AH - Day 30
I am just going to start writing and let the words come out. Thank you, God, for giving me opportunities today to choose differently. Had such a great therapy session where I learned about how my perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking greatly contribute to the dramatic swing of HIGHs and LOWs in my life. I learned that there are times when I do well and I am extremely motivated, disciplined, energetic, optimistic, and making better decisions in alignment with what God wants for me. When I am in my low, it usually starts with some sort of trigger. This trigger can come from me making an unwise decision like numbing myself out with weed, believing that I will fail, and thinking that the challenge I am facing is one I cannot perfect or overcome.
As I write this, I question and ponder the thought so…. How do I change? How do work through these moments of greatness and what seems like inevitable failure?
I am pushing myself. I am relearning what it means to push through and to do something even when it's hard or even when I can’t do it perfectly.
It has recently become apparent that I am addicted to my phone. It has been my safety net, and the fact that I found it so hard to let go and do something else is a wake-up call. I want to respond to this by not having my phone before bed and charging it on the other side of the room.
I am such an ambitious person. I want to read, write, go to the gym, and be able to say I can eat clean. Wow, I didn’t even mention in that sequence that I want PEACE and God’s (plan for me, I guess) plan
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Another realization that I had during therapy is that God challenges me and allows me to tap into His strength. There will be times when I am feeling OVERBURDEN, Out of Breath, Defeated, or Not Good Enough. There would be a thought that comes through. This thought would SOUND CRAZY. It would be like.. “Matt just let go and give it to me”. With my current programming that thought just sounds so wild!! Why would I just let go when I feel like doing so would mean my whole world would crumble?
The truth is… it might. However, it would reveal to me that the stuff I am trying to hold up and burden myself with doesn’t matter. They are a burden I am not meant to carry.
Okay, that was good enough for now. Good job Matt. I know you were tired but glad you were able to write some stuff out.