Incessant Stirrings...
It's eerily tedious.
When you find yourself thrown in the same wheel of motion- but this time, you're even further below than where you thought you couldn't sink any deeper. It's a mystery how much torment and heartbreak your feeble little heart can go through, not that it's alone in this endeavor... just that its companion- your mind- seems like it wants to just unclutch every sane thought that's keeping you together. "Beer and chicken," they echo. Not one without the other. Also, the last memory you really want to remember.
Like a tornado, they swooped in, round and round, wreaked havoc without remorse, stayed long enough to uproot what you thought was planted deep, uncovered truths that you thought you knew but didn't - plans, changes, compromise. Made you believe that in the storm, there was a safe haven- lies.
And just like the devastation, held you impotent to escape, holding on to dear life, regardless of the damage you were doing to your hands, your feet, your sanity... you.
Then, it was all gone. Done. You're alone.
Nursing quite an uncouth burning in your chest, tears just almost ready to fall any given moment, a stomach that couldn't hold anything down - save for a few sips of precious water that scorched your throat, a head leaden with the what felt to be the anvil of anguish, you let it all crash in. You rode that turbulence like you were speeding down Route 66- unabashed, unhinged, unseeing, most importantly barely breathing.
'Coz how could you breathe? Everything you held so dear was ripped from your grasping hands. Everything you believed in turned into the biggest falsity. Every second you lived for the last 3 years was just an adamant waste. Thrown away without a second glance. "Stop it, we're done," echoed shrilly in your thoughts, "This isn't love anymore... I'm not in love with you..."
And, you caved. Broke down. Crumpled on the floor, tears staining the cool tile beneath your head. You thought to yourself, "Hey, I've been here before... back again?"
Weeks go by, and you trudged, carrying the burden that only you seemed to bear. You saw them out and about, living the 'best' their lives can offer. And you were somewhere, stuck in the limbo of yearning and bitterness.
Tying down every stray lock you could find, gathering your wits, showing them how much you can live without them (even if it's the lie you chose to portray- to them and yourself), being 'mature' about it all, you survived... really? Day by day, you kept going, only the cover of night really knew the saltiness of the tears, the lung-breaking sobs, the pounding of memories you wished you could eradicate, the agonizing thrum of your heart. But you knew.
"Stop it... we're done."
The highs plateaued into just a nagging drone of emotion. You breathed enough, drank enough, barely ate, but the feelings were dulling- like a scab formed over the jagged hole left by the break-up. You resigned yourself to just surviving, just existing. Not really here, but not really there either. Heart and mind at a standstill. You were beginning to be monotonously fine... you were just... alive.
Then, a radiant incandescent light walks in through the cool glass doors of your office floor. Time speeds up, slows down, stops.
Unmistakable stirrings rumbled within a heart you thought was too far gone to recover- the scene, from a movie. Never mind that your friends were trying to grab your attention, never mind that there weren't any flood lights, never mind that there wasn't any background music, no sound effects, no stage. 'Coz all you could see, hear, feel, scent, taste, was the illumination radiating from the someone who just walked in through the door- piercing the veil.
It felt like the murky, cold darkness you had grown to adore for the past few weeks, shriveled almost instantly. The cacophony of misery, sadness, depression, angst, pretense, and punishment bled away. You could feel it- slipping from your fingers, palpably calming. This time, you just let go...
Did you reckon for this to happen? Did you wish for the light to come and chase the darkness away when it did? Did you feel the guilt over letting the rays elucidate your path back to healing?
No.
Your heart beats again- stubbornly, painfully at first, but stronger as the days progress, your mind unfolds.
It was the strangest serenity you'd ever felt. It still is...
The familiar incessant stirring that you'd felt before. The feeling of a freedom and a captivity that you're well aquainted with. The light, standing in front of you, beaming with warmth, comfort, and the promise of the unknown.
You're certain, you wouldn't dare to have it any other way...