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[evanismissing]

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Come on, come on, put your hands into the fire. Explain, explain. As I turn I meet the power. This time, this time, turning white and senses dire. Pull up, pull up. From one extreme to another.  Now I'm low, I'm looking out, I'm looking in. Way down, the lights are dimmer. Now I'm low, I'm looking out, I'm looking in. Way down, the lights are dimmer.

[evanismissing]

Muse. || Self para.

   Taking his grip off of the door handle, he took a step away from the door to the music room. Biting his lip, he willed no one to walk in. Unlocking the hinges on the piano, he pulled out pieces of paper and slipped his fingers between two strings to reach the pen that fell off the paper. Looking up at the clock, he put the pen between his teeth and the papers between his knees. Closing the lid, he let out a breath and swiftly slid his body around to the front of the piano and sat down at the bench. Setting the papers down in order, he reread everything he had down so far, seeing where he left off. The boy had worked on the song almost every day now, even missed a few classes when he hadn't noticed the time. Taking the pen out of his mouth, he held it between his fingers like a cigarette and tapped it against his leg. As he did so, his knee bounced up and down. 'Ugh'ing at himself, he tried to remain still, but didn't enjoy the tight feeling in his chest in place of fidgeting. 

   Evan didn't want to touch the piano yet, just singing the words in his head, they didn't fit right. There wasn't a chance that he'd change the music, so the lyrics were in question. Standing up, he paced back and forth, waiting for the right sentence to flow nicely. He repeated sentences in his head as he paced, piecing together the correct words. Usually it didn't cause him too much trouble, but he couldn't focus well and the words weren't just pouring out as perfectly as they usually did. Feeling as if he found something okay, he returned to the bench and closed his eyes, familiarly setting his hands on the piano and automatically started playing. A small smile spread across his lips as he liked what he heard.

   The room was filled with octaves and different harmonies to match the melody for however long. Evan's eyes just continually opened and closed, his hands writing and playing, his ears listening and correcting. He wasn't paying attention to anything but his feelings and thoughts, and the music he was trying to create. Occasionally he sang out loud. He'd probably only sing out loud if it weren't for being afraid that someone may hear him, on top of the piano being moderately loud. Sighing, he looked up at the clock while stretching and curling his fingers against his leg. Raising his eyebrows, he bit his lip and stood up, twisting his back a bit. He put the papers back and left the room.

   As he walked back to his room, he wrapped his arms around his stomach. He was surprised he'd been in there so long. When he played was pretty much the only time he didn't glance at a clock 24/7. Hours had passed since he'd left Lily and gone to the music room. Now that he was walking to his room through the cold hallways, he realized how tired he was. It'd been a few days since his last sleep and he was close to running on empty. He didn't want to sleep but he knew it was going to come to him tonight.

   Opening his door, he threw his jacket on the floor and closed it. He took his shoes off and pulled his jeans down in the darkness. Finding his bed, in the same spot it always has been, he laid down and pulled the sheets up to around his shoulders. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly, he wrapped his arms around his shoulders again, waiting for the memories to invade him until numbness cocooned him and shook him to sleep. After a few minutes of nothing, he rolled onto his back and opened his eyes, them taking a few seconds to adjust to the darkness. Why weren't blue and red lights flashing behind his lids, why wasn't the room spinning and the hands against there? Was he really still not tired enough to sleep?

   Closing his eyes again, he just laid there and started singing the song in his head again. Thoughts of Lily flooded his mind and before he had time to recognize anything, she was vividly in front of him. Fuck. Not a nightmare about Lily again, he couldn't deal with those. They usually started off nicely and ended up shitty. 

   But this time they weren't in Arkeon like usual. His hand was wrapped around her small one, with the tips of her fingers showing over the side of his hand. Their skin both pale against each other, her colored fingernails standing out. Had he ever seen Lily with painted nails? He didn't think so, but he turned on the bed and fully let himself slip into the sleep, not aware that he was sleeping. The boy holding her hand gave a big smile in response to something the girl had said and turned his head to kiss her cheek. A smile reciprocated on her face.

   Evan didn't recognize these people. The boy looked like him, but he was smiling, there weren't any bags under his eyes. His lips weren't slightly chapped like Evan's, his eyes weren't bloodshot and his hair wasn't messy. His smile was big and gave off so much joy it could shatter someone's heart. In a good kind of way. If that makes sense to anyone but Evan. The girl wore a smile as well, just as big. She looked like Lily, but she too was missing the circles under her eyes that Lily seemed to sport recently. This girl seemed to glow even more than Lily already did in Evan's eyes. She glowed on her own, without the care and lust that shrouded Evan's eyes. Anyone could see it. Her grip on the boy's hand seemed to be tight and her dark eyes spoke lengths. 

   They continued to walk along nowhere, just talking and laughing. Sharing sweet gestures that could make anyone's heart swell. There wasn't sound in the pictures playing in Evan's mind, just soft music that fit this imaginary scene. The words that came out of their mouths were all unrecognizable. Until the boy turned to the girl and took her other hand in his and kissed her lips gently. The words he silently spoke would be readable to anyone. And the words she spoke back as she squeezed his hands in hers was just as readable. 'I love you.'

   With a lump in his throat, Evan quickly swallowed as the surroundings of his room came into sight. Confused and surprised, he took in a big breath through his nose and held it, blinking a few times. He let it out and sat up, scooting back against the wall. Checking his clock, he saw he'd only slept about an hour and a half. 

   Wait -- slept? He just slept. He was sleeping. He hadn't had a nightmare, or a flashback before he fell asleep, or blank nothingness on his mind while he slept. Furrowing his eyebrows, he sat there trying to make sense of what happened. A slow smile crept upon his face as he closed his eyes so not one little spot of wetness would come from his eyes. Even if they were happy.

   Evan had dreamt again. For the first time that he can remember. This should be fucking documented. He literally could not remember the last time he'd dreamed. And it was because of Lily that he finally had again. The smile faded from his mouth when he remembered just how perfectly content they seemed. He kept his eyes closed so that the memory of it and the images wouldn't fade at all. He wanted it. He wanted everything in the dream. Dream. It sounds nice. 

   Lily's constant smiling face, her hand in his, his happiness, the love they seemed to share. Why was he even thinking about that? He only had a crush on her. Could he really possibly want to love her? He was positive he didn't love her yet, but playing with the idea of loving her was enough to choke a smile out of him. 

   He needed to stop. Rubbing his face, he walked into the bathroom on the other side of his room that he was equipped with. Even though it was only four something, he decided to take a shower. Maybe then he could find something to do and clear his mind of Lily, even though he didn't really want to. He was grateful to her, and he still didn't really know how else to feel about the fact that he'd just had a dream other than gratefulness. Stripping down, he stepped under the water he'd just turned on and closed the shower door. Leaning against the wall, he willed his mind to clear. Just before it did though, he smiled to himself. The music playing in his head, his constant thoughts, his dream. Lily was his muse. 

[evanismissing]

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