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#back into a 'feeling real fucking low' moment in life jfc #i feel so.... unfit to be a human being #like this shit is so sisiphean and hard #the struggle never stops and i'm not even doing the bare minimum and it's already too hard #really makes me want to lie down and cry #i wish i could stop existing for a while like #i don't want to die but i also don't want to do anything #i know i should prob try to find some form of therapy or sth but :)#executive dysfunction has had me by the throat for the past 10 years of my life lmao #we keep on trying to push this rock despite the stumbles i guess #at the very least #beary ramble #beary talk

Feeling bits and pieces of Lana & Rena's story fall into place these past weeks/months since I've started to re-think about them is so satisfying.... I really wanna find something better than the first/old version of their dynamic ! (I don't blame young me, I didn't know any better back then haha) There's still a lot of weird spots and events & changes to figure out (especially their order of arrival) but it's so so fun thinking about them again aaaaa, I missed my messy girls so much

Finally took the time to book my travels to go visit a friend in Sweden and stay there for a while ;;;;; Gonna do my best to try to disconnect from most things and change my mind to try to rest and revitalize 🙏 Really need a change of pace and to Not Think About Work and also being a space where my executive dysfunction won't be a problem for a while so I can Not Think About It 😌

#my friend to me there's mooses (meese ?) over there... im so excited #i really hope i'll get to see some #love me some megafauna #i shall bring.... a picture camera and a sketchbook and that's pretty much it lmao #if you wanna reach me it shall be by smoke signal tyvm #beary life #beary ramble #beary talk

For the first time in like close to a year I???? cooked and even baked this weekend????? I still don't really enjoy the process of it all (I think I never will, especially alone & for myself) but it still feels nice to eat something a bit more "cared for" than my usual stuff...

#i just made some chili bc 1) i love it and 2) i love “put everything in a pot” kind of cooking #and some banana bread bc.... I had two poor dying bananas left from market shopping last week...#which is ALSO a big thing like I hadn't gone to the market in two months or sth...#very very small victories but victories nonetheless #FUCK EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION HOLY FUCKING SHIT #beary ramble #beary talk #beary life

Nowadays trying really fucking hard to teach to my brain that it's okay and better to "just do 10 min of this task" even if it means leaving it unfinished (but further along than before!) rather than not doing it "because when I do it I should do it all" Because jfc I can't keep leaving my house in states where I need to do 30+ minutes of dishes instead of just... doing a little everyday and at least it remains a manageable amount in the sink even if it's not always emptied...

#it's hard but i'm doing my best #im using housekeep chores as an example bc it's an easy one but really this is for everything in my life rn #better draw 10 minutes than none at all #better practise for my driving license 10 minutes than none at all #because I VERY rarely actually get the cross of energy AND motivation to do “a whole task”#rn my brain hates not doing a whole task but i'm sure with practise it'll become easier to feel rewarded for doing just a bit #at least future me thanks me every fucking time so yknow #i just have to practise enough so it doesn't feel like i'm forcing myself everytime #bc starting is always the hardest part #and even if i stop AT LEAST I DID 10 MINUTES OF THE THING SO IT'S NOT STAGNATING HOLY SHIT #i wish i was a functioning human :)#or at least a functioning artist that enjoyed drawing for 4 hours straight after work lmao #beary talk #beary ramble #beary life

I remember seeing a tweet where someone was asking "If one of your DnD OC could meet and/or travel with Bell's Hells, how would it be ?" And I've been obsessively thinking about Qalaari or Spriggan or Rena & Lana or Latù meeting them....

#beary ramble #beary talk #text post #critical role #cr3 #bells hells #bell's hells #bh #zellk #ocs #lemme come back to that during work break to develop a little #dnd #ttrpg #dnd 5e #dnd oc #dnd ocs

It’s a little thing but recently I got to meet up again with a friend that has a few common points with me in term of thinking process etc... and in the midst of a discussion we landed on the subject of gender identity (and all that mess) and I thanks to them I finally landed on why sometimes I feel like a girl, and sometimes like ‘not-a-girl’. We both define our identities depending on our surroundings / depending on dynamics. Depending on the situations and who I’m talking to or thinking about, I’ll feel vehemently like a woman, or nothing like one mkfdjhgsmk I think that’s why I sometimes struggle with defining my sexual & romantic attractions, because I don’t account my ‘identity’ in it. And I don’t care about most people perceive me and address to me. But at the same time I will always be my dad’s “daughter”, yknow ???? ? ? Identity is such a slippery plate of spaghetti i swear to god

#beary talk #beary ramble #text #text post

Day 371 of the butch/futch struggle : when you find a rly fucking cool leather jacket at the thrift store and it fits perfectly at the shoulders but ofc it’s a masculine cut so no chance in hell you’re gonna be able to close it bc of your wide hips....

#i still bought it bc i mean #it's so rare for me to find a jacket that fits so nicely on my shoulders sobs #weird hourglass shape struggles i guess #every body type has their own struggles o|-<#beary talk #beary ramble

#beary ramble

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