For Harringrove April Day 26: "Easy"
Debajo de las estrellas, empezamos de nuevo (Beneath the stars, we start anew)
÷÷÷÷
They agree to take it slow this time.
After Billy is released from the hospital with scars over his chest, arms, and torso that will never fade. Wounds to his psyche that will never fully heal. A new pacemaker and a nephrostomy catheter he has to drain with every trip to the bathroom.
After Steve's latest concussion leaves him with terrible migraines, motion sickness, and defective depth perception. After his latest run-in with the upside down leaves him with horrifying nightmares, debilitatingly anxiety, and life-threatening recklessness.
They no longer share quick and sloppy sex in cramped cars, closets, bathrooms. Instead they share warm cuddles, gentle words, late night crying fits.
Instead, they take it easy, do this slowly, touch softly.
Make it work for real.
The night Billy is discharged from the hospital, he picks Steve up, drives them out to the quarry. Steve doesn't drive anymore; can't, with his messed up depth perception and memories of the Camaro up in flames.
When they get there, laying over gravel and resilient shoots of grass, staring up at the distant stars,
Steve says, "I wanna take it slow this time around. Wanna take it easy with you."
And Billy nods. Says with a sigh, "It always feels easy when I'm with you."
Steve makes a sound at the edge of his throat, almost like a whimper. Almost like a song.
He rolls to the side and leans over Billy. Gives his forehead a melodic kiss and says, "Never thought I'd be able to do this. Never thought you'd let me feel at home with you."
Tears are dripping from Billy's eyes by the time Steve pulls back. But he isn't sad. He's symphonic. He's melting in the symphony that is Steve's hand in his. Melting in the knowledge that this- this is what it feels like, to be truly loved.
And things will never be perfect, but from now on, he will always know he is loved.
________
One quiet afternoon in spring, Steve comes back from work looking forward to mindless cartoons and cooking dinner with Billy. Instead. He finds Billy breaking down.
Finds him locked in the upstairs bathroom. Curled in the bathtub, shower running with the water on the hottest setting. Their two heaters running full blast. Billy is convinced he's been possessed again, is trying to force the shadow out.
Steve has to break down the door. Turn off the heaters and the water. Force Billy to look at him with two hands cradling his jaw. Convince him the shadow passed months ago. Rub his back when the adrenaline dies down and the heat has him vomiting.
He takes Billy to the downstairs bathroom for a cold shower. Gets in and holds him through it.
They go to bed early that night. Blanket kicked off and holding each other tightly under Steve's plaid sheet.
________
Sometimes, when Steve wakes up from yet another nightmare. Yet another replay of Billy's body hitting the mall floor for what could have been the last time. He reaches out and grips Billy's shoulders too tightly.
He sobs and begs him to make it stop.
Cries, "Please. Promise me you're really here. Promise me I'm not dreaming this."
And Billy does. Promises he's here and safe and living. Slowly pulls Steve's shaking, squeezing hands from his shoulders. Wraps his lover's arms around his middle so Steve can hold him. So Steve can trace his fingers over Billy's scars and confirm that he lived through it.
________
So. Nothing will ever be perfect. But they share a love that makes moving forward possible.
Because Billy meant it when he said that everything feels easy when he's with Steve. Steve makes it easy, to be happy, sad, angry, terrified. Steve let's him be genuine. Let's him be honest about what he's feeling. Doesn't make him force on a mask.
Steve laughs with him when he's happy. Brings him ice cream when he's sad. Walks out to the treeline and screams with him when he's mad; let's him throw punches into the earth.
Steve holds him close and makes promises he can keep when Billy gets frightened. Smiles when Billy restlessly braids sections of chestnut hair to soothe his anxiety.
Steve lets him be. Steve lets him be himself.
++
And Billy, he. He feels like home for Steve.
Because sometimes, Steve starts to think he's stopped being a solid human being. Feels like he's floating away. Feels.. wispy. Thinks maybe he's started dissolving. Wonders if he every really was solid matter. But then Billy is there. And Steve can exhale and feel real. Feel like he exists in an undeniable way. He remembers what home feels like. It feels like Billy.
Being with Billy is being at home.
________
So. Being together means unstoppable force meets immovable object. In a way that feels safe. In a way that means, even though the world falls through, they will always be pushing up against each other. They will always be head to head, heart to heart, never pushing each other off the road. Never crashing past and leaving behind. And in the early-morning-dead-of-night, they know: this love is enough.☄️