feel. im 16 and my mom still MAKES me sleep in her bed to the point of arguing and shoving me and hitting when i say i dont want to

and its not a house problem or anything. WE HAVE 5 ROOMS. she consciously makes me do it bc of her mental shit. it messes up my sleep schedule (shell flip her shit if shell get woken up before 10, and i need an alarm to wake up at 7 am like i want to so i end up oversleeping until 12 and goinf to sleep at like 2 am), i feel weird because of it

why doesnt anyone in this family get that im 16. why do they make me do it. i cant open a fuckinf window in this household, i cant go OUTSIDE, i dont get to even go sit at the balcony

[bexotto]

I think there's something a bit wrong with me, but in like a chill way.

I act so pathetic, that people often immediately assume that I'm depressed and have low self-esteem. I adore myself. I'm suicidal, not because I hate myself, but because I don't believe world holds up to my standards, because I find current universe unappealing for myself.

I see myself as great, much greater than other people, and cognitively, it's kinda bad. I should view myself as equal, rather than so much superior to people. It's also just, to be quite honest, not something you should admit as easily to your friends. I need admiration and praise more than anything (and I feel like others pick up on that. I'm not sure how to feel about it). I get pissed if i don't get the treatment I always feel like I deserve, I need attention and tend to view myself as more "deserving" of it, I NEED to know what others think of me and for people to THINK of me in general, I keep and keep on fishing for praise and glaze despite logically knowing it's kinda fucked, I'm always envious and arrogant (and I feel like I always think of others condescendingly, which, well, isn't good LOL), I lacked empathy since early childhood and ive just started to slowly unlearn manipulation and exploiting of others, and I get such fucking terrible mood swings if I don't get treated as a second coming of Christ. It's just all bad LOL. Both to myself and people around me, because this makes me hypersensitive to criticism, to confrontation, to being a failure in any way. I fantasize about being beautiful and intelligent and great, and then get sent SPIRALING when j enter my Body Awareness mood

I kinda feel like growing up homeschooled, rich, and constantly adored and spoiled by my parents did it. Waitress, my steak is too juicy and buttery !! LOL but yeah, I was never met with anything similar to normal growing up experience, which probably lead me to this. But then, I felt this was as long as i can remember. I VIVIDLY recall thinking of myself as a God of sorts and believing that I'm the only real person as a child and a tween and probably till my mid teens. i did a lot of bad stuff as kids, due to superiority shit and stuff. Like BAD bad I feel kinda bad for people who were in contact with kid me

AND EVEN THIS POST IS FISHING LOL I chose to post on tumblr as a digital diary rather than a NORMAL DIARY because ig i wanted a reaction. Knowing people read and pity or something. I genuinely don't care about myself being bad or toxic in a way. But this whole self awareness thing gives me a power trip over people who don't admit they do these stuff, and makes me seem smart and in charge or smth

First and last complete truth post

[bexotto]

Eid tomorrow YAY!!!!!!!!

had a lot of interaction with my family, which is both kinda good and bad😭😭 My social battery is like dead but yk I'll probably spend most of time on my phone anyway LOL imso Maya on new years wtf

Also my mom feels mildly unwell which is lowkirkenuinely concerning but we bouncing. I really don't wanna go out AGAIN on weekend, bc i spent this week constantly interacting with my family and I'm drained, but obviously my brother is a bumass freak who won't grow a pair and go out with my mother so she won't be alone, so oh well

anyway YAYAYAYYA EID!!!!!!! BESTDAY IN MARCH

[bexotto]

ikinda wish i could have empathy sometimes. i wish i could understand people in my life, outside of some dry logical understanding on why they feel so. i wish i was better at saying right stuff to people and make them feel actually positive emotions. *remembers that empathy isnt an equivalent to being better at it*. i mean im so fucking great