#bctomoscow

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Picture link for my Nursery class 2015

https://plus.google.com/u/0/photos/117821527365598466507/albums/6137516244448609409

Here is another link for a photo album my phone made on its own of a part of our trip to St,  Petes!

https://plus.google.com/u/0/117821527365598466507/posts/cN3mFnsGzmA

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Some things broke in February

I have had two breaks previous to this post;  On my February break I went to St.  Petersburg with Kelly, Johnny and Eric.  February has proven to be a very difficult month for me each year, a mixture of weather and past events provide a recipe for general uneasy feelings and heaviness.  Being aware of it this year was better but that didn’t lessen the imminent consequences of sharing too many small spaces with too many people too often.  The trip to St.  Petes, although visually stimulating was more emotionally and financially draining then ever.  I wish now I had heeded the initial sign that seemed to set the stage for what unfolded in this trip.  When I attempted to board the train I was the only one without my passport and we eventually bribed the women for me to get on which made life a lot more complicated.  I would have to call and find this same women on the way back and pay the same fee to ensure my return to Moscow. With my lack of Russian fluency and a few other factors, a lot of stress was added to the stay.  There were already other energetic discrepancies that I may have avoided if I had let the other three go without me and maybe go by myself on a later day.

Since St.  Petes is near the water it is colder and less conducive to walking around, the dampness is unpleasant and really hits your core.  We spent much of our trip hopping from cafe to restaurant, to museum and back to hostel.  The restaurants in Russia are something I will miss. The food is just so much more enjoyable; i am always satisfied and the composition of the dish often impresses me.  The atmosphere is another thing, I am so impressed with how other-worldly the restaurants we visited felt.  My favourite was the first place we ate in Petes, It was a Ukrainian restaurant and the best food on our trip. The restaurant had this huge amazing tree through the centre and a spiral wooden staircase to the top floor where the most ornate tables, shelves, bird cages, vases and traditional who knows whats were all about, it blew my mind.  Since taking this trip I have yet to see anything as beautiful architecturally and design wise(interior) as I have in the cafes and museums of St.  Petersburg.  The Hermitage Museum/Winter Palace was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen outside of nature.  I have never been so in awe.  Something so beyond my capacity to even imagine the amount of time and work and money it would have taken to create such a space of beauty..  We were there for 3 hours and it was not enough, they closed and I felt at loss for I could have stayed there for the whole day moving room to room.  Each room was a work of art on its own, without considering the actual art on display.  This experience made the whole trip worth-while for me.

I took the train back alone 6 days later because it was my turn to work Saturday Club(Kelly, Johnny and I rotate). I luckily found Anya(every other womens name here I swear to god. Our first day of work we had 4 assistants trying out all named Anya) and she got me on the train and hid me in her cabin.  She moved me twice, the second time I was very caught off guard. She woke me up at 2 and walked me hurriedly through about 10 train cars to the original one on my train-ticket. Her classic Soviet train garb and her gold tooth and the mix of being tossed about the train as we made our way through the cars made for an interesting experience. She wasn’t super friendly and had the classic seemingly heartless way of acknowledging my existence.  In some odd way I feel at home when I am treated in this manner because I feel akin to this type of behaviour and I refreshed that I can see something for what is it. Her way of being toward me was nothing personal and I would be silly to make it about me. It makes me think of my Baba stadia T who appeared(to me as a very shy and sensitive child) to be a very tough and cold women but was rightfully so through a lifetime of being married to a gambolling alcoholic who wasn't able to support their family of 5 children. She would walk to Thrums from Goosecreek to pick strawberries each day to support the family and endured many beatings. I can understand the reserve and mistrust in the people of Russia and for good reason considering the instability and hardship they have lived through themselves. Something I have gained for myself here is the comfort in being as I am without guilt or the need to explain or neither require assurance from another. Im not certain weather i would have felt this way in Canada but something really allows me to feel ok. I am as I am, you are as you are..and thats fine and easier then guessing at or attempting to appease another..as though its considerate when its really just a bunch of frivolous crap. As for the title of this post, I would say a few things broke in February that have since set me free of unhealthy habits.  The way I was relating to the people closest to me in proximity and in relationship has taken a positive turn.  As example Kelly and I living so closely for the past year or so has really been like living with myself.  Yes we are two very different sisters but we are sisters after all and its been a very eye opening experience learning to live and love someone who reflects at times the worst and best parts of myself back at me.  By learning to love her as she is I am in turn doing the same towards myself because we share many of the same idiosyncrasies from growing up in the same home environment, one that shaped a bit of a skewed sense of what life “should” look like.  I think the frame-work for disfunction has taken to a lovely pile of fresh soil awaiting the seeds that we now chose to plant. In the past few weeks we have ventured into Moscow Clubs to get a different perspective of the city.  We have been mostly sober while living here so we aren’t very into nightlife in this way but we figured we should check it out.  The venues are far more impressive and inviting in size and vibe.  I feel like the space around me is respected and I haven’t had any bad experiences as I have in Vancouver like being walked all over as though I am not a person in a crowd who deserves to be walked around and not completely mowed over.  It seems a lot more relaxed here and I felt surprisingly grounded in company of so many people.  The metro on the other hand can be the opposite and can get me furious if I ride in a grumpy mood.  I will really miss the metro though, each station has its own flavour of marble decor, paintings and angles, its truly enjoyable to just ride and check out new stations, there are so many!

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Part 1

Its been way too long since my last update.  In between blogposts so many things have happened that I cannot keep up with.  I will do my best to give the most interesting account of what trails I have sniffed out and where I have come to.

I just woke up with my left arm above my head and limp, an odd reminder that one day my whole body will join it in paralysis and I will no longer have control enough to move my entire body.  I am actually reminded of this too often.  I'm not certain if its this bed but I wake up constantly with my arms tingling or my neck kinked.  I dream more often then ever before since I have moved to Moscow and a large portion dream paralysis and lucid dreams.  These dreams initially started after Shambhala in 2010.  I continue to learn to be aware in these dreams to take advantage of them but somehow they still continue to catch me off guard and I am over come with an intense fear that I cannot escape something that freezes me and holds me to such a state.

A rant of sorts...I may refer to these dreams in a bit.

So I went to Sri Lanka for my holiday.  I flew to Colombo Sri Lanka Via Sharjah UA.  It was sort of ironic that on both flights on my way to vacation I had a small child sitting directly behind me kicking my seat and making noise the entire way, as though I don't exercise a great amount of patience on a daily basis already.

I was on my way to meet my friend from Canada who had rented an apartment near our Yoga shala and 5mn walk to the beach.  It indeed was a dream situation but little did I know It wouldn't be all smooth sailing as I'd hoped it would be to get from the airport to Mihiripenna where I was to stay for 2 weeks.  I was under the impression that English was spoken more fluently and my tuk-tuk driver really appeared to understand me.  Well I arrive at a train station in butt-fuck nowhere pardon my french.  Its 4am and I am the only white person in sight the 3 hours I sit on a bench waiting for the 4hr train to Galle(pronounced 'Gole,' nearest city to my location)  The train arrives and doesn't stop more then 2mn for me to attempt to wrestle myself and my large backpack through the locals literally hanging off the sides of the train as though this ride was worth the risk of their life.  

At this point I realize I must either bus back to Colombo to catch a different bus or wait another 3 hours for the next possibly jam-packed train which I will never step foot on.  So I take the bus back to Colombo.  Not a person who I attempt to speak to can understand a word of English.  By this time I hadn't slept for 24 hrs, I was starving and had to pee so bad it hurt.  I was on edge as every single person stared at me as I attempted to eat fish curry I had bought at a stand nearby.  I managed to get some curry in me while feeling like a spectacle.  I really enjoyed the people watching though and Im sure I was interesting to them..they were all wearing saris or suits, meanwhile Im wearing a blue shirt with a cat wearing a monocle  and jean shorts..at this point Im wishing I would have thought my wardrobe though a bit more.

So after disrespectfully sitting in the front seat of the bus facing whatever Indian god was displayed at the front and realizing the bus driver and his helper were probably a bit baffled at my stupidity..didn't let me pay for my ride.  I'm still not sure why lol, maybe they realized how lost I was and felt bad for me.  A very friendly woman helps me find a bus to Mihiripenna at Colombo station and send me off with a kiss and a "god bless you."  The following comment would have been confusing if I hadn't had a very informative conversation with a man at the train station who informed me that Buddhism and Christianity were the main religions in Sri Lanka.  He said the North is known as "Little England"which I could understand considering his fluency in the language.

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Love Belch

I am feeling so full right now, I just ate a huge helping of fried potatoes with so much garlic and my new favourite salad, spinach and arugula with roasted almonds, raisins, cucumber and a little bit of mayo and apple cider vinegar.  Not only am I full physically but in my heart too.  I noticed in the past couple weeks how much I think about the kids I teach after school, how much I miss them.  This feeling reminds me of how I felt growing up around my cats or when we got Brody.  I swear we had at least 2 batches of kittens a year for so long(country living!) I couldn't wait to get home, excitement would swell inside me knowing I would soon lay my eyes and hands on their fresh little coats.  What a beautiful feeling.

So I come home and little tidbits through the day play over in my minds eye and I feel so in love with who they are and how they express it so innocently.  Something adorably obvious that is standing out is who likes who.  Alex goes home and tells his mom he wants to kiss Sofya but instead ends up biting her.  Daniel blatantly follows Vika around and wants to be near her, scootering around her during outside time to which she seems oblivious.  Vika is the most reticent and emotionally unavailable girl in class.  This is her second year here and she is severely attached to her mother.  Theres a whole process she has been through to be able to attend school so normally(long story)  She loves school now though but she is very clearly attached and withdrawn in a certain way.  Every kid in class seeks her company.  The funny thing is she doesn't express any opinion and rather copies exactly what the friend beside her says first.  She is certainly the most intelligent student in class, an artist already and appears to posses wisdom beyond her years.  I suppose I bring her up because she seems to be the sun that the kids are seeking out during this dark Moscow winter.

Alex is another character.  He's a complete brute and rough and tumble caveman of a boy.  He is very spoiled and is the hugest baby yet such a man at the same time.  It's awfully funny to see such a oaf be reduced to tears at the drop of a hat.  He is a huge challenge, the rebel of the classroom who won't sit still and shows everybody what they might get away with if they try hard enough.  I can honestly say I probably love this kid in a really intense way because of all the energy I have had to invested in him to learn how to deal with him on a daily basis which has resulted in a strong bond.  He seems to take care of me, affirming my role as teacher and making sure I know where to sit at circle time.   He is tough but I see only because he needs a lot of one on one attention and explaining.  His intellect is very impressive and now that he is expressing himself more in English he is at the top of the class.  Some people just really need to express themselves and he's one of them, he won't go unheard and I respect him for that.  I'm feeling so inspired to be taking care of a crowd like this, I can promote self acceptance from a young age and allow them to be who they are.  Each child needs their own set of guidelines, it would really kill his spirit if I didn't allow certain behavior from him..and the neat thing is that the more I relax and let him get away with certain things, the next minute he is following suit and telling other students how they need to behave.  To sum this up, Alex is the "bad boy" in class and I constantly hear all the girls asking where Alex is if he isn't around.  Girls liking bad boys has never been so obvious. 

Varvara today put a Barbie shoe up her nose.  She is usually one to be digging in her nose during circle time but this time she looked like she saw a ghost when she looked at me.  After Elnoora successfully removed the shoe she came back to circle time and I told all the kids about how I stuck a seed up my nose when I was sleeping at my Baba and Dyedas when I was 5 and how my sister Amy got her gum stuck up her nose while her and Kelly were playing our famous game Hide the Gum.

Waking up this morning was quite the challenge, I felt as though I had been mummified and was working my way out of a tight bondage HAHA.  I do my best to do yoga during my break at work but otherwise I get home and can hardly focus on studying a bit of Russian.  We are working hard practicing our play.  One more week of school and I will be trading in my fur-lined boots and down-jacket for shorts and a tank-top..what a crazy thought that seems at this moment.

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Today I took a walk in the woods by our apartment, within a few minutes I wrote a little song.  I also enjoyed observing the black woodpeckers with their vibrant red faces, they were hopping from tree to tree gawking back and forth about whatever they were up to.  I tried following them for awhile but they seemed a little miffed that I was up in their business.  I didn't step in any dog poo so that was a plus!

Dust

I could stare

In to your spaces where..lines unfold revealing pools of gold

Once we were living under ground

Tops of trees crowded all around

One last sigh

No more tears to cry

The sun she rose and told the sky

Lungs expand for reason why

Countless birds find currents and try

To sore awhile without time in mind

A long while past I held my tongue

Writhing words battle for some

To hear the song of what will soon pass

Conundrum hum to awake my son

He's been sleeping long to overcome

Stars that explode and leave him for none

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-Kalyeena and Alex come visit us in Moscow and we make them a Russian feast

-New friends at a housewarming flat party

-Gwyneth and I during outside time

-Our coworker Anthony and his new babe Rurick...and a random local woman at the Georgian restaurant we ate at(such good wine!) who was a sweetheart

-New student Tomechka

-Alex and Svyeta during dance class

-Alex insists on eating lunch with his shirt open and he kind of looks drunk I'd say

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Soon

Only two more weeks until my three week Christmas vacation, I can't believe it.  This means the Christmas concert is approaching and it has taken priority over everything.  This is a big event because it is what these parents pay for..to see their children on stage and speaking english.  Honestly it's a little out of hand with how much pressure is behind it all, we are dealing with preschoolers not high schoolers and the irritation levels and veins popping out of everyones foreheads are a bit over the top.  These parents are so proud, ordering special costumes for what character they will be and what not.  What happened to just learning a few songs and walking on stage together, maybe one kid will sing too loud and another may pick his nose and eat it and we will all laugh and go home.  No this is far more serious than that.

The odd part of this all is that it isn't organized and thought out.  Us three inexperienced teachers are supposed to just be play-writes as well and somehow create broadway for preschoolers.   Its all very comical but also just nuts.  Our school has its own dance teacher named Lena.  She is great but a bit intense especially the first time I watched her teaching my kids.  I had to step in and tell her to relax for how hard she was pressuring my students.  Even the most mature and responsive ones can't seem to hold their attention on dancing the whole time, completely understandable.  Its adorable non the less and Im very much looking forward to seeing what unfolds on stage the day they perform.  It's far more amusing when the kids do unexpected and natural things.

I have another two new students in my class this past week.  One is not even 2.5 years, the other is 3.  It been harder due to the fact that all the progress we have made in the past three months with our 8 kids is brought back in trying to teach the new ones the norms of the classroom.  They are not disciplined at home so its been interesting and exhausting.  Toma is the baby and she is afraid of me because I don't speak Russian to her.  Her mom asked today if any of my students stay until 5pm to which I said no only 3.  She was thinking of having her stay later.  I can't help but feel like this is so strange.  Why send your baby off with strangers when she is crying for you..and until 5?  She has been crying on and off for days because she is simply a baby and wants her mother.  Her mom said she needs more time for herself whatever that means, maybe her career.  I guess this is revealing my own values, that I place huge importance of being with your children.

People handing their babies off to nannies out here is very common.  If ever a kid asks for a parent figure it is always their nanny.  I just find this so strange because I did not grow up around this idea.  I personally can't imagine being ok with having another woman be the desired comfort for my child.  lots of the kids in my class are 3, the most hilarious age I'd say.  I can't believe the things I get witness on a daily basis, my heart feels like its spilling over with love and I have never laughed so hard every day.  Yes it is tiring and once in a while I feel like I'd rather be doing something else but this job is strengthening my patience and keeping the child inside me alive.

I guess what I am saying is I don't want to miss out on so much of my own child/childrens hilarious and adorable moments..they are just too good to be true and they grow so fast!  We all have our own ideas though, not to say mine are correct.

I have been dreaming of home, the mountains and the creek by my house more so.  I don't get enough nature here, it's dark when I leave and come back and its unsafe for me to go through the forrest so late.  I know June isn't too far off and it's good to have something to look forward to.  I plan to go to Sri Lanka for my holidays if all works out.  I am going to go do yoga and lay on the beach, I. am. so. excited.

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I have episodes where I wish to share something interesting that happens..and then I am in the middle of Moscow and by the time I arrive home I am exhausted.

I went to London for a week to see Kalyeena and Alex.  It was so great there, the food was so so good.  Gluten free options all around, I ate mandarine chocolate loaf everyday...I bet the people at that cafe thought I was a glutton.  Over all I was very intrigued by the unique mix of culture there including a Hasidic Jewish one that is the largest in all of Europe.  I thoroughly enjoyed people watching and feeling out the city.  

I realize now more then ever how much I don't enjoy the hassle of travelling when I only have a week to really relax and take in a place.  I had bigger plans for myself for London but decided instead my time would be better spent getting to know a small area of the city and spending quality time with Kalyeena.  We went for a long beautiful walk along the canal, went to a couple pubs, got my haircut by a turkish man who was probably in his 70's.  His shirt was half undone and sloppy and he looked very unimpressed.  It was only 20pounds though compared to the usual 50 everywhere else.  Yes I'm not interested in paying to have my hair trimmed.  He tried to charge me another 10 for blowdrying which I found odd.

Over all I spent at least double what I hoped to but I was pleased.  We went to a lovely Sunday market.  On Saturday we partied a little too hard and I ended up taking a bus the wrong way for an hr hahahha.  It was so perfect though, I got to see the most scenic parts of London by accident and I always enjoy getting lost.  It helps me slow down and just realize it's really not a problem, it only causes you to speak to strangers and have an interesting time.  I think I was just so relaxed and ok with everything cause I could communicate with anyone around me no problem compared to Moscow.

When I returned home I was so eager to keep absorbing the language around me.  I feel slightly addicted to it and I like this feeling because I know it means I am learning and will continue to improve.

Since my last post I have made a real effort to get out into the city and meet people.  I have gone to flat-party of some expats and locals.  I have been keeping far away from liquor since we first arrived but the past Saturday I decided to have a few.  I suddenly realized how much Russian I knew because I guess the inhibition really helped me spew what I knew.  I definitely need to overcome my insecurity with making mistakes while I speak, it stops me from doing so all together.

There is a new boy Meesha in my class.  He knows no english so it has been helpful for me to learn Russian as well because I have to say what I know in both english and russian so he gets the picture.  He is so hilarious, when I ask him to repeat in english he tells me longwindedly and very politely in russian that he is a small boy but will soon grow big and speak well.

Its really a shame sometimes, I wish I could understand all the things the kids say to me.  At times they really go off telling me stories.

I have had a couple experiences with local Moscovites with whom I was going to exchange language with.  I have felt suffocated and pressured when I get involved with making plans with the two of them.  I met quite a geeky and harmless seeming guy at a language exchange event.  I was happy to meet up with him since we both knew about the same amount of each others language.  I now regret that because he called me 3 times before I was done work the next day, txt messaged me as well as emailed me...and then called again today..arg.  I can't hand people who do this.  The day before he called twice and wrote me an email saying he missed me?  One of the rare times I give someone that benefit of the doubt it turns in such a way.

Another girl who I actually like also approached plans this way.  She would call me several times long before I had planned to return her call.  Both her and the previous guy wouldn't listen to me when I said "No I can't do that."  They would demand that I do, or just pretend they didn't hear me and call me back acting like we made plans.  I'm certain it wasn't language confusion, just cultural I'm guessing, either way it is very much a turn off for me.

The christmas concert is underway and its a huge deal for the kids and families we teach.  I can't wait until its over, way too much impressing to be done and perfection to be perfected..bleh.

Three weeks off starting Dec.20th.  My plans to go to India seem to be long faded.  I am now considering Berlin.  Day by day.  I am very much missing my bike and feeling sad about how fast Arthur and all the kids in our family are sprouting.  Although I am witnessing wonderful children grow over here, nothing beats how beautiful children in my own family are to me.