Introspection C1: Retrovaille
Bible Cutting, C1
"This is what the parable means: the seed is the word of God. The seeds that fell along the path stand for those who hear; but the devil comes and takes the message away from their hearts in order to keep them from believing and being saved. The seeds that fell on rocky ground stand for those who hear the message and receive it gladly. But it does not sink deep into them; they believe only for awhile but when the time of testing comes, they fall away. The seeds that fell among thorn bushes stand for those who hear; but the worries and riches and pleasures of this life crowd in and choke them, and their fruit never ripens. The seeds that fell in good soil stand for those who hear the message and retain it in a good and obedient heart, and they persist until they bear fruit.
--Luke 8:11-15
The humanist in me denies the fact that You have saved me from that person I have yet to become, that person who looks back at me in the mirror, with eyes speaking to me, somewhat calling to me for help.
Growing up, I could say that I was an atheist before I joined Christ's Youth in Action (a religious organisation in our university). I was the type of atheist who didn't believe in His existence and didn't particularly practice the religious customs, but I wasn't one of those who would backlash those people who believe in Him. I just didn't see the reason why I'd do that, or maybe there really was no reason at all.
So the question is: Why was I an atheist (before)?
I was born into a somewhat "cold" family. And what I mean by cold is that, my parents never hugged me or even held my hand (as far as I can remember). I grew up watching and envying those children who got to experience those things my parents never managed to give to me. My Dad is always out of the house, either for work or when he's out to attend social parties with his friends. My Mom is always busy attending the affairs of the house and her own business, and we only get to talk maybe when she's not tired or when she has the time to do so. And with that, I lived in a three-story house with only a stuffed toy and a maid to keep me company, and at times when I needed someone to hold to, I would just convince myself that "this too, shall pass". But there are times that I would wish that there would be someone for me; those times when I would celebrate my birthday alone in some convenience store or restaurant (it lasted for more than five years), those times when I would attend those family days held in my school every year by myself, those times that I would wait outside the room of my adviser, pleading to get my own report card because no one was available to get it for me. I was alone. I didn't have many friends, or maybe I didn't really had one at all. And it was hard for me to believe in Him, because from those times when I needed Him, He wasn't there. Or I guess I thought He wasn't.
I didn't have many friends because I have to admit, I keep pushing people away. I built walls around me and shut everyone from myself. "People were a nuisance, and attachment is an even bigger problem.", was the motto I lived all through those years, and it managed to keep me from getting into a depressive or suicidal state. I thought to myself that if I don't get attached to anyone, I wouldn't be hurt in any way.
And from that, I didn't know for myself that my vision was blurred; I didn't know that I was already at the verge of falling into a never-ending abyss.
Until that day, that day God manifested Himself in the form of a bespectacled lady, reaching out to me despite of the walls that I've built myself in. I know that maybe I've said it quite often, but I thank each and every day that God had led me to you. That those days that I thought would just "pass" would be better, and those days that I thought would be "just a memory" would be memorable. You saved me. You saved me from that cold person who would graduate with only egoistic and financial interests in mind. You saved me from that person who kept on thinking she was superior than everyone. You saved me from that sarcastic bastard (but then again, I still am) my parents praised me for, and that I am slowly and surely developing a sense of empathy for others. You made me see life through my own tinted glasses; you taught me that life was more than how I initially thought it was. You made me feel alive and not just exist, and because of you, because you are one of the manifestations of God's ever shining light, the once self proclaimed atheist is slowly becoming a believer, just like you.
It is indeed a difficult conversion. You planted a seed within my very soul, and everyone from this organisation helped in watering that seed. Christian Life Series, prayer meetings, prayer rallies, services.. At first I was only there for the people and not because of Him. But after this week, my perspective slowly changed and I started to open the bible.. And (surprise, surprise) when I opened the Bible earlier, it gave me the passage about The Parable of the Sower. And maybe, just maybe, God is telling me that believing is a continuous and laborious process, that this seed that had been sowed within me will grow into a beautiful plant eventually, and that yes, I am slowly getting there, one step at a time.
And for those members of CYA who would happen to read this, I thank each and everyone of you for being a part of that change. Each one of you is a different color in that spectrum of God's light. Each one of you gave me smile through those days I wanted to give up. Each one of you is the reason why I still keep on thanking God each and every day for your existence. Life is indeed a whole lot better when I am with you. And maybe, God wanted to prepare me for that change, that my story as an atheist turned believer would inspire others too. Maybe He wanted to save the best for last, and that best part is a life with you.