cant tell if i'm cooking or if this is just very yummy to me personally
self destructive sam in early s5. anguished and sad and guilty beyond reason, bitter and tired and also pent up as fuuuuuuuck but also more than ever sees his desire as something monstrous. he's not saying yes, he's not, but it's getting to him, having someone in his space, even when it's not real, who looks at him with so much adoration and who wants him. and he's already doomed, he's already a monster, he's already a bad person, what's one more sin to add to the pile?
this is how you can have me, he tells lucifer, and spreads his legs for him and tells him to fuck him hard because he deserves it, he deserves to be hurt and if the devil's gonna be inside of him he might as well enjoy it. lucifer doesn't get it, and he doesn't want to hurt sam, but sam's asking for it and he wants to give his vessel anything he could ask for, so he bends him over and fucks him into the mattress in his dream and sam hopes he wakes up sore and covered in bruises so even his body won't let him forget that there's something deeply, deeply wrong with him that he can never escape.
just like fucking ruby was self harm, so is this. nothing makes him feel better and worse than dreaming of lucifer fucking him until he cries. he's a bad person, he deserves it.
