#bad how

[tysonrunningfox]

What a ridiculous question. Why would a kid be on the rtte wiki so that their purposefully bad porn is Plot Relevant? Insane.

[tysonrunningfox]

Honestly I love the idea of Hiccup and Astrid having to figure out how the hell this "good sex" thing works by trial and error? I know people seem to generally enjoy smut where everything runs smoothly on cliché romance-novel rails, but it's so much more fun and character-specific and hilarious (and hot, tbh) to imagine Hiccup approaching it with the same stubborn determination and willingness to try whatever works that he brought to dragon training, and Astrid being fiercely determined to Get Good at this like everything else. Give me the goofy M-rated equivalent of the montage in the first movie where Hiccup is figuring stuff out, complete with comic mishaps and successes and failures and both of them toppling off the table with a dreadful crash, and everyone giving them funny/suspicious looks when they limp sheepishly into the great hall the next morning. Please and thank you!

Yes! You get it!

And I think I got myself into trouble being like, the midnight flight was bad. Because I'm right. And now I'm here.

Like part of the fun in this for me is that I now get to go do something I've never done before which is write very bad sex. Like, not writing sex badly, I have done that (shout out to my badly written gay rpf fanfic from the thing that I self-published recently) but just two people who do not know what they are doing messing up and being upset and concerned about it. Yay I love writing new things that are hard! I love breaking things in fiction then fixing them!

And then it's literally going to be so fun because everything goes wrong and bad and then they're both coping with it so differently, like Astrid is both vexed that she was bad at something and also trying to re-focus on what's Actually Important but also, worried about where this leaves her and Hiccup. And meanwhile Hiccup is beating himself up because he did not mean to hurt her and he feels even worse because well, while not ideal, that still felt pretty good to him, and that's the worst thing ever.

Or maybe second worst. Because he keeps going over it in his mind and he has Ideas now. He thinks he Missed things. But he cannot put pressure on it. At all! Ever! Because he's lucky she still wants to marry him at all!

[tysonrunningfox]

I struggle to believe that this nerd hasn't gotten his hands on the Viking karma sutra though

I hate that I just googled that phrase. I thought I was missing out on some very entertaining Viking lore, but that’s not real and I am sad, actually.

But even if it were, that’s the whole thing about porn being bad real life advice, isn’t it? Like for real, he is a teenager. It is the Middle Ages. I cannot imagine that there would be much realism in the Viking Kama sutra. The art would be stylized. He would know that he does not bend like that so probably a theoretical girl does not bend the way it is portrayed.

Now I need to spend too much time on the bayeux tapestry generator site though because now I want to make a sex ed tapestry.

[tysonrunningfox]

Do they not try again until they get married? I will be poking this bear more, please and thank you.

I feel like that’s probably how they want to handle it at first. Kind of just an um, well, that went how it went. Glad we know. I guess…we’ll worry about that later. Let’s just focus on dragon hunters.

But they are nineteen! And in love! And not used to giving up!

And just because that didn’t go as planned they aren’t going to avoid each other. There’s no reason that they can’t still kiss, but then that’s confusing because they’re getting pretty good at that, and well, if kissing took practice, maybe everything else does too.

But Hiccup’s not bringing that up because he Hurt her! And feels horrible and will put no pressure on her at all about it. Even if he has 17 ideas of what he’d do differently. Starting with being inside, where it’s not cold.

[tysonrunningfox]

In regards to the bear, what compels you more the midnight flight of the aftermath/follow up?

Both.

Like it’s so funny.

Just thinking of Astrid being like I’m a shieldmaiden, I know people say it hurts the first time but I’ve literally given myself stitches, I will be fine. Plus, it’s Hiccup, he’d never hurt her, so why even bring up that she’s nervous about it? Because they’re Adults. They’re Betrothed. This is a serious adult activity she will not bring childish nerves into.

And then it does hurt. Because they don’t know what they’re doing and she’s nervous and it’s probably cold and yes, that is actually very different from being stabbed in the conventional sense. And Hiccup is horrified because that was not what he was going for! And she’s Astrid, he saw her give herself stitches! There’s no way he should be able to hurt her accidentally!

It’s so messy. It can only go up from here. It’s beautiful.