#bagginshield omens

[godihatethisfreakingcat]

Crossover idea in seven words

“You go too fast for me, Thorin.”

[godihatethisfreakingcat]

Great, so now I have to ficlet Bagginshield Omens.

Yeah, this won’t leave my head. Thank you to @lindamanavella for coming up with the mithril shirt idea, which is what made this idea pop into my noggin and stick around. :D

1967

Thorin sighed and rested his head against the steering wheel of his rented Hillman Imp*. The universe clearly had it out for him, if a bloody demon couldn’t even gather a proper team for a simple heist on a church. He didn’t care what fancy title he had in front of his name; that Shadwell character was about as effective as an emergency button in a lift when it came to getting Thorin what he needed. He could tell that already.

“I hear you’re setting up a caper to rob a church.”

Thorin started in his seat and narrowly missed hitting his knees on the steering column. “What are you doing here?”

Bilbo ignored him in favor of bulldozing him, as he often did when he thought Thorin was being foolish. Thorin wasn’t particularly inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t, this time. “Thorin, holy water won’t just kill you. It will destroy you completely.” You idiot, his tone clearly said.

Thorin wouldn’t lie back and take it this time. He had enough troubles, and holy water was a solution he couldn’t afford to let pass by this time. With Dis’s latest attempt to get out of Hell’s clutches, he needed insurance more than ever. She was being beyond reckless in her interactions with humans, and it fell to him to protect her. “You made your opinion clear a century ago, Baggins. I haven’t changed my mind. There are things you don’t -” He broke off and swallowed hard to clear his throat.

“I can’t have you risking your life.” Bilbo set his petulant mouth. “Not even for something dangerous. So you can call off the bloody robbery, you twit.” He reached into his waistcoat and pulled out a Thermos printed with an unholy red-and-green paisley pattern that made Thorin want to retch just looking at it. “Don’t, you know, pull the suicide-pill routine, or I’ll come by and dig you out of wherever the killing-with-extreme-prejudice sent you and I’ll make you wish you’d never Fallen!”

Thorin raised an eyebrow. Dramatics didn’t suit Bilbo - no, they did. He wasn’t about to lie to himself. “It’s the real thing?”

“The holiest,” said Bilbo, puffing out with fairly restrained pride. Thorin appreciated the gesture. Wouldn’t do to have an angel sinning on his behalf.

“After everything you said,” Thorin continued, pushing his luck. “I suppose you want me to thank you.”

Bilbo flipped him two fingers.

Thorin snorted. “Yes, I know. Can I give you a lift anywhere?”

Bilbo shook his head. “I think you’ve done enough. Oh, don’t look so disappointed!”

But he hadn’t. His heart began to pound. What were the chances, that on this night of all nights, he would have it? “Look, I’ve got a gift for you.”

“You have?”

Thorin reached into the back and pulled out the package, wrapped in an unassuming blue paper. “It - it’s for you,” he said, unable to keep from stammering. “With...you know, with Heaven watching, I thought you could use...” He trailed off as Bilbo, face unreadable, pulled the maille shirt out of its wrapping and held it in front of his face. “If you want,” he finished lamely.

Bilbo stared at him for a long moment. “You go too fast for me, Thorin,” he finally said, and got out.

The shirt remained on the seat where he’d left it.

Thorin bit his lip hard enough to taste his own sulfurous blood as he let his head thump against the wheel again. He wasn’t going to bloody cry over an angel, of all the ridiculous things.

But he did resolve to buy a car of his own one of these days, so that he could do a bit of reverse percussive maintenance on it the next time Bilbo fucking Baggins swanned into his life and walked out with his heart - without worrying about losing his security deposit.

---

*The Hillman Imp was one of the worst cars of its day, something Thorin only became aware of the first time he tried to drive the rental. His swearing, which he claimed as a response to a small child enjoying a piece of candy, earned him a commendation from Hell.

[godihatethisfreakingcat]

A third rendition of Bagginshield Omens

For @poplitealqueen - congratulations on getting that job! :) Now for Bagginshield Omens, in which Bilbo experiences a tiny delay before he can get to the book of prophecy.

2019 (2 Days to the End of the World)

Thorin stared after the retreating angel. “Well,” he muttered, “that was a thing.”

He lightly thumped the roof of his car, which had no answers. Might as well go back to the flat; it seemed he wouldn’t be getting any farther with this whole mess tonight. Hellhounds and hijinks with guns and hitting someone with his car called for a night in the flat, yelling at whatever shit comedian was on television.

Which was exactly what he would have done, if two stomach-droppingly familiar hooligans hadn’t walked by.

“Uncle!” Fili yelled, waving excitedly. “Check it out, Uncle, there’s this ancient bookshop over here!”

“And a Starbucks over there!” Kili put in, in what he probably thought was a helpful manner.

Thorin mentally swore in every language he’d ever heard, beginning with Sumerian and moving up to Esperanto, as he stalked over to the two most infuriating elements of his cursed life.

The fact that Fili was wearing his hipster glasses, which he didn’t need*, became apparent as Thorin got close enough to make out the lads’ facial features. “Good to see you, Uncle,” Fili said, swooping in for a hug before Thorin could protest. “It’s been ages.”

“Ages and ages,” Kili said. “Work’s been so fucking boring, I thought I’d wander around the park with Fee. Not sure how we ended up here. But look, we ran into you!” His face split into a grin that would have been infectious at any other time. “How are things?”

“How are -” Thorin choked on his words and took a second to seethe before he made his decision. He grabbed Fili by the arm. “In,” he said through his teeth as he did the same to Kili, and dragged both protesting nephews through the bookshop doors. “You little - of all the places you could be, how did you -”

“We’re closed!” Bilbo shouted, sounding even shirtier than usual. “Terribly sorry, but we are very, very closed!”

Thorin dropped Fili and Kili’s arms and started off towards the back room. “Bilbo, I don’t care what’s going on in your head. I need to talk to you!”

“Uncle,” Fili said from behind him, “you’re being weird.”

“Who doesn’t lock their bookshop?” Kili mused.

Bilbo poked his head out from the office. “Wait,” he said, eyes wide, “Uncle?”

Thorin sighed. “Yes,” he said. “I realize this is going to come as a surprise, but these are my nephews. Bilbo Baggins, Fili and Kili Durin. Fili and Kili, Bilbo Baggins, bookshop owner.”

Fili, always the politer of the two, held out his hand to a swiftly-approaching Bilbo. “Charmed, Mr. Boggins,” he said.

“Baggins!” Bilbo sputtered. “Thorin. Nephews?“ If he could shoot lasers out of his eyes, as he’d long threatened to apply to Heaven for, Thorin suspected that he would have been discorporated half a second ago. “What in the name of all things good is going on?”

“You may want to sit down for this - Kili, get out of those books!” Thorin went to the shelf that Kili seemed to be interested in and scruffed him by the ponytail. “These belong to Bilbo.”

“Yes,” said Bilbo, “and they’re hundreds of years old!”

Kili pulled back and looked at Fili, who returned the gaze. By the mischief in their eyes, Thorin knew something terrible was about to happen. “So sorry, Mr. Baggins,” Fili said.

Bilbo folded his arms. “Well, see that you don’t do it again. If you drop any of those, you’ll blunt the corners.”

“Oooh,” said Kili, “hear that, Fee? He says we’ll blunt the books!”

And with that - although Thorin didn’t know how they did it** - they launched into one of the strangest songs he’d ever heard.

“Blunt the books, bend the spines, get a fork and break the tines. Chip the teacups and crack the plates - that’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!”

Thorin felt his jaw slowly make its way closer and closer to the floor as his nephews, his horrifically embarrassing nephews, made their way through an on-the-fly rendition of...well, he’d call it mockery, but the enormous smiles on their faces made it clear that they were having fun. This was what fun was for them. Where the heaven had he and Dis gone wrong? “Bilbo,” he said when they’d finally finished, “I am so sorry.”

“That...that was...” A vein twitched in Bilbo’s forehead. Impressive, seeing as he didn’t technically need blood. “Nephews.”

“Do you remember in the nineties, when you accused me of dropping off your radar on purpose?” Thorin asked.

“How could I forget?”

Fili broke his John Wayne-like pose and gave Kili a high five. “He was raising us!” he said. “That’s what you mean, right, Uncle? Mum had one-night stands and she needed help, so he’s like our dad.”

“My sister, Dis,” Thorin was quick to explain. “I’ve told you about her. She wanted to...get out. Of the business.” He jerked his chin towards the floor. “That.”

Kili nodded somberly. “The mob,” he said. “Mum used to be in the Mafia. She won’t talk about it.”

“Mob?” Bilbo echoed.

“Yes.” Thorin seized gratefully on the old explanation. “They just showed up. If they’re...seen, things could get bad. So I thought I’d bring them in and...”

“Well, you have to bring them out now,” Bilbo said. “Very nice to meet the both of you.” He made a neat bow at the waist. “But I’ve other things to do, important things.” His tone suggested that he wouldn’t be putting up with this much longer. Thorin had become intimately familiar with those cadences over the centuries.

He nodded. “Right. Well...boys, it’s time to get out of here and go back to your flat. You’ve both got work in the morning.”

Fili frowned. “You’re right,” he said. “Kee, we should get something at Starbucks and go home. Data won’t enter itself.”

“I guess,” Kili said, blowing out his cheeks with a rude noise. “Let’s go, Uncle.”

Thorin shot a last glance at Bilbo, who shook his head, and let the pair of them drag him out.

“I didn’t know you had more friends in the mob, Uncle,” Fili said as they started away from the shop. “Is he anything like that Hastur?”

“That guy’s weird,” said Kili.

“No, and I don’t want either of you trying to contact him,” Thorin told them. He’d had the heaven of a time hiding the boys the last time Hastur and Ligur showed up unexpected. Fortunately, the way Hastur smelled had kept them away.

“Hmmm.” Fili stroked his ridiculous little beard. “Well, at least this one has a job.”

He was right, and Thorin knew it, but the remark still got under his skin all the rest of the night. Almost as much as the Antichrist.

***

*Both boys had inherited demonically perfect vision, much to Thorin and Dis’s relief. Thorin dreaded to think what an oculist’s tools might see in the back of a half-demon’s eye. 

**The ability to make up annoying songs on the fly also came from their demon half.

[godihatethisfreakingcat]

More Bagginshield Omens

I’m still headachy and a little nauseated, which precludes my “serious” writing - but I feel like I need to tell the world about when Thorin met Fili. <3

1991

His nephew’s tiny blond head only just filled his hand. Thorin cupped the back of his skull, feeling the rush of blood through the baby’s fragile veins against his fingers. “He’s so small,” he whispered. Even that seemed to echo in the quiet room. “So tiny.”

“Babies are like that,” Dis drawled.

“Yes,”  said Thorin, “but this one is yours.”

Dis yawned and propped her head up against her elbow on the pillow. It seemed that even for demons, with supernatural strength and endurance, labor was a...well, a laborious affair. The curse of Eve was pervasive. “He’ll never know, you know,” she said. Her gaze flicked to the doorway, where the midwife had exited after marveling on how easy the birth was*. “She can’t hear us, right?”

“No,” Thorin said. They were quiet enough that only another demon could have heard them. “What are you going to tell him if he starts - manifesting?”

Dis shook her head and drew her finger across her throat, staring bloody murder** at him. “He won’t,” she said. “He’s demonspawn, but I’m a full demon and I’m stronger than he is.”

Thorin shifted the baby to the crook of his elbow and stared down into his face. His features were nebulous and softened with sleep, but Thorin thought that maybe - just maybe - he could see the nose that he and his sister shared. They had Fallen together; perhaps their blood had truly bonded. Idly, he wondered what one of those human DNA tests would say. “And his father?”

“I told him I’m Orthodox,” Dis said. “He accepted that. He wants to visit, but he doesn’t really want to be a father.”

“If I ever find him,” Thorin muttered, “I’m killing him for putting you in danger.”

Dis raised an eyebrow. “Do I look like I’m in danger?”

“I’m not quite sure what you look like anymore,” Thorin admitted. “Dis, you know how reckless this was. Conceiving a child with a human - if Hell finds out that demons can do this, ordinary demons, I don’t know what they’ll do to -”

“You’ve only told me this a thousand times since you found out I was pregnant,” Dis interrupted. “I’m fine, Thorin. Hell doesn’t know where I’ve gone, and unless you go and do something stupid, they never will.”

Thorin sighed and carefully sat down on the edge of the bed. The baby slept on, undisturbed. He wished he could be that carefree. “Well, what are you going to call him?”

Dis sat up and held out her arms. “Give him to me.” When Thorin obliged, she looked at her son and cocked her head. A smile broke out on her face. “He’ll get a name of his own,” she said. “One that doesn’t mean anything. I think...Fili.”

“Fili,” Thorin said. “It suits him.”

2008

“However did you get this good with babies?” Bilbo demanded. “You’ve never expressed any interest in children! He - he likes you better, you prat!”

Thorin rolled his eyes and bounced Warlock a little harder on his knee. Warlock gurgled and waved his fists at him. “I read a lot. And I’m supposed to be his nanny, aren’t I? Be a piss-poor one if he didn’t like me.”

“You don’t read.” Bilbo crossed his arms.

“Shut up,” said Thorin, “and go back to your plants.”

***

* “Easy for you, maybe,” Dis had muttered at that. The midwife took the cue and stopped making comments.

** Literal bloody murder. He’d seen her rip a catcaller’s head off in her eighth month of pregnancy.

[godihatethisfreakingcat]

I need to write more Bagginshield Omens ficlets, not least because I can bust out THIS bit of dialogue between Thorin and his nephews at the airbase:

"Satan below, are you two all right??? Are you burned?"

"...THAT FUCKING THING WAS ON FIRE???"

"Wait, you didn't realize that?"

"No, we were pretending to be John Mulaney in the boot! Hey, Fíli, did you manage to punch out the taillight?"

"No! Bollocks, I didn't get it, but I can hit you with a phone book later."

The "I am hAvInG a MoMeNt here!" line could be used because Thorin is taking time to freak out over the possibility that the car could have blown up with Fíli and Kíli still inside, since in this 'verse, he doesn't really care about the car he drives (didn't even get one until the late 1960s).

Meanwhile, Bilbo (stuck in Madame Tracy) is silently fuming.

[godihatethisfreakingcat]

Just imagine Fili and Kili stripping down, whooping happily, and jumping into a bathtub full of holy water with someone they think is their Uncle Thorin.

“Oh, cool, it feels like a pool with too much chlorine. THINK FAST, KILI!” *SPLASH*

[godihatethisfreakingcat]

your bagginshield omens is perfect

Thank you, sweet anon!

(Trump tweeted that Jews who don't vote for him are disloyal and I'm actually scared for my life now. I needed this.)

[godihatethisfreakingcat]

Would anyone be interested in reading a fic with Demon!Thorin and baby Fili?