#ben jurney

[hothotphone]

Leaked Kanye West Tour Rider

 6 x bottles of Moscato

3 x pairs of house slippers (Fendi, Givenchy, surprise us)

10 x Nobel Prize winners

4 x cultural luminaries

1 x inquisitive puppy (real puppy)

1 x $100,000,000

Assorted rare fruits (surprise us)

20 pairs of new Adidas Yeezy shoe, which event workers must wear (please make it look voluntary)

1 x bad bitch

5 x bad bitch

1,000 x bad bitch

1 x babysitter (Kim pre-approved)

1 x bowl of YE’S FAMOUS SAFFRON BUTTERNUT SQUASH RISOTTO (recipe below)

Assorted culture

5 x throne in dressing room for various stages of emoting

5 x mini-throne in dressing room for various stages of North’s emoting

1 x Aziz Ansari (or replica)

3 x awards from various fashion designers (“you are best at fashion,” “dressed most in Christ’s likeness,” surprise us)

1 x president (living)

NOTE: All above is subject to Kim rider

RISOTTO RECIPE

1/2 tablespoon of Chi-town

Add Nas-flow

4 x beets that Hov threw away

Heat 30 min. in limelight

Strain out haters and wack shit (SAVE THE HITS THO)

2 x Chainz

Preheat oven 400 degrees, peel and cut squash, toss with olive oil and roast, heat chicken stock and melt butter on shallots, add rice and stir, cook with stock while adding saffron and rice.

Cook for 18 years (18 years!? Yes.)

[Ben Jurney’s writing has been featured on the New Yorker Blog and in The Best of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. He is on twitter at @benjurney.]

[newyorkisms]

a happy bodega cat on a rainy day

https://twitter.com/newyorkisms

[hothotphone]

“ASK RENÉ: IS THIS MY DAD?”

Dear René,

There is a man in my apartment. He is wearing a tattered, blue shirt and is hammering underneath our kitchen sink. He told me he “charges by the hour.” Is this my dad?

Yours,

Chuck

  Chuck,

This is not your dad. This is a plumber.

-René

  - - -

 Dear René,

I am currently standing next to the person in question: she is about 5 foot 3, with brown hair. Last night, we made love. Is this my dad?

Cheers,

Stephen

  Stephen,

This is not your dad. Dads are male.

-René

P.S. How was the sex?

  - - -

 Dear René, 

I am holding something that I remember giving birth to. Is this my dad? Or is it my mom? This thing is so small – it's like a tiny adult.

In Christ,

Jocelyn

  Jocelyn,

This is not your dad. It's a baby. I got two of those bad-boys. 

-René

P.S. How was the sex?

- - -

 Dear René, 

I spent all of yesterday with a man that is about twice as old as me. For as long as I can remember, he has lived in my house. He is also married to my mother. Yesterday, we went to plant flowers, and I dug my shovel into the grass, and some dark brown stuff came out from beneath. Are these clumps of underneath-grass my dad? Please be honest – I can handle it.

???,

Dan

  Dear Dan,

So close! These clumps are not your dad. That is soil. Don't worry though: I can't tell you how many times a week I get that question. I really should post a disclaimer up top.

In Christ,

René

  - - -

 Dear Dad,

You should stop running away from your problems and come home. This “René” pseudonym is just a way for you to avoid responsibility for what you said at that pool party. Since you left, my grades have been dropping. I'm having trouble, and you're supposed to be there for me. You are my dad, aren't you?

Love,

Marie

  Dear Marie,

I'm afraid I am not! This guy named George Henderson is. I think he banged your mom on some vacation. So: love you honey, but not coming home anytime soon. Send me any homework you need help with! Don't do drugs! Or at least not the dangerous ones. You know the deal!

-René

P.S. Ask mom: “How was the sex?”

[Ben Jurney's writing has been featured on the New Yorker Blog and in The Best of McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He is on twitter at @benjurney.]