Until we know.
Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader
Summary: A continuation of Until the morning comes in which Ben is a little overwhelmed.
Word Count: 2,322
Warnings: anxiety attack based on my own experiences, mentions of sex and nudity, nightmares and bad writing
A/N: Sorry, this has taken longer than I wanted it to, but I just couldn’t write. I literally wrote like 200 words, think it’s crap and start again. And up until last night, I had a different version of this chapter planned, didn’t like it, deleted it and rewrote it which is why I am posting this now, at almost 1am. Anyway, thanks for all the support, I appreciate it a lot and I hope you enjoy it! Oh and the beginning might be confusing, but it’ll make sense later, so PLEASE read through the first paragraphs.
Tags: @mamaskillerqueen @yourealegendroger @lakef
Message me if you want to be tagged in future parts!!
Ben was excited to see you again. You had told him to meet you in favourite café. It had always been one of your favourite places to spend your lunch breaks with Ben as it was quiet and a little secluded from the usually so lively city. The fact that they sold amazing cakes and sandwiches, along with coffee was, of course, a very supporting one.
His heart was beating fast and the butterflies in his stomach were going absolutely crazy. Ben’s hands were sweating profusely, and he kept on licking his dry lips as he stepped into the small shop, the smell of coffee filling his nostrils immediately. Soft music was playing in the background as he was trying to spot you. Ben felt his heart drop when he finally did.
You were not alone.
A man was sitting with you, staring at you lovingly as he held your hands in his. Your perfect lips formed a huge grin and your cheeks were rosy with the blush the man caused you as he whispered something in your ear. Only mere seconds after, you leaned closer to kiss him softly and slowly. Even from where Ben was standing in the entrance, he could feel the sparks flying between you and him. And it broke him.
Ben quickly strode over to your table, the unshed tears in his eyes making it hard for him to see.
“Y/N?”, he asked in a broken voice. His voice sounded foreign, even to himself.
“Oh good, you’re finally here.”, you said, looking mildly annoyed at Ben’s presence.
“What- what- who is that man?”, Ben’s heart was hammering painfully against his ribcage. And, although Ben was quite sure he knew the answer to that question and didn’t feel like he actually wanted to hear it, he still had an ounce of hope left in him. Maybe all of this was just a misunderstanding. A huge, messy misunderstanding.
“Oh, that’s Josh. My fiancé.”, you told Ben, wiggling your ring-clad finger in front of him.
“Fiancé? But what about me? What about us,” Ben couldn’t talk louder than a strained whisper, “I thought we were trying to get together again. I thought you loved me.” Ben was sobbing now. His arms were wrapping around himself and it felt like the whole world was staring him down. Out of nowhere, paparazzi were flooding the café, suffocating him and depriving him of the air to breathe.
“Oh, Benny. I fell out of love with you so long ago. You can consider yourself fortunate that I slept with you last night.”
Ben woke up startled, moving up into a sitting position as he tried to figure out where he was. The room was lightly illuminated by a little sunlight shining through the gaps between the curtains. It must have been dawn. Your body was sprawled out before him, still naked, still here, still breathing.
Ben ran a hand through his slightly greasy locks. His heart was hammering against his chest rapidly and he was on the verge of hyperventilating. His whole body was covered in a cold sweat. He couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Ben was whimpering as he wrapped his own arms around himself, trying to ground himself. His feet were firmly planted on the soft mattress, his back bend. Ben’s head was almost resting on his knees. He was desperate to grasp reality. He needed someone to tell him that it was just a stupid nightmare.
A gentle hand placed itself on Ben’s naked shoulder. He jerked away. Fear was running through his veins. His blood ran cold. His breathing picked up. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“Ben?”, you asked softly, but Ben couldn’t hear you. He only heard his blood rushing in his ears. Ben didn’t feel like he was anywhere near you. He felt like he was about to choke. On nothing.
“Ben, can you hear me?”, you tried again, this time succeeding as he made a strained noise. He wasn’t capable of more. Not right now.
“You don’t need to talk, Benny.”, you started, but stopped as Ben whimpered. You were confused but decided to ignore it for now.
“Love, can I hold your hand?”, you didn’t have much of a voice and talking over Ben’s rapid breathing was painful, but you tried your best to push through. You didn’t want to let the man who still owned your heart away.
Ben slowly moved one of his arms from around his torso towards where he thought your voice was coming from. You immediately noticed, grasping his hand with your own, giving him something to hold onto.
“You’re doing so well, love. Now, can you please look at me?”, your ask was answered with a desperate shake of his head, telling you that he couldn’t. You felt a slight pain in your chest at his reply but tried to tell yourself that he was only being irrational in his panicked state.
“Love, I need you to slow your breathing. I know it’s hard right now, but try to breathe with me.”, you told him, breathing in deeply, holding your breath for a bit, before releasing your breath loudly. You squeezed Ben’s hand in sync with your breaths. Gradually, his breathing slowed down. Ben felt the tingly feeling in his fingers subside and felt like he was in the room again. Although he still felt uneasy, he also felt somewhat secure again.
“Y/N/N?”, Ben asked quietly. His throat was dry, his voice raspy.
“Yes, love?”
Ben opened his mouth to say something, but his stomach interrupted him. It was angrily churning and before he could say another word, he threw the covers off himself and ran to the ensuite bathroom. His body dropped in front of the toilet and he just barely managed to lift the lid before he threw up.
You hurried after him as you heard him emptying his stomach and gently caressed his back, trying to somehow comfort him. Ben was panting, his stomach hurting with every heave, his throat burning. Tears ran down his cheeks towards his chin until they finally dropped to the ground.
“It’s alright, my love. Let it all out.”, you whispered as you filled a glass on the bathroom counter with cold water, your hand now on his shoulder to reassure him that you were still there. Once he was only dry heaving, you flushed the toilet for him, held out a wet wash cloth to him and gave him the glass of water once he was done. You lazily threw the washcloth into the sink as you sat in front of Ben. He was still avoiding eye contact.
Suddenly, Ben threw his arms around you, pulling you as close as possible to him and cried. You leaned up to kneel, towering over his cowering form. His face was pressed into your chest. One of your hands was running through his curls in a calming manner as the other arm wrapped around him protectively. Ben was making all kinds of desperate noises as you mumbled sweet nothings to him.
“Thank you, love.”, Ben croaked out.
“There is absolutely no need to thank me.”, you told Ben sincerely. Ben made a move to get up, his legs were too shaky to stand on their own though, and so you stood up with him, holding his arm. He slung his arm around your shoulder as you led him to the bed, sitting him down on the edge.
“How do you feel, love?”, you asked as you kneeled in front of Ben. The rough carpeted floor was harsh on your bare knees, but you couldn’t care less as you rested your hands on his knees, drawing soothing circles on them with your thumbs. You had never seen Ben like this. Not this broken down.
Throughout your relationship there had been days on which Ben was crying, even heavily at times, but you had never witnessed him going into an anxiety attack and it truly shocked you. What had happened to him during the time that you spent without each other?
“Not good.”, Ben replied as he wiped over his eyes to get rid of the remaining tears. He sniffled after letting out a watery chuckle. You gave him a little smile in return.
“Do you want to talk about it?”, you asked him.
“Maybe later. Can I…”, Ben trailed off, biting his lip as though he was not sure if it was appropriate for him to continue. You raised an eyebrow, silently trying to get him to continue.
“Can we cuddle?”, he asked quietly. You grinned before getting up and motioning for him to move over. Ben scooted over a little and opened his arms for you to cuddle up to him. You eagerly complied and snuggled into his warm chest. It felt nice being this close to him. It felt like home.
He felt like home.
You two only lay there for a few minutes until Ben was squirming under you. You had rested your head on his chest, your arm wrapped around his waist, but you felt like something was wrong to him. You pushed your body up to lean on your elbow as you looked into Ben’s face.
“What’s wrong, love?”, you felt like you had asked him that question a million times already that night.
“I just… Please don’t feel like you’re heavy, but I just…”, Ben started, and you could see how his eyes filled with tears once more. You shushed him.
“You feel like you’re suffocating if there is a weight on your chest?”, you asked and received a timid nod.
“Would you feel better if you rested your head on my chest?” a little pause ensued before he nodded. You turned to lie on your back and opened your arms for him. Ben snuggled into your chest and immediately felt at peace. He could hear your steady heartbeat. His head rose with every single breath you took. The gentle scratch of your nails against his scalp felt soothing.
“Close your eyes, Benny.”, you mumbled and felt him tense again for a second. His arm wrapped a little tighter around your waist before he took a couple deep breaths. Once more, you were confused.
“Why don’t you sleep a bit more, I’ll be here when you wake up.”, you whispered and soon felt his breathing even out. You felt yourself drifting off, too and you were desperate for a few more hours of sleep before actually having to get up.
When you woke up again, you felt Ben’s gaze on you. He was staring at you lovingly, but there was something else in his eyes. Something you couldn’t exactly place your finger on.
“I’m scared.”, Ben whispered as he finally looked you in the eye.
“What scares you?”, you asked in return, turning to lie on your side, facing him.
“The thought of losing you to another man. I don’t want to spend another day without you again. In my dream you- “, Ben stopped to take a deep breath, “you were engaged to someone else and it felt so real and it hurt so much, I- “
“There isn’t another man in my life, Ben. Not at the moment.”, you mumbled and sat up, moving the duvet to cover your naked breasts. Ben noticed the shift in the mood.
“What do you mean? Are you leaving me?”, Ben now sat up, too, looking at you worriedly.
“Ben, you have made me leave months ago. You have treated me like shit and suddenly we’re here and we act like you never hurt me in the first place.”
Ben was quiet. A pregnant pause settled between you two as you looked around the room, trying to locate your dress. As Ben remained quiet, looking at his hands in shame, you got out of bed and put on your panties, then your bra before finally moving to put on your dress. Once you were almost done, Ben suddenly spoke up.
“Do you regret anything we did last night?”, he asked, looking you straight in the eyes.
“I don’t think I do.”, you told him.
“I need an actual answer. Yes or no?”
“No. No, I don’t regret what we did. But I’m not sure where we stand right now. Where we are going to take this. Ben, I love you. I truly do. But you hurt me. A lot. And I can’t just pretend that never happened.”, you told him truthfully.
“I know, and I hate myself for causing you pain. The last time I did, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for weeks. I barely went outside anymore. My friends had to beat my arse to get me out of bed. Even Frankie noticed I fucked up. She looked at me like I just seriously hurt her. Nothing worked anymore without you. I’m so fucking glad I wasn’t fired for being this unprofessional and unfocussed. The make-up artists literally spent hours on making the circles under my eyes disappear. Even my family beat me up about what I did. I’m so fucking sorry, Y/N. I lost the best thing in my life when I made you go. I love you, Y/N. I always will. I know this is selfish, but I will not stop trying to make it up to you.”, Ben said sincerely. Tears were running from his eyes again. His eyes stung.
You sighed. Tears welled up in your own eyes.
“Please come with me. Have breakfast as friends, you can come home with me as friends and we can talk. Talk until we know.”, Ben continued as you kept quiet.
“Until we know what?”, you asked desperately.
“Until we know where to take this, what to make out of this, how we feel about each other, how I can get you to forgive me, everything you want to know.”
“Okay. Until we know.”
And with that, an extraordinary day started.