#awkward vacation

[idekwtf-is-happening]

That awkward moment when your going on vacation to the beach tomorrow but your period starts… and this is the third year in a row that it's happened.

[notlost-justwandering0829]

Expectations pt. 2

Day 2: Spent traveling to Fuji, where we planned to spend most of trip. This area is super outdoorsy with lots to do, my only concern is the weather because it's the rainy season and today it's decided to pour. But we make it to Fuji! Get to our second place and explore around a bit.

[everyawkwardthing]

After reporting on a raccoon attack, the radio show I listen to did a call in topic on being attacked by animals.  Here’s my story:

The summer after 8th grade, my family took a vacation to Africa.  It was a wildlife safari, and most of the places we stayed were campgrounds where some wild animals would come right up to you.

One particular campground was full of tiny monkeys, called Vervet monkeys.  The monkeys would form packs and follow you through the campground, but according to our guide they would never attack.  “Unless you have food.  NEVER EVER carry food with you through the campground.”

“Sure, sure,” thirteen year old me thought.  “I’m not idiot.”

But I was wrong.  I am a total idiot.

One day I took a root beer flavored lollipop out of my bag and started to eat it.  It was one of those large, gourmet lollipops.  Possibly a Linda’s Lollie.  I had been saving it since arriving in Africa, and now I was finally going to eat it.

If you’ve ever had one of these lollipops, you know it takes a long time to consume.  I was supposed to meet my parents in the main tent, so I took my lollipop outside.  The main tent was only a few minutes walk away.  I knew I wasn’t supposed to take food outside, but did a delicious gourmet lollipop really count?

After about a minute I noticed I had an entourage.  There were at least half a dozen monkeys following behind me.  I tried not to worry about it, and picked up my pace a little bit.  A minute later the group had grown to about ten monkeys.  They looked like they were whispering to each other.  It seemed like they were formulating a plan.

I was nearing the main tent when they decided to execute their plan and form a circle around me.  I tried to break through, but whichever way I turned I was face to face with a monkey.

By this time I realized they were after the lollipop, but also.... it was a really good lollipop and I didn’t want to give it up.

One monkey approached me, hand out.  I backed away, but pretty soon more monkeys were approaching.  They were making weird monkey noises that sounded like “Kill the girl.  Take the lolly.”  It was like a scene from Planet of the Apes (I’ve never seen that, does this sound like a scene from that?)  Or maybe Congo, but with tiny way less scary monkeys instead of giant terrifying gorillas.  Or I guess like the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey with the monolith replaced by me holding a root beer lollipop.  Wow, there are a lot of movies this could be from.  

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I took the lollipop out of my mouth and threw it as far away from me as I could.  They all scrambled after it, fighting each other for one lick of delicious root beer goodness.  But I didn’t see who won, because I was running faster than I’d ever run in my life in the opposite direction.

I learned my lesson after that and only enjoyed delicious treats in the safety of my tent.  I did however witness one more monkey moment.

A father and his two kids were watching the monkey and the father took out his camera to videotape two of them playing in a tree.  After a moment the kids started to notice something strange.

“Daddy... what is that monkey doing to the other monkey?”  

The two monkeys were having sex.  And not sweet, “look kids, it’s nature” sex.  This was hardcore, heiney slapping, wild primate sex.  Basically this dad was making monkey porn.

After a moment the male monkey finishes, pulled out for some reason, and sprayed his monkey semen ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.  It swung from the trees in thick white ropes.  It splattered the ground.  The little girl in the family had to jump back out of the way to avoid getting hit by it.

I was laughing so hard I could hardly stand up.  When it was all over I decided giving up the lollipop had been worth it.  These monkeys were badass.

[catmastahhh]

it's so uncomfortable when you hear people making out because it sounds like you're slurping soup and oh god why