Here I go again
My reattempt to blog about my life has commenced. Thank god no one is on tumblr anymore, no one will be able to read this except my low amount of followers and even then, no one takes the time to read anything anymore anyway. Or maybe thats just me ha.
Yesterday was Cocktial D’amore, a huge party here in Berlin and I want to say I had loads of fun but that is not true. I mean I had snippets of fun but overall my experience left me feeling insecure and introspective. I guess thats why I decided to blog again. Ive been living in Berlin for almost a year and a half now and I still don’t have my squad with me. And it makes me fucking sad and I feel so lonely! Having to go these parties alone and not having your people with you can be a bit lonesome at times. I found myself searching for my party friends for a what seem like hours when they disappeared on me and that made me feel pathetic and so insecure with myself. Like why do I need people to want me to be around to feel secure. I should’ve dance and enjoyed my own time and the music but I walked around in circles frantically searching the space for any sign of my party “friends”. And when i did find them, all I could do was complain about why they left me and couldn’t even think that I would feel lost without them. I am so needy, like why? I mean, I know why but I don’t want to be this needy, complain-y person. Who does? Another thing that happened yesterday that bothered me was some guy who was confused about my gender asked me while I was dancing, trying to have a good time whether I was a girl or a boy? And I told him Im a transwoman and after that, he turned around and walked away. Which is fine, this happens quite frequently but after that that, he returned to ask me another question which was; Did that question bother you? And for some reason, I couldnt answer. Maybe because I was a little high on the mircodose of LSD and maybe the question caught me off guard but I didnt know what to say. I walked away kinda confused. Him trying to figure out my gender and feelings about the question isn’t what bothers me, what bothers me is why I couldn’t answer. I want to be this person who knows herself truly and can be quick to reply to curiosities about my gender. So as I type these words, I am reflecting on how I can handle situations similar to this in the future. I suppose I could let the question sink in and tell him my feelings in that moment or blog about it the next day (ha) but all these feelings I have about yesterday can left there for it is a beautiful day here in Berlin and I have shit to do so Ill end this update about my Berlin party story here. Alyha, stop being so insecure about your feelings and your independence. Your vibe will attract your tribe and that’ll take time so don’t worry about that. Enjoy the moments you have with yourself and your friends and next time anyone ask you how you feel, tell them?