it's alive! it's alive!
hi guys
a year ago i thought i would post on this shit regularly
a year ago i thought i'd drop my last three projects, delete my socials, change my name and disappear
a year ago i thought i was cookedski
but situations change and people do too
it's really funny how priorities shift in the face of adversity. funny how life kicks your teeth in and all that bullshit. shit life could be worse but it could be better. only problem is lately i dont really know whats going on
i'm resuming my current playthrough of kingdom hearts the other morning when i come across this cutscene (spoilers)
nowadays i never cry but for some reason i just start bawling my fucking eyes out. i finish the boss fight, pause the game, take out my trash, wash some dishes, clean my room, take a piss, come back to my room, crying the whole fucking time. mind you it's something like 9:30am on a sunday and i woke up a good twenty minutes before the Incident In Question
"if they think about me now and then? if they don't forget me? then our hearts will be one"
this feeling of deep, deep gratitude and love overwhelms me. i look around, i look within, and remember that i owe every breath i take and every step i take to the countless people with different faces from different places who have supported me, whether it was for 10 seconds or for 10 years.
even if we don't talk anymore, even if we'll never speak again, even if it ended on bad terms, the fact that i can think about them and smile means that they are a part of my heart, of who i am, forever and always, for better and for worse. and when i think beyond the daily facade i buy into, the mortal ego i delude myself into believing i truly am at my core, the first name/last name/ssn, there is nothing left but gratitude and love for the people who i was lucky enough to share a life with, if only for the briefest of moments
all that and yet a couple hours later im depressed, anxious, stressed and confused again, and maybe the fact that thats just how it goes is what made that morning and feeling so beautiful
lately, for the first time in forever, im just a fuckin crybaby and anything can set me off, but im also hardheaded, but im also the funny guy, but im also the shut-in who avoids housemates and conversation at all costs, but im also sociable and pretty kind, but im also that random nigga on the internet from a few years ago, but im also my girlfriends boyfriend and my mamas son but im also myself but im also
writing this i thought there'd be an actual moral to that story but shiii
could be recency bias, but rn my unreleased is the most unique shit i've ever made and im planning on dropping some before i start resenting it
i want to get back to working on the vincent saga full time after my next project because i rly miss him and miss that workflow
whenever i get around to that, i'm going to remaster otherwrld and give it the pre-and-post release fanfare it deserves because man, that shit deserved better from me in a lot of ways i wasnt capable of fulfilling at the time
(no i havent forgotten to release my short film im just being me about it)
truth be told, i've never felt so surrounded by genuine friends and supporters and yet so alone; it's usually one or the other, not both at 100% at the same time. i also have a sinking feeling that it's gonna get a lot worse before it truly gets better. let's just hope i don't rap about it cuz usually, lyrics like that are more premonitions than poetry. self-fulfilling prophecies maybe?
but shit, fuck all that, nigga i got a degree to get and songs to drop so we gon deal with that when it's time to; god motherfuckin knows im alr behind schedule
signing off, ttyl cash crew