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I’ve mentioned the experience that I’m going to talk about in this episode several times but never the details to it since it’s too horrifying to my mind to place myself back in my shoes and relive it. Even though the near-death Awakening mystical experience was a far more visceral experience, this one terrified me and has continued to terrify me far more than thinking about whether I actually died or not, which is very interesting as I type these words. Maybe because it was the lack of drugs or drug use at this point and how immediate the presence, judgment and activity of God could so instantly send me and by extension, anybody else, straight to Hell, actual Hell here in the living present moment of now, without any of that fire and brimstone imagery, that renders this experience as not a fun one to draft or speak about.
Just looking back at it, you would think after reading at least a hundred spiritual type works and having blasted through the Bible and sayings from the Saints and the Upanishads and the Quran and everything else I’d read, that there’s no way that God would send me to Hell, but that’s exactly what happened. And I can’t keep saying God. It was entirely my own fault and entirely my own doing, so the better way of saying it was that I’d created the opportunity that led me to this experience that left God no other option than to send me straight to Hell for an instant of time, but eternal time, since the experience was one of timelessness as well.
How could I have fallen so decisively after having so decisively seen, experienced and accepted the reality and truth of God? It’s shocking. My hands are somewhat trembling as I type this right now. I know I’ve pointed the finger at New Age type teachings as being responsible for my fall, so though I have zero recollection of the names of the works read, I will try to explain the ideas that I had acquired and held in my mind at this time and how they contributed to my downfall. The experimenter in me is also responsible and because of this, I ceased experimenting on spiritual phenomena for many years after this.
Let this be a warning ahead of time for the listener or the reader of this work. There are teachings that seem and appear to be genuine and authentic, but they are ever so subtly just a bit off, ever so subtly not truth, and ever so subtly lead one down the road to perdition. And I can say this because I experienced it. I may get flamed for this by any that practice New Age type teachings and have never been given the punishment of God that I received for thinking these ideas and thoughts and practices and beliefs, but maybe it’s because they never took them to the extremes like I did, like when I spoke about my idiot trust walk as I tested the limits of synchronicity. The point is if one takes these at first glance amazingly written teachings to their ultimate endpoint, the subtle differences, the subtle lies that are exposed the further one treads upon these paths, those that follow them as I did, may find the result is not as pleasant as at first glance.
The primary teaching that directly led to this experience is the one of self-divinity. And explaining this is difficult because the gift of faith as I read directly from the Catechism of the Catholic church in episode three of the podcast is a type of divinity, or an idea of divinity as the prize or gift of faith in God, much like the parable of the pearl Jesus speaks of. But if you’re listening closely or closely reading that sentence, it is a gift, and not something that is claimed or taken or self-proclaimed. And thus, we come full circle to my book Lucifer Revealed and the discussion of the taking of the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and what was received from this and as the ancient story presents it, what all humanity received, along with what was given up, or withheld by God because of this. “That they had become like the gods,” by eating the fruit, is what Genesis tells us is the real reason God gets angry, and thus the fruit of immortality, or life, had to be removed because being like the gods had been taken by humanity, instead of given by God. I’ve also mentioned that this is what is referred to in the Gospel of John when Jesus says that thieves and robbers enter by other means, but the good shepherd enters through the gates, and that there is a guardian at the gates almost all mythology and all religions speak of in some way since the robbers may reach the gates, but they cannot enter fully by such means.
It’s all very mystical, very difficult to see and understand this stuff if you haven’t ventured this far down the Narrow Path of the mysteries of the Christ, God the Father and the Holy Spirit. I have a theory that I’ll present right now that the mystical aspects of the Bible are meant for those of us that have seen and experienced, that have been tempted as Jesus was in the desert with the use of the spiritual powers of transmutation, when the Devil tempts him to turn the stones into bread and to eat, or to call down the angels to carry him from falling, or trying to use spiritual powers or energies in magical ways. The normal practitioner of Christianity, one that lives a life of faith alone, never has these types of experiences and such temptations never come their way, for they’ve never pierced that veil of the known and the unknown beyond what the sacraments are meant to bestow upon the believer. But those that have pierced through, and especially in this modern age but still very much alive throughout the pages of the history of the Bible and the world, those that have pierced through, especially through drug use, are the robbers and thieves that have arisen to the loftiest of places mentally but have not actually traversed through the Narrow Path to find or be blessed with it. And thus, for the drug using mystic, if it can be seen within the microcosm of the self, the story in Genesis becomes the story of the self having reached for the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and acquired it without God’s permission, and thus the fruit of life and immortality is withheld or removed, even if you’ve already been baptized since you’ve literally undone the baptism that washed away the Original version of this that occurred to humanity at whatever unknown mystical time it occurred.
I know there’s different ideas regarding this within different sects of Christianity, of whether salvation can be lost or not. I’m not going to sit here and say yay or nay for anybody other than myself, but since I came to understand that reaching this interior holy place where I witnessed God as a complete sinner was the taking of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, I do believe that one can lose their salvation, primarily if they’ve already seen and experienced what can be called divine. If you know any of the inner theology around the Devil, or the reason why the Devil is cast out eternally, you will see the similarity to what I’m trying to illustrate here. Only difference at least in that case is that since the Devil was an eternal being the choice to turn away from God was an eternal choice, where even if we gained salvation through baptism, experienced God, and turned away from God, we are still capable of receiving forgiveness if we turn back to God, for we are mortal. The other reason for this distinction in my mind is that as opposed to those that haven’t had any spiritual experience and rely entirely on faith, if they falter, they have nothing to fear since they have no actual experience of the reality of God beyond that faith. But if you have had experience, and have seen already, then to turn from this is a super-giant big no-no on the level of the Devil turning away from God.
Thus the story in Eden and Genesis doesn’t just begin the story of humanity in the Christian idea or worldview, it also begins the story of those of us that took the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, or reached for divinity on our own before having it gifted by God through the walking of the Narrow Path of the Christ, regardless of whether we were aware of what we were doing at the time, like through drug use.
Again, difficult stuff to explain and probably to hear or comprehend. And I can offer little to no recourse unfortunately. You either know what I’m talking about because you’ve either been there or you are there, now as you’re listening or reading this, and you’re realizing that the fount of your spirituality comes from reading some cool stuff online or from a couple of You Tube videos, or from a book Oprah recommended, or like me, from seeing some crazy shit while doing drugs. Or you have no idea what I’m talking about. Plenty of myths alongside the opening of the Bible that speak of the punishment given by the gods to those humans that try to scale Mount Olympus for instance.
So let me at least try to discuss this idea of self-divinity as I understood it from the reading of New Age type texts so that perhaps what I’m alluding to can become a little bit clearer. That Jesus himself says that we are like the gods is the oft quoted verse that I came across in these works that spoke of realizing our own self-divinity. Yet the entire lesson of Jesus found in the mysteries is that though fully God, he emptied himself of the fullness of that divinity to become man, specifically so that he could follow the will of the Father as a man. Let’s dive deeper.
When you become Christian, especially in the Catholic Church, if you’re a baby when baptized obviously you’re not conscious in the sense that we’re conscious when we get older of the words used in the prayers, but that’s why there’s the confirmation sacrament, so that you accept the baptism as a fully conscious person. But in the prayers for confirmation, just as during Baptism, just as in the Nicene Creed, what is being acknowledged? That Jesus Christ is the only Son of God. The very act of doing this, negates, relinquishes, releases the person from the Original Sin as most clearly spoken of and taken up by the Church ever since St. Augustine explained it. How is this achieved? By acknowledging Jesus Christ as the only Son of God, in a mystical, eternal, universal way, we are saying as well that we are not gods ourselves and are thus acknowledging the sovereign nature of God the Father, through the mortal expression of Himself as the Son, Jesus Christ.
It’s strange stuff I know but the only way to explain further is to contrast this with the New Age type teachings that have permeated throughout the modern world and aren’t really called New Age anymore, but twenty years ago that’s what these types of teachings and interpretations were referred to as. The Mysteries are very clear. Jesus says we are like the gods, Jesus says that in the coming Kingdom we will be like him, adopted children of the living Father, but Jesus only says this after his temptation in the Desert when he’s renounced all spiritual powers that activate or enable one to control reality. If one has not gone through this process of the Desert of the Soul, or the walking of the Narrow Path, and one is engaged in these spiritual practices, then one is using essentially the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil that conferred upon humanity a likeness to the gods and is thus denying the ultimate sovereign nature of The Father by claiming their own divinity through their own freewill. The theology of the Devil should be chiming in your mind after that last sentence.
For further proof of this, you have to venture out of the canonical works in the Bible and into the Books of Enoch. Whatever your idea about this work in the present moment is must be placed aside so that you can see it in the context of the time of Jesus. The work had been seen as holy and inspired back then. I think if I remember correctly, several copies of Enoch were found in the Qumran tombs of the Essenes where the Dead Sea Scrolls have been found. So the ideas found within this work were the ideas present in the minds of those that came before Jesus, those that came after, and most likely Jesus himself. In it, it says that the lawlessness that God refers to in the Bible in the start of the Noah story, or the reason for bringing the flood, is all manner of esoteric magical practices like divination, soothsaying, fortune-telling, etc, that were taught essentially by angels, evil angels, to mankind. And if you interpret this beyond the classical idea of angel or devil, they were all spiritual practices that had been discovered or channeled and used by human beings, and such things would actually continue to plague both the Israelites as well as all the ancient world and even right on up to today, even after the flood.
Again, regardless of your belief level in such things, such things were believed to be true and possible throughout the pages of the Bible and across the entire ancient world. If you go way back to King Saul I think it was, he consults essentially a witch to raise the spirit of the dead prophet Samuel since the King is desperate for answers from his now dead former prophet. And this witch was capable of achieving this, which alone should be an eye-opener if you’ve never bothered to read the Old Testament or have forgotten this story from Sunday school.
There was also the strange Urim and Thurim divinatory medals or stones or medallions that were on the breast plate of Aaron and beyond that provided some sort of yes or no divinatory 8-Ball of knowledge response to the high priest of Israel. First thing that popped in my mind when I read that with new eyes was why did Aaron need these when Moses was still present with the people and was speaking to God on their behalf? Considering some of the other strange things in the text of the Old Testament and the different epochs of composition scholars have been able to identify, seems like an easy editorial addition to my mind during the priestly editorial time period to give credence to the divinatory practice the high priests had now become addicted to after their contact with Persia and the high divination that Persia possessed, and further, the reason why the prophets in the Bible were constantly thrashing such practices to bits.
So, the modern idea of being self-divine or realizing your divinity, which as you can see, isn’t really a modern idea, is that understanding the concept and bringing it into your conscious mind will awaken the divine consciousness within and thus grant one divinity. Or rather, kind of like Plato or one of the other Greek philosophers taught, I can’t remember exactly which one, but that ancient philosophical idea that we learn nothing in life and what we are actually doing is remembering what we already knew somehow in the pre-existent past or by piercing through to seeing and understanding the archetypes of existence. Those familiar with the Gnostic texts will see the similarity to this idea, remembering that we are light beings or a fragment of the eternal that has been speckled across the face of the Earth and the act of remembering this through gnosis, releases this enchained speckle of the eternal from the mortal and returns it to the eternal upon death. Much the same is taught in the Eastern religions though with different language and variations of course.
But the West, to my eyes at least, seems to have always been far more obsessed with humans, especially humans of high station being called gods. The Pharaoh’s of Egypt considered themselves gods. Caesar after his death was called a god and then all Caesar’s afterwards were also seen as living gods. This might also by why in the Old Testament Moses himself is referred to as God in a couple instances that can be real head scratchers when you come across these passages if they haven’t been edited out in a weak translation. Several of the Greek Philosophers, especially Pythagoras was seen as a god after his death, and as I stated earlier, the Catechism of the Church even teaches that there’s a type of divine life that is achieved or lived or blessed upon when one enters the Kingdom of Heaven or has experienced the Beatific Vision that could be seen and or renders such a person as being a type of god since such a person is now placed in Heaven, just with a different name in the Church, as that of a Saint.
I’m trying to lay each of these things so that you can see the subtle differences that I was referring to. While living, being called a god, or after death, being called a god or a Saint. Being born into royalty and somehow automatically being conferred with the title of god or having lived a rigorous life of devotion and study as Pythagoras or St. Anthony of the Desert, and in turn, those generations afterwards calling them a god or a Saint. Smoking some dope and seeing the invisible realities and suddenly you’ve become a self-help guru that has self-realized divinity, or constant daily meditation and the rigor of a devotional life and abandonment of the spiritual powers to receive the mystical experience as blessing and gift that essentially accomplishes what all have spoken of as the prize of spirituality. Or as Jesus puts it: many will choose the wide-open path; few will follow the Narrow Path.
Again, I can speak on this because I’ve gone through both. As soon as I started coming across the ideas found in these works, and realizing I’d seen what I’d seen and experienced what I’d experienced, and that the overwhelming majority of people I spoke to, along with the overwhelming majority of the works I’d read with authors that never spoke of their own personal experiences, I realized I’d encountered something rare, and since rare, valuable, and since valuable, high and lofty, and since high and lofty, exceptional, and since it had occurred to me, thus I was each of these, and since each of these, it meant that in reality, I existed on my own as my own self-made divinity, and since I was my own self-made divinity, the thought that began to form in my mind was that I no longer needed God the Father, since as my own god, why was I continuing to pray to this imaginary God the Father?
I had healed myself and others. I was manifesting empty parking spots in crowded supermarket parking lots before I showed up. I would dream or meditate of experiences and then experience them in a way. Not always exactly what was meditated or dreamt, but enough to where I could make the connection to what had been experienced. I was in complete control of my thoughts by this point and had conquered that impressionistic empath effect I mentioned in an earlier episode and capable of not only detaching my thoughts from the swarm of voices surrounding me in a crowd, but also not thinking anything in my mind other than the periodic thought of returning to the state of emptiness of mind when I caught the mind wanting to wander and attach itself to whatever mental stimuli it was trying to attach itself to, and obviously the awareness of all of this occurring.
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