It comes from your mam
in what sense would that be? her shortcomings, wrongdoings, projections? the way she handled me the ways in which i was not shown perhaps the level of support and love that a person should but so so rarely does. from other humans at least. is it this? or...does something else come from her...and my grandmother. a force that has entangled itself with me.. something ancestral that demands and strangles me until it blinds me. i cant see anything. the words dont come, the visions dont come its just empty blackness. the objects are there, the table is hard the bed is softer, but all i know is if i put myself down im safe. when a beastly dead force is entangled in you from within safety is the only thing you care about. joy, passion, friendship, love, nature, art, sunshine, days out, sex, fun. irrelevant. if hes not okay then im not okay. if his voice carries that sharp edge that im so familiar with then i better hide. run now and hide. but dont expect a caress but only from that dark warm hole that keeps you so sweetly safe. does he always sound that tetchy or is it me? hypervigilance. the black things that hover in the corners of my eyes. that bright infinite hole i see that pop ups out of no where randomly. like the tiniest portion of some far away nebula what am i seeing? how every object around me was designed to kill me or do me harm. right down to the plush carpet or the orange peels who sit with such hostility waiting for me to fuck up, to make some mistake, to catch me out any excuse to banish me. what a weird state to be in. when you feel the swish of your clothes on your hips as you stroll through the kitchen like its your palace and youre the queen. switching on the kettle with a flourish and quicker than a blink throwing together a coffee. only to run hurried to the tallest room in the tower and hide hide hide. they approach NO hide hide hide. theyre gonna find me and banish me i'll be gone, again and again and again. an antidote. ill just do what you ask when you ask ill do all of your bidding i swear it ill get in line, ill behave ill do whats right what im told ill be whoever you want me to be exactly how you want me to be it im sorry. if only so that i may live. so that i may exist. because trying to discover the reality who i actually am? inevitable death and demise.