the state of mind in which someone acts against their better judgement through weakness of will.
enduring, she said. enduring was the word that described her relationship with calum. ever since calum had met her in his first day of school, and she split her peanut butter sandwich with him because her older brother was teasing him during lunch break, they had endured quite a lot together and only come out stronger as friends. truly, best friends.
inseparable, that was another word for them, especially as they grew up. throughout all of primary school, they were attached at the hip, and attached by the ankle during robbie wilkinson’s birthday party during the three-legged race. robbie laughed at calum for being the only boy to run with a girl, until she and calum won. she’d always save him the spot next to her on the bus, no matter how bad she wanted the love of her life, max detterming, to sit next to her. but calum would never disappoint, bringing his headphones for them to listen to music with, and an extra pack of gum so they could blow bubbles together before school even started.
at the time, calum preferred the word ‘connected’. with her, he never felt so understood. it was like there was a wire running between the two of their brains, because he knew exactly what she was feeling even when she wouldn’t say (like how she said it was fine if calum ate with michael during lunch, but calum knew that she didn’t mean it and sat with her anyway), and she always seemed to know exactly was he was thinking, and would say it so that he didn’t always have to. she was always outspoken, and he liked to be quieter, so when kids made fun of his lisp in third grade, she knew exactly what to say to get them to shut up for good (”hey, robbie, if i knock your front teeth out, you’ll have a lisp too, jerk”).
‘surviving’ might have been the best term as the duo entered their preteen years. because while calum stayed scrawny, she was getting a lot of attention from boys suddenly. she thought she was over max years ago, but boy oh boy, when he came up to her after school and asked if she wanted a ride home on the handlebars of his bike, she couldn’t say no. calum got on the bus alone that day, and while he didn’t know it yet, the best word to describe him then was ‘sulking’.
as their final schooling year approached, the tides turned. calum filled out because of his love and talent for football, and growing a foot helped him out with the ladies as well. on the other hand, she had earned a false reputation because max lied after they broke up, saying that they’d had sex when all they’d ever done was kiss. calum knew the truth, but the damage had been done to everyone else by that time. she was branded the school slut, who didn’t deserve to be best friends with the golden boy. as hard as they tried, it was hard to stay close with the entire school trying to rip him away from her. even harder when calum dated lexi van plasse. lexi was one of the worst shamers in the school.
‘heartbroken’ described her best, then.
they found each other again the summer before university. calum was going to flinder’s university on a full athletic scholarship; she had gotten a guaranteed acceptance into her program due to her high test score. they ran into each other on orientation day, and caught up over coffee in the library after the presentation was over. calum and lexi had broken up by then, and she was dating a guy she had met at her job. although quite a lot had changed since the day of the peanut butter sandwich, they were able to talk as though nothing had. on move-in day, they discovered they were rooming in the same building, which left them both jubilant.
freshman year, they spent a good portion of time together, as much as two busy university students could. sharing an on-campus job in the rec center office helped that as well. they’d talk about classes and professors, roommates and RAs, and reminisce about all the times they’d shared and spent apart. calum got to meet her boyfriend, sam, a few times, and while he seemed perfectly nice, there was just something off about him to calum. or maybe it was something off about them. they just didn’t seem suitable for each other.
and over the next year, calum’s word became ‘concealing’. he didn’t like hiding things from her, he hated leaving any part of his life unshared from his best friend... but he knew if he didn’t, it would ruin everything. they had just become best friends again, and he wouldn’t lose her a second time, not over a silly little crush. that wasn’t silly or little or even a crush. it was far more than that, so much more that he had to call it a crush for fear of acting on his feelings. she was happy with sam, and that was that. he wanted her happy, and jeopardizing that and their friendship was unbearable. she was too important to lose, so he resigned himself, and convinced himself he was happy.
until the night she was in his dorm, laying up on his bunk while he tried to finish his essay on philia versus pragma vs eros at his desk. she was texting someone, probably sam, though calum tried not to think about that, and watching some crime drama on his tablet. she had shown up at his door ready for a night out, but once he told her about the essay, she quickly pulled on a t-shirt of his and some football shorts, completely fine with a night in. and he was getting along with the essay completely fine until he reached the part where he had to combine all three and compare them. (now might be the time to mention that philia means friendly love, pragma means practical love, and eros means passionate love). he had to name the point where they might intersect, and no matter what he typed, the only word he wanted to use was her name.
finally, he sighed, saying, “want to help me with something?”
“sure,” she replied, pausing the episode. “whatcha need?”
“i’m writing about--” he paused, deciding how to phrase it. “--kinds of relationships, and i was just wondering what word you’d use to describe us. like, our relationship.”
“damn, that’s loaded,” she responded with a little laugh. “um... uh... any word? can i use a phrase?”
“i’d prefer just one word, honestly,” calum answered.
“okay, um... enduring,” she said.
“...enduring.” he repeated her flatly, spinning his chair around to look at her. “enduring? that’s all?”
“well, what do you want, calum?” she asked exasperatedly. “you wanted my opinion! i think we’ve gone through and ‘endured’ a lot together, don’t you?” and as dumb as he knew it was, that dumb word was the breaking point. enduring.
“felicitous,” he said in return. “unerring. ardent. veracious. perfervid. impetuous.”
“calum, you might want to speak english,” she said, rolling her eyes and jumping down from the bunk. “i don’t know what part of my answer wasn’t good enough.” she crossed her arms then, taking a step forward. while she and calum bickered all the time just for fun, she seemed to realize that there was more to this than just fun. which is what completely pushed him over.
he leapt up from his chair and closed the distance between them with two short strides. before she (or he) could fully process what was happening, he had reached for her jaw, holding her head as he crashed his lips into hers. as he did, he could feel every part of him tense and relax, and all he could think about was this, and her, and them, and how her hand was touching his chest, not pushing him away, just resting there, feeling his heart as it attempted to beat out of his chest.
slowly, they broke apart, lips lingering and foreheads pressed together. it had just processed in calum’s brain, the whole ‘that just happened’ wave that goes through someone’s brain after they kiss, when quite suddenly, she did push him away. his eyes flickered open, and he was shocked to see the look of anger on her face. before he could say anything, she spoke.
“what the hell was that?” she spat, eyes wide. he chest was rising and falling rapidly as she stared at his speechless form. after a moment of this, she scoffed, leaning over to grab her things and make for the door.
“acrasia,” he whispered as her fingers grasped the handle. she paused, then shook her head as if shaking off a bad thought. the door opened, and with a flash, she was gone, and the slam echoed through the room.
Hey so idk if you remember but i asked you before about advice on talking to guys & id like to update you i guess. So ive started talking to him & ive gotten to the point where we can talk most days inbetween the time of getting to class and class starting. But, i always seem to start the convos & when we are talking, he doesnt seem uninterested or bored. Hes also pretty shy but idk if i should keep talking to him bc i always start the convos and dk if hes interested or being polite. Help?
I do! I’m happy to hear you started talking to him ^-^ If he’s shy especially, he might just be scared to start conversations. If he says more than he has to (for example, if you ask him a yes/no question and he answers with more than just yes or no and gives an explanation or something) he probably enjoys talking to you. Sometimes people are afraid of saying something weird or dumb so they keep quiet. Really, if he doesn’t seem annoyed or bored when you talk to him, I’d suggest to keep starting conversations. Just give him some time and hopefully you’ll get closer! Good luck, and keep me updated <3
