ah. using this to vent again i suppose. i don’t know. am sorry.
awhile back i posted about being in a loving and healthy relationship with somebody who loves me wholeheartedly. i guess that was a lie. i feel as if he was in love with the idea of me.
the relationship wasn’t as healthy as i thought. it was the just the most effort anybody put into me and it was all just minimum apparently. but i really did appreciate it. i felt so special. just realize he was also making others feel loved and special.
i’m not bitter. i’m not hateful. i’m not even angry at him. i want what’s best for him.
i’m taking the anger and hurt out on myself. how could i be so stupid and blind. how could i let myself love again? did i not learn the last few times. nobodys every been serious about me. there’s always been someone else. or something else.
i know it’s not my fault. that it isn’t a me problem. the problem is: if he wanted me back, i don’t know what if i would say no. i know i don’t deserve that. i didn’t deserve anything that he did to me. that false sense of security. the first time in awhile i felt like i was safe to be with somebody despite my apprehension just in case i got hurt again. then i let him in.
and i feel incredibly stupid for that. why do i let people in so easily. i tried so hard this time. and i really wanted this one to work out.
i just wasn’t for him. more like, he wasn’t for me. but it still stings.
it’s been since march that we broke up. yet. i still find myself thinking of him. just the memories though.
i don’t understand how somebody can treat me so highly and lovingly. just to not be the only one.
i’m scared that will affect me in the future in the long run. i really don’t want to trust anyone again. and i can feel myself slowly detaching again. but i can’t do that to myself again. not after i worked so hard on myself.
