#bamfjournal

[fangirllifebook-blog]

I'm 9 months into the Year of the BAMF, and I think I need to do some reviewing.

Adulting report card: 

Daily habits: A- 

God bless the little things, because I often forget what a difference there is between now and last year. I make my bed every day, I pack my lunch every day, I have good dental habits like whoa, and I pay off my debt inch by inch. I'd like to be at 100% but I'm proud of myself for the progress I've made. 

Health habits: B

Seeing Fed Up scared the crap out of me when it comes to consuming sugar, so my eating habits have changed significantly in the past year. My fridge is full of fruits and veggies and I have good sources of protein. But my exercise routine is virtually nonexistent. So there's that. 

Getting rejected: A

Oh god I am a star at getting rejected aren't it. I get No's from magazines and other publications every week, and not being afraid of rejection has rocketed my income as a writer. I have an agent *fingers crossed* and possibly a book. Four for me for getting my ass rejected more times than not.

Being kind to myself: D

I'm gonna give myself a low grade on this because even though I do fun things and indulge myself all the time, I am constantly guilting myself for taking a break. I hope I can make the next three months a time of radical self-compassion. 

Appearance: C-

I do miss my no pants days. Working at home and a casual environment in the office have sent me catapulting into slouchville while all my lovely clothes hang neglected in my closet. Honestly I have no excuse. 

Saying No: B+

I'm getting better at saying no. I politely decline when people expect me to help them for free.  I even fired a writing client last week who wasn't worth the effort. But alas I give in to the pressure most of the time. 

So it's obvious now where to place my efforts for the rest of the year, all while being kind to myself and enjoying my sweet, dumb ordinary life as Anne Lamott would say. Onward and upward. 

[fangirllifebook-blog]

Now that I have an agent, this week I will start working on my book proposal. I want to thank everybody for all of your kind words last week. I may be posting questions or asking for your comments about fangirling as I piece together some writing. So don't hesitate to share your thoughts!

I've also been thinking about how I really don't share all of my rejections in my bamf journal. I probably email ten people a week about writing opportunities and either never hear back from them or get a no if I'm lucky. The entire reason I emailed this literary agency was because I felt Iike I was slacking with my goal of getting rejected every day. And look what happened!

Never, ever let the word "no" be your reason for not trying something. I would say you have nothing to fear, but the reality is you have everything to fear. What's the real test is whether you let the fear be a good enough reason to stop. To avoid the possibility that a yes is around the corner. Because sometimes it is. 

[fangirllifebook-blog]

This morning at the coffee shop I overheard a young woman being interviewed for a job by an older man. She kept prefacing her sentences with phrases like “I may be wrong but,” and “I’m not an expert but.” 

I never hear men begin sentences by sabotaging or discounting their knowledge. For the love of god, stop apologizing for knowing something. For being damn good at something. Just fucking own it. 

[yetanotherramblingfangirl]

I'm officially on summer vacation. Time to take stock of the year so far.

Today was the last day of school in the school district I work in.  I haven't written a BAMF journal entry since February.  It's time to fix that.

Work-related Accomplishments

I made myself a fixture in two middle schools.

I became well acquainted with the hiring committee in one school.  I've been told to email any of the three people on that committee anytime I apply for a job.  They'll serve as references for me.

I subbed in several very rough classrooms and I didn't quit.  If anything, working with some of these kids made me more determined to be a teacher.

I've already been asked to cover a full maternity leave at the beginning of the 2014-15 school year if I don't find a full-time position.

Personal Accomplishments

I didn't let rejection derail me.  I kept applying to schools until the hiring freeze went into effect during mid-April.

I applied for a mission program.  Even though I ultimately didn't make it into that program, I actually applied.  I didn't let myself talk myself out of it.  I actually tried.  Sometimes that's more important than succeeding.

I asked for help when I needed it.  This is a big deal.  Usually I'm too afraid of looking stupid or some other ridiculous thing.  But I've been working on it, and there's been improvement.  I can write emails with questions quite well now.  I'm still working on phone calls.

Random Stuff

I wanted to read 25 books this year.  I've already read 31.  [Well, technically 30. But I'm counting "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" as a book because it was a stand-alone ebook.]

Things I still need to work on

I've improved when it comes to apologizing for things I have no cause to apologize for.  I no longer start questions with 'I'm sorry but...' But I still apologize for things over which I have no control.  There's still a lot of room for improvement.

Phone calls.  Just in general.  I need to develop some better phone skills.

I need to work on speaking up.  I still tend to retreat into the background and keep to myself most of the time.

WRITE MORE.

While I feel a little bit like I've stagnated on all of my goals [except my reading goal], I have actually made a lot of progress when I stop to look at the year so far.  Sometimes progress is slow.  Sometimes it comes in fits and starts.  As long as it doesn't stop completely, I think that's positive.

Hopefully the rest of 2014 will continue to get better.  I'm feeling optimistic that it will.

[fangirllifebook-blog]

Every day I have a choice. I can focus on the tasks I didn't get around to doing, or I can celebrate what I did accomplish and show a little self-compassion to prepare for tomorrow. If only I could learn this.

[fangirllifebook-blog]

5 months later

I won't summarize everything tonight, but today when I was flying home from Florida, this little old lady sitting next to me on the plane asked me where I lived and what I did.  I normally don't tell people on planes I'm a counselor for good reason, but for the first time on a plane, I told someone who asked me my profession, that I was a writer. And it felt pretty fucking good.  

Over 50% of my income comes from writing now, so I can actually say this. 5 months ago I couldn't say that. I am poor, I am still in school, I am still a therapist, and I am still a teacher. But I am a writer. 

One of my friends who was in Florida with me was telling me that I have inspired her to start telling people that she's an activist. "Kathleen, you just started telling people that you were a writer," she told me. "And you became one." 

This year has been a roller coaster in many ways, but if I succeed in nothing else, I said something I wanted more than anything out loud. I said it more than once. I said it to people who didn't care and who never asked. I said it to myself. It was never a magic trick. There was hard work, and a million rejections, and even more radio silence.

But I'm a writer. I have more assignments than there are hours in the day. I complain and I groan and I ask myself why I ever wanted to do this. And I fucking love all of it. 

[fangirllifebook-blog]

Tomorrow I start teaching my first graduate class. All the zillion years of school and I finally get to be a professor. I'm so nervous, because most of the students are years older than I am, but I'm gonna BAMF through it because I'm a damn good teacher and therapist and also very entertaining. 

[fangirllifebook-blog]

Reflections on 28

I am 29 today. I feel so very, very young. This frustrates me but it also comforts me, to know that I have years of BAMFing ahead of me. 

28 was a great year and a difficult one. I had to leave my job to be an intern yet again for school. I watched my friends lose loved ones and struggle with illness but also get married and have children. I made new friends and connected with old ones. My father told me he wanted to become a woman. I told my father that was okay with me. I watched my family circle around and show nothing but love when I fully expected them to run in the opposite direction. 

28 taught me that people will surprise you. That it is never too late to say what you want, out loud. At 28, or like my dad, at 60.

The internet surprised me this last year. I thought my fangirl days were over, and the world of tumblr has introduced the most beautiful friendships I will carry with me for years and years.

I have also surprised myself. I've shown myself that I could do just about anything if I showed up and I spoke it. 

I can't think of any greater knowledge to carry with me into 29. So cheers to another year of BAMFING. Onward and upward.