I have one of those jobs that I both love and hate at the same time.
I like it because it feels really meaningful. What I do matters I think in a direct way, and I don't think many jobs can say that. It’s also taught me a lot: How to make decisions quickly, how to stay calm under pressure, teamwork, and how important patience and kindness really are. There is research about 'meaningful work' and how it gives people a stronger sense of purpose, and I understand that. It’s easier to get through long days when you know you're actually helping someone.
But I also hate parts of it. It's by far the most exhausting job I think I've ever had.
It’s exhausting to constantly have to deal with both internal and external stress. Even if I’m not physically there, my brain still reacts to that stress. Psychology calls it things like 'secondary stress' or 'compassion fatigue', and it basically means I carry more of it than I realize.
Over time, that builds up. I become more alert, more tense, and more tired than I should be. Sometimes it follows me home. Sometimes it sits in the back of my mind when I'm trying to relax. And sometimes it just makes everything feel so heavy.
I want to be present for people in my life and there are moments where I know I should probably reach out or say something or respond; but I just feel too tired or too numb to do it properly. It’s not that I don’t care. It just kind of feels like my empathy has a limit (?), and I already used most of it earlier in the day. So I read their messages, and I feel bad for not responding the way I 'should', but at the same time I feel too tired or too numb to do more.
What makes it more complicated, I think, is that there are support systems in place, at work. There are tools, resources, things that are supposed to help with stress and mental health and they’re there for a reason (and I use them). But sometimes, instead of feeling supported, it just makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong for still struggling. Like if the support exists, then I should be able to 'handle it better' by now. And when I can’t, it turns into frustration more than anything else.
There’s also this weird layer where it feels like I shouldn’t complain at all. Like, I’m aware that having this job is something I’m supposed to be grateful for, and I am, but that doesn’t automatically make it easy. So a lot of it just stays in my head.
I don't know how to end this vent, and this is more for me than anything else anyway, but thank you for reading all the way through. ❤️
