#batcat!bro reader

[thealtoduck]

Tim: I ate the last cookie while you were in the shower.

BatCat!Bro: Oh, well in that case, Tim, I suggest you sleep with one eye open.

Jason: Y/n! What do I say about making threats we know we can’t keep?

BatCat!Bro: Oh, no Jason, I will keep it.

Jason: Hmm, you heard him, Tim, one eye open.

[thealtoduck]

*Bruce after letting BatCat!Bro and Jason have a dinner with investors because Bruce was sick*

Alfred recapping it the next day: This then led to a drinking contest…

Bruce: What?…

*Flashback*

BatCat!Bro: Last man standing is the winner.

Rich Dude: Challenge accepted.

*End of flashback*

Alfred: Which in turn led to a limerick contest.

Bruce: Limericks?

Alfred: Yes, sir. Some of them, I’m afraid to say a little off-color…

Bruce: Hmm? Well go on.

Alfred: Alright. The first one went a little like… ”There was a young woman from Delaware-”

*Flashback*

BatCat!Bro: -Who liked to make love… liked to make love…?

Jason enocouragingly: Delaware. Delaware…

BatCat!Bro: In her underwear. A terrible prude-

*End of flashback*

Alfred: ”-she would never go nude and her bum, hips and tits she would never bare.”

Bruce: What else?

Alfred: Mr Smith countered with ”There was a young man from Wisconsin, who was blessed with a an enormously large-”

*Flashback*

Rich Dude: -Johnson!…

*End of flashback*

Bruce: Where’s the rest of it?

Alfred: I believe everyone thought that was long enough… as it were.

Bruce: Any more?

Alfred: Master Y/n won the evening with this one… ”There was a young lady from Dallas who used a dynamite stick as a phallus-”

*Flashback*

BatCat!Bro: ”-They found her-”

*End of flashback*

Alfred: …

Bruce: You’ve made it this far…

Alfred: …”They found her vagina in North Carolina-”

*Flashback*

BatCat!Bro: ”-and her asshole in Buckingham Palace!”

*End of flashback*

Bruce: Bravo…

[thealtoduck]

Some BatCat!Bro Incorrect Quotes

——

*Telling an interviewer about the photoshoot he’s doing*

BatCat!Bro: We are shooting a cover story celebrating the rich and inspiring history of one of the most enduring style icons of all time…

BatCat!Bro: Me, Y/n Kyle.

Source: Victoria Beckham

——

BatCat!Bro: My mom gave me a pink gun… sooo… there’s A LOT there…

Source: SNL

——

*Infront of Bruce*

BatCat!Bro with Damian (forcibly) in a hug: Look at my little pride and joy…

*Bruce leaves*

*BatCat!Bro releases Damian*

BatCat!Bro: Now get the hell out of here.

BatCat!Bro: Can somebody come get this baby?… Hello?!… I’m a fucking mogul!

Source: Chase Icon

——

*When BatCat!Bro was forced on a mission and got captured by the Penguin and tied to a chair to be interogated*

BatCat!Bro: No, well I didn’t really want to be here. So, I was made to be here. So… obviously I’m just like wanting to get this over with and get on with my life. This is a big inconvenience for me.

Source: Naomi Campbell

——

*Dick helping BatCat!Bro with homework*

BatCat!Bro: King Arthur came a lot, didn’t he?

Dick: …I-I think you mean that he’s associated with the court of Camelot.

BatCat!Bro: No, it definetely says… *checks his notes* ”King Arthur came a lot”…

Dick: Camelot.

BatCat!Bro: Camelot?

Dick: Yeah, it’s his court. Where he held court. It’s-it’s a place.

BatCat!Bro: Oh, right… But do we know if he came a lot? Or like, just the same as an average man. Like, about a tablespoon.

Dick: The only evidence I have in that regard is that he is said to have had one child.

BatCat!Bro: Right. So, probably not.

Dick: Probably not.

Source: Cunk On Britain

——

[thealtoduck]

*BatCat!Bro when pissed*

*In the morning during breakfast and BatCat!Bro enters the dining room silently* BatCat!Bro: Hi *waves to Stephanie* Good morning *waves to Dick* Good morning *waves to Damian* Good morning *waves to Cassandra* BatCat!Bro: *makes eye contact with Tim* Not you, you can choke.

[thealtoduck]

*Inspired by Katseye ”Debut” m/v*

*Batkids hanging on to each other from the flagpole of a rooftop*

*Typing noises*

Dick: What’s that?

Tim: Is someone typing?

BatCat!Bro: *On his phone texting*

Jason: *sees BatCat!Bro on his phone* Y/N! What the hell?!

BatCat!Bro, not paying attention: …What?

Tim: You’re TEXTING?! Now?!

BatCat!Bro, casually: …yeah *takes a cute selfie*

Damian: Really Kyle? Really?!

Dick: Y/n! Put your phone away!

BatCat!Bro, just as casually: …wait. *sends text*

Jason: *receives a text*

Jason reading the text: *brings out phone* ”Fuck you shithead”- Y/n?!

BatCat!Bro: *ignores him and puts away phone* Okay, I’m done now, how do we get out of here?

[thealtoduck]

Jason introducing BatCat!Bro to the Outlaws: This is my absolute galactic threat level menace of a brother, Y/n

[thealtoduck]

*When Bruce brings BatCat!Bro to a fancy gala in metropolis*

Lex: *makes backhanded remark at Bruce*

BatCat!Bro, in his most polite tone: Mr Luther, may I also say that I find you to be cocksucking, cum-guzzling, republican cunt. And I sleep better at night knowing that you’re NOT in the white house.

[thealtoduck]

BatCat!Bro: In my neighbourhood there was a saying ”Love is just around the corner”…

Dick: *smiles warmly* That’s such a nice way to think i’ll keep that with me *Gets up and leaves*

Damian: *Looks at BatCat!Bro suspiciously* What’s the catch?

BatCat!Bro: I come from a neighbourhood with a lot of prostitutes…