#being divorced

[theblackdivorcee-blog]

As a woman, you can love yourself and still miss the feel of a man in your life. I mean, I'm not advocating casual sex - that's not something I practice. I have great friends, the love of my family, and can deal with my own loneliness. But, I miss having a man around. I miss the way I feel when a man loves me back. It's just different when you're in a romantic relationship - sex, intimacy, companionship, togetherness - all those things are remade when they come with a real commitment. I miss that.

The Divorcee

[theblackdivorcee-blog]

Becoming single after being in a long term relationship must, I think, be akin to becoming free from an incarceration that began before cell phones or the internet - practicing agency in a world where you don't know the rules.

The Divorcee

[theblackdivorcee-blog]

I used to believe that unless there was constant infidelity or mental, physical, and/or emotional abuse; a marriage could withstand just about anything, that there was no other grounds for divorce. But divorce is an option when you and your spouse have grown apart. If the two of you are working for very divergent dreams in the same marriage, then you're working against a future together. It's not easy to see this at first, but once you do, you can't ignore it.

The Divorcee

[theblackdivorcee-blog]

The truth of being single is found less in the fact that there is no romantic partner. I am without romantic love, but there are more pressing issues than finding a man to love or be loved by (although I do miss that). Being single gracefully, I'm discovering, is more about 1. putting loneliness in perspective - it is an actual thing that must be experienced without being artificially covered up and 2. figuring out your Mt. Everest moments - mine almost always involve grown up things like pensions and medical benefits.

The Divorcee

[theblackdivorcee-blog]

I wouldn't say I love being single because I don't. I want to be in a relationship, I want commitment, I want togetherness. Having said that, I do love solitude, independence, freedom, and I would still require them in a relationship - even if in prorated amounts.

The Divorcee

[theblackdivorcee-blog]

Being single in your 4os after having been married for almost twenty years is kind of like teaching middle schoolers after having taught twelfth graders for most of your career. You have all of this experience, but you can't make use of it.

The Divorcee

[theblackdivorcee-blog]

I wasn't really a dater before I got married. I had one "real" boyfriend in college, and maybe one or two "flings". When I met my ex, I liked him most because he was nothing like my father. Instead, he was like my mother, which comes with its own set of problems.

The Divorcee

[theblackdivorcee-blog]

More than one person told me I should just poke a hole in the condom (my ex husband refused to have sex without one). The rationale was that I should take matters into my own hands, get pregnant, and let him grow to love the baby. Sadly, I considered it. But then I had to remind myself that this was my husband - not a one night stand, not some dude I was trying to trap, my husband. We had been married for almost 20 yrs - had I really come to a place where I had to trick him into getting me pregnant? I couldn't settle for that.

The Divorcee