#big bad brain

[natthemess]

Everything’s becoming that much more pointless and winter hasn’t even started

[bodhimcbodeface]

Depression as a scrupulous person is the worst because it's a sin to sleep when your body doesn't actually need the rest, and it's a sin to lie around and do nothing, and as long as you're physically capable of putting one foot in front of the other then you're morally obligated to keep going. But I can think of no other illness that makes it so, so darn difficult not to sin.

[bodhimcbodeface]

So this is what worry without panic feels like. I'm concerned that I'm not going to be able to get this paper to eight pages, but not so concerned that it renders me unable to function. Huh. I'd forgotten what that felt like.

[bodhimcbodeface]

No but I haven't cried in a WEEK, and I'm guessing that's normal for most people but it feels really really strange for me. Like I'm supposed to be crying right now. Like obviously I have something to cry about so I must have forgotten it, or I must not realize how bad it is. This emotional stability thing is going to take some getting used to.

[bodhimcbodeface]

[bodhimcbodeface]

now my parents are mad at me because I won't call this program that treats anxiety disorders. that's because whining about writing a fucking paper is not a fucking anxiety disorder. something is wrong with me, but there aren't programs to treat Being A Lazy Crybaby Who Hates Working Disorder now, are there?

[bodhimcbodeface]

[bodhimcbodeface]

Me: I don't have *real* anxiety, I do just fine in crowds and I don't get panic attacks.

Me: *ends up on the floor crying and screaming every time I have a paper due.*

Me: Right.