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Hipster Beard (the hope)…or Dungeons and Dragons Beard (the reality)...

Dating is hard but lets be clear, online dating is grim. Period-no exclamation point. I’ve been traveling the pot-filled [manhole sunken] road of online dating…and recently I’ve been noticing a trend… “Oh ask her about her latest date,” … “She has the best horrible date stories…” or my true favorite was at book club… We were going around doing introductions and sharing something unique about ourselves. When it was my turn, my dear friend cries “oh Tinder! She has the best horrible Tinder date stories!” Let’s be real, doesn’t every woman, want to be known for that? (input sad and exasperated emoji here).

While sitting on the beach this past weekend regaling the tale of my latest date escapade with cold beer in hand and the hot sun on my face…one of my friends says, “you should start a blog, you definitely have enough material.” So alas, here it is…The Dungeons and Dragons of Dating… :)

And lets be real, you know you do have enough material when the fellas you work with say, “Hey! Who’s the latest creeper and want us to handle him?” (yeeeaaaa I’m lucky in the area of I have a lot of male co-workers who love my stories and have my back. (I know what you’re thinking… why be on Tinder when there are so many men around. That is a story for another blog at another time;).

Online dating is hard! Horrible! Horrific! There are more failures than successes…and let’s be real, there are a lot of needy, weird, creepers out there! So this blog goes out to my friends whom have endured every horrible story or allowed themselves to be my escape clause…or perhaps because you too are single and in your 30s and treading through the thin slimy muck that is online dating in New York City….

Todays post is…hipster beard (the hope) = dungeons and dragons (the reality).

Let’s be real. Many a man can elude his true self by the angle or the way he posts, edits, or crops his photos…so you know, guy with cool hat and nice beard…may or many not be as suggested in your your short banter about his oatmeal and your run (yay me) on a beautiful sunday morning… I mean let’s be real….a man with a well kept beard, is pretty. damn. sexy.

My thoughts? Hot hipster? Score! The sad reality … Dungeons and Dragons, the hidden treasure of every story you didn’t really pay attention to in high school…

It was that kind of date where you walk up to the guy and think, “Oh my gosh, is that him? It is him! Wow, he doesn’t look like his picture…well maybe slightly like his picture, but wow those photos were good. Is that a trench coat? Oh crap, he’s spotted me. Ok smile-you can do this…just one beer, you only have to make it through one beer, maybe I’ll need two beers… He had BETTER be paying for those beers…”

And thus begins the longest 1.5 hours of your week…I’d say life, but hey you need to get back out there, so you set up another Tinder date for the following week and to your dismay…there goes another 1.5 hours of your life you’ll never get back….but I digress, back to the current date at hand…

So you smile, you use all of your social skills, to ask ongoing questions to deflect any attention away from yourself…

Me: So what’s your favorite kind of food? (I’m thinking Indian, Greek, Burmese)…

Him: Chicken.

Me: Chicken?? (Thats not what I meant, but please, lets draw out this answer, just trying to make it through my beer(s).)

Him: Yeah, I really just love a good chicken breast…

Me: What about Italian?

Him: I just really love chicken (I think he missed the whole point of my question…)

And not only does he eat it a lot, but only most daily. He then digresses into his full daily food routine, oatmeal for breakfast, if he’s going crazy he might put a little something in there, I mean we’re talking boring plain oatmeal, not steel cut with walnuts, chia, and cardamom. There theres boiled chicken for lunch and yes, chicken and broccoli for dinner-as directed by his nutritionist. I know what your next thought is…ah, maybe he’s body building and trying to reduce to some amazing minimal body muscle mass, he’s gotta be super chiseled right??? WRONG….nope…not so much. (Not that being chiseled matters…but nobody wants to hear how their date barely eats anything other than oatmeal and boiled chicken every day because he nutritionist has prescribed it-and then talks about how he’s trying to lose weight. Hmmm…awkward.

Me: So what do you do in your free time? Do you have any fun hobbies you enjoy? (There I go again, damn, I’m good and making great small talk…)

Somehow I’m sitting there, trying to track what he’s saying…he doesn’t really have friends…he just kind of hangs out at home, and reads books. Oh I like books, I slip in a “what kind?”…they’re books I’ve never heard of, and still there’s no mention of friends, he works from home, he works for his father, he’s trying to get out more and be more social, he doesn’t really hang out much, or isn’t that social, which is why he’s on Tinder (hmm note to self: contemplate the social perceptions of Tinder later…) I find myself just nodding my head trying to keep up with our meaningless conversation and then suddenly…

“Oh gee your beautiful, this lighting is just amazing the way it hits your face. We should take a picture, for your Tinder profile, I mean you’re attractive, more attractive than your photos” (hmmm what does that mean exactly?)…”I can take a picture of you if you’d like, gosh your beautiful…I really hope we go out again…” Check Please!

I mean in some weird world is my awkward head bobbing with my arms folded defensively across my chest suggest, I’m into you, go ahead, make your verbal move????

…and so the night drags on, and this dark and long bearded non-delectabe man is affectionately entitled “the dungeons and dragons date”…as the whole night was a little dim and shoddy (literally the bar was pretty dimly lit). Finally you make it to the end of the date…aaaand he wants to grab dinner.

But you pull out your already planned statement of “Goodness is it 6:30 already? (yes 6:30, get in-get out) “I have to meet my BFF for dinner,…” and you gracefully exist the dimly lit bar and calculate how soon is too soon to unmatch him on Tinder…

All the way to the subway I contemplate was there a way to dodge out of that date sooner…but alas, I make it to the train, put on my headphones and take a deep breath saying, well, at least you got out there…ulgh the words that echo in my head because that’s all anyone ever has to say to me as I relate the tale(s) of the evening(s) I wish I could forget… “Well, at least you got out there…”

#dating #tinder #bearded hipster