#ava's random thoughts

[avaischaotic]

I just finished editing a set of OG content. It'll blow your minds lowk

Like don't over hype it, but it's like the next step of something I tried years ago. It's very fun and also very weird.

A little funny too.

[avaischaotic]

Very little is said about the beauty of a yellow Ferrari

[avaischaotic]

I think I drank too much coffee. I feel weird 😅

[avaischaotic]

Sometimes I feel it coooould be a little interesting if I make my likes here public, but it looks basically the exact same as my feed.

Sooo chaotic!!

— been thinking about a name swap... But I'm not sure 🤔

[avaischaotic]

Goes to swim with friends*

Also me:

Forgets bikini

[avaischaotic]

I was searching for an old photo and completely unrelated, ran into some oldish nudes that I took, and I was like... "Damn, I look really fucking good 😅😄😄"

Sorry to... I guess tease you with photos that I will never post, but I felt like sharing in my excitement I guess??

[avaischaotic]

We spoke about how we wanted to kiss...

And yet, we didn't, and I think it was the right call. 🤔

I feel she's still coming along to the idea, and yet we were sooooo intimate last night and this morning... we were hugging and touching... The looks we shared!!! 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫!!! And a especially beautiful prolonged stare we shared... My god... The cheesyness of what we were saying... What the fuck.

For example, this morning, as she's laying her head on my legs:

Me: "don't leave, stay over the weekend, stay however long you want..."

—Her: "really? What time should I go then?"

Me: "hmm how about till never—thirty ?"

And then we laugh like dorks, like that quip wasn't the dorkiest shit I could've said 😭😭🤣... FUUUUUCK she's amazing 😭😭😭😭😭

It was truly wonderful.

We are building a bond, were we can both be seen, truly seen. And I want to see her, I want to wait for her. I understand... I understand so well where she is right now, that's why I'm so willing to be patient. Especially when progress is happening still!!!

I don't know how much I care that we didn't kiss, I got soooo much back from her, I progressed soooo further along... I'm close I'm so close. I fucking need this.

- - -

Make no mistake though, I AM still frustrated that I wish I had kissed her, I had everything lined up, it's like those moments where the opportunity is clear and yet it didn't feel obvious like it has felt in other times of my life.

Like... We were looking at the tree line while on my roof hugging... Like it couldn't be more obvious... And yet... Hmmm... Well, I mean she admitted today morning to have wanted it but still...

I know in my heart I did right by not heading there yet. She was far drunker and higher than me, not nearly enough to forget about stuff, but definitely in a different state to mine.

I know she is finding the desire and the interest...

I feel she's starting to understand how unafraid I truly am at her chaos (this is beyond valuable), I feel she's coming along even to admit it with herself...

If we had kissed I feel she would've panicked instead by today's morning, I feel she would've felt like she got carried away, and the way I reassured her about just how much I also wanted to kiss her, but also how well I understood the importance of not having done so yet...

She's... Special, I want to do this right.

And I told her that.

She asked me what it is that I want us to build.

I was afraid to answer that before because I felt she'd panic, but the answer jumped out of me before that thought could even arrive, I told her with full confidence: "girlfriends, proper partners".

I then of course clarified I feel that's something that is built towards, which is why that's obviously not what I am asking for... But it is where I would like to take us.

—I also briefly considered in my mind to add a little extra clause, such as: "but hey if you want to be friends with benefits...!!", but no. Right now, I doubt I could agree to that, with how in-love I am, I think it might kill me 🤔... Simultaneously however, I do see the strong possibility of that stepping things up between us??? Idk, it's not a situation right now.

I do actually think that my confident reply, and indirect encouragement of my interest in her for who she is, and not simply as a sexual experience mattered a lot for her to find the affinity in our goals.

Her last girlfriend seemed to follow in the other path, aiming at the opportunity to have some Lesbian sex and leave, and in addition to the stuff she's already dealing with, I feel she's more guarded this next time around.

But I trust who I am, how I can deactivate that, given time.

I cannot wait for the next time I see her. No activity in my schedule makes my heart race this fast.

[avaischaotic]

My head hurts so bad :(