It's been way too long since I last posted. So fucking much has happened since.. so I'll do a basic sum up but eventually will all come to light as I post in the future. DADDY got arrested.. at home.. and much like last time I felt lost and abandoned (apparently I have abandonment issues, at least that's what I have recently learned) but unlike last time I kick into hustle mode. Fear of providing for myself inadequately and keeping my promise to provide my full support given such the situation occur since last time I was a horrible human being and pretty much just left him in jail and moved on with my life. I never realized how shitty that was until I was in jail a few months later and even though he shouldn't have, he was there for me. The most important thing that I forgot to mention.. I expressively promised him that I would wait for him. No matter what. Not even for survival. I never hesitated. Why would I? After all, all I have ever wanted was him and me and that loyalty. I was a much better person than I was when he met me. I was changing, or so I thought. The whole day leading up to when he got arrested it had been detox from dope and drink a lot kind of day. Immediately I started trying to do whatever I could to get high, because how else would I cope with the fact that (without any doubt) Daddy would be incarcerated for at LEAST a couple of months. Anxiety and fear set in while I tried to figure out where I would go or if I would be able to stay in his tent given the fact that I'm not really wanted here and everything is DIFFERENT without him in the equation. Later that night I headed to taco bell to pick up some burritos cause I was starving and we had absolutely no food and he did not leave his food stamp card. As I was headed back I ran into MO. Who really didn't want to talk to me, but I knew he could guide me into survival at least. Anyways, getting what I wanted I headed back home. Most of the time that he was in jail I never wanted to leave our bed. I'd get my self meds then bring it home to do by myself. I guess I let it all get to me.. the hustling.. the drugs.. the freedom.. fear. Somewhere I had forgotten who I was because I did the ONE FUCKING thing that I will fucking regret for the rest of my life. I was trying so hard to get money to put on his books (cause that's what I wanted the most when I was in jail) and I guess I got wrapped in the game. It's amazing how you can destroy so much in so little time. Everything I have fought to become and everything that I wanted my future to be.. DESTROYED.. ultimately for absolutely nothing. The dude was a creep and I had been dodging him for days (even was a little scared at one point because he was so persistent). Hands down the worst sex I have had in my ENTIRE LIFE. I literally kept begging to quit. What's fucked up is how I didn't even have to since MO was providing me all the free meds I could do. From this point out he is no longer known as MO it's more like NFM. NFM supported my habit, got nothing from me in return, and as it turns out is not the person I thought he was ( everytime). Someone stated they need all my attention so I will continue at a later point.
