For all the heroes who are monsters at home...
Thinking of all the heroes who are monsters at home…and all the ways in which abuse pervades our movement. How at both an individual and community level we may be knowingly and unknowingly empowering and enabling abusers, giving them the limelight and further condemning someone in their homes or in their communities to a pattern of controlling behavior that is antithetical to the freedom we say we want. Here are some warning signs that your community/group/movement leader may be abusive:
(The first 7 signs are adapted from: http://www.thestreet.com/story/12693866/4/7-signs-you-are-a-victim-of-workplace-bullying.html)
1) they knowingly exclude, isolate or ignore other people and prevent them from fully participating in the group. This might include hazing, asking people to prove their loyalty, intentionally barring democratic process and ignoring valuable skills you might have. It might involve not telling you about meetings or planning secret meetings or activities without you.
2) they discount and minimize your or others’ contribution to the group making you feel useless or underutilized. They may assign demeaning or meaningless tasks. This could involve stealing your ideas, saying you aren’t ready to lead, emphasizing your lack of skill or experience etc.
3) they create hostility or unnecessary competition between group members and between other groups and may cultivate a hostile team/movement environment. This could include spreading rumors about other group members or groups you are interested in, pitting you against other members etc.
4) they make you feel ashamed, guilty, or just not good enough. This might include shaming you for your identity as a member of a group that holds societal privilege or for the neighborhood you live in or work you do. It may start as light joking but you might notice it is consistent, targeted and becomes more mean over time.
5) always blaming others for problems but taking credit when things go well. This might look like them appointing themselves or their goons as permanent spokespersons for the group regardless of who did the work. They may also take on the role of perpetual victim in movement squabbles implying that all other groups are inherently problematic while they have no responsibility for conflicts or misunderstandings.
6) they lie, deceive or mislead people especially using key, powerful movement language that makes it hard to refute their claims or that shuts down debate or conversation.
7) they manipulate members’ roles and activities by limiting access to funds, changing titles or functions without consultation (including their own), removing responsibilities without warning, kicking people out of the group unilaterally or creating a process to force someone to leave. It may also include blocking access to key contacts and comrades in other groups or at national levels and acting as a gatekeeper.
8) actually calling you names in private or in public, treating you like a pet or child without your permission, or joking or teasing about private things in public without your permission, and sharing your secrets with other members or humiliating you at meetings.
9) always trying to control or be on top of actions taken by other groups or organizations. This may include trying to organize people who show initiative so that they and their group are the only visible face of the movement (movements have many groups and structures, not just one) and putting down the work of other groups when they don’t fall in line behind them. They may try to sabotage other groups or other activities group members may be involved in. They may be unsupportive or may ridicule your involvement.
10) withholding information about how decisions are made or how you attain certain responsibilities. Hand picking their favorite people to take on visible roles without regard to skills or experience.
11) shutting down debates or attempts to hold them accountable including transparent, periodic evaluations of their leadership
12) making unilateral decisions that make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable regardless of the opinions of other group members and employing no formal decision-making mechanisms.
13) you feel fear, confusion, and/or anxiety when they enter the room or their name is mentioned or when they speak or interact with you or others. This may feel like breathlessness, stomach pain or discomfort, cold sweat, heart racing and adrenaline rush. You may be carefully watching your words or actions so as not to annoy them.
14) you feel unable to confront them or ask questions about their process or address important group issues.
15) you feel as though you have to get on their good side to avoid being the target of their outbursts, criticism, or rejection. You may notice they direct these behaviors to others but not yourself and that makes you feel relieved.
16) you feel afraid of leaving the group for fear of being slandered, having some secret exposed or losing the support of all group members even if you are leaving without any conflict. This may be a perceived, implied or explicit threat. They may imply that you will not be successful or welcomed elsewhere.
17) they may use emotional blackmail to bind you to their side and to always support their point of view or avoid critiquing their leadership. They may say that they cannot lead without you or may excessively ‘need’ support or physical affection, using the premise of love to veil other problematic behavior.
18) you feel like you are staying involved because you don’t want to be ostracized or feel like there is no other way to be involved in the movement.
19) you feel as though you must be wrong about your instincts related to their abuse and try to dismiss the thoughts.
20) you feel as though it is going to change or get better over time and that they are just suffering from the stress of being a movement leader.
21) at first you feel like their behavior is erratic and this causes anxiety. Over time you may notice a pattern or cycle and may be able to predict when the will become angry or abusive. You work to cope with that cycle or arrange things in order to prevent the behavior from flaring up. You find yourself making plans and tactics to manage their emotions or behavior.
None of these signs alone in and of themselves constitute abuse per Se but they do raise flags. Abuse is a pattern of behavior intended to control people with whom there is a (personal, public, political or movement) relationship. Many abusers are given free reign within the movement to control, put down, threaten and hurt others in the movement. If you feel like your leaders are controlling you or your colleagues don’t second guess yourself. Find a trusted person who can help you talk through what you’re experiencing or witnessing.
No one deserves to be abused. It is not the price we pay for getting involved in this work. We should all be able to freely and voluntarily engage in the movement without fear of being controlled or abused by our leaders. We should feel able to maintain the boundaries necessary to feel as healthy as possible within our movement organizations while striving to create communities that prefigure the world we envision.
The author, Aisha Shillingford, is a longtime community organizer, activist, facilitator, artist, and movement strategist. She worked for eight years within the domestic violence movement.
