#bigmikeymikey

[imalooseboltofacompletemachine]

Today is my boyfriend and I's 6 year anniversary, holy fuck it's been a long time.

[imalooseboltofacompletemachine]

ladies and gents, my boyfriend-

Me: I never thought she was really that pretty personally but Mikey: you dont think anyone is attractive Me: did you just call yourself ugly

[mayorlia]

Thank you, Mikey, for giving me the gas mask for free and for hanging out/helping me water all my crazy flowers. You're awesome.

[imalooseboltofacompletemachine]

"I confess, I messed up, Dropping I'm sorry's like you're still around."

And I'm probably just going to keep dropping them.

        I'm just going to be straightforward about my feelings, even if they're silly, or silly to you. I need to say all this. I cannot get this all out through some stupid text messages and I'd trip over myself too much in person, not that you want to see me anyway, you've made that abundantly clear. I hope that my tone will come through properly in writing, and that this doesn't end up being too long for you to read.

        I know I really fucked up this time, but I really hope we can work things out. I want a future with you. I want a wedding with a big, fluffy ball gown that you'll complain about but like it anyway, and a cake with some sort of silly topper we picked out just because it was funny. I want to (eventually) move out and get an apartment together and flail around to pay our bills. I want to go to amusement parks on days that I feel up to it, and run away from you when you try to get me to ride scary rides, and pretend to get mad at you when I do it for you and hate it. I want to spend too much time playing a game with you because it's too much fun to stop. I want to spend my life with you and grow old together. I want The Notebook. I’m sorry you don't want me anymore because I was so stupid. I’m sorry I fucked everything up. I'm sorry I couldn't see past my anger. I'm sorry I became undeserving of you. I hate myself so much. I know I should be angry with you for the things you've fucked up yourself, but I just can’t anymore. Not after I realized how much you gave up for me. At least you were trying, even if you do fuck up sometimes too. We all make mistakes, and I shouldn't have treated you so badly because of yours. I hate myself for not paying closer attention, I hate that I didn't calm myself down so that I could really acknowledge that you told me you were at the end of your rope with me all those times. I hate that I didn't take you seriously in retort to thinking you weren't taking me seriously. I hate that I kept you from doing everything you wanted to do and not realizing how much it hurt you, and not thanking you for doing it for me. I'm sorry for only calling out your shortcomings instead of telling you I appreciated everything you do for me. I hate that I didn't make some sacrifices for you (although, you have to admit losing my parents respect completely because I was with you is a pretty big sacrifice), like getting over things and letting you do what you want to do. Anyway, I appreciated everything you did for me and I should have shown it. I love you so much and I never meant to hurt you. 

         I can't stand that no one takes me seriously when I say that my pelvic floor problems ruined my life. It's taken my sanity from me. It took my happiness from me. I'm only clinging on because of you; you're the only thing that made me happy through all of this hell that's been thrown at me. You're the only person who could cheer me up. You were the only person who gave me any will to keep working toward something. I know dependency isn't cute, but I'm in a time of great need and I need you. Please don't give up on me now. I know I have friends…but they just can't help me no matter how hard they try. I feel bad for that, really I do, but I can’t help that I just don’t react to them. It's nice that they're there for me so I'm not alone, and I appreciate them being there, but I can't believe much of what they say. People I don't even know, or at least I think I don't know, tried to tell me how great I am on my other blog, but I don’t really believe it. People will spout anything so that others won't be upset. I don't see why random people would think I'm some great person just because I run a FOB blog. Do you think I'm a good person? Am I worth saving?

        And I know it sounds like a bunch of bullshit (this whole letter probably sounds like bullshit, but I swear I mean everything I say) when I say my pelvic floor messed up my last chance to fix things, or it sounds like a bad excuse, but that's really the reason I just never did what I meant to do to help myself and the relationship. You are not even the only thing it got in the way of; I had so many plans for myself that got completely eradicated because I was either too sick to go through with them or because of all the medical bills, the money, going to my doctors visits, tests, and medications. I downward spiraled and hit the ground hard when I realized, it wasn't getting better. I guess I took some of it out on you. I guess, in some ways, maybe I blamed you for it, thinking it had something to do with what you did when we were broken up that last time, that you gave me something from her that set this off. Maybe I was subconsciously holding you responsible. I'm not sure, but I really messed up either way.

         I've always wanted you no matter what, not just in spite of our differences, but because of them. We push each others limits and force each other to look at different perspectives of things. I think that's so important, we always learn things from each other. We just always...worked, even if we clash sometimes. It always felt right to be around you. I think you felt the same around me, why else would you have tried so hard to make things work....but, I digress. I hate what we've turned into, but I'm still crazy about you, looking past what's been happening. No couple is together for 5 years, especially through their teens, and are still as all over each other as we are, still as crazy about each other as we are. I am so scared to lose all of that forever because of my own hubris. 

         I hope you'll give me a chance to fix this when you become less angry and upset with me. I miss you so much already and we can do better than what this is coming to. I can do better than this. We're too good together to just throw it all away over some stupid mistakes I've made and things that can be repaired. I know in the end I threw you away by being too focused on your past mistakes, and I'm sorry. You're doing the same thing back now and I can see why you hate it so much. But we did not do this for 5 years just to toss it in the trash, you know as well as I do how stupid that is. I know you don't want to waste anymore time, but I can promise you, it wouldn't be a waste if you came back.

Also, don't pretend like you didn't see this. I do have Google Analytics, if you remember.  P.S. I didn't cry at all while writing this, aren't you proud?

P.P.S. Okay I almost cried.

P.S.P.S. I realized that you probably have no idea why I referenced The Notebook, so have an example or two:

Noah: Would you just stay with me? Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fighting. Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. Allie: So what? Noah: So, it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever. You and me... everyday

----

"Duke": They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday... Young Noah: [Allie and Noah are fighting] Don't push me! [Allie pushes Noah anyway] "Duke": ...But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other.

[imalooseboltofacompletemachine]

Macklemore - Thrift shop

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY BOYFRIEND.

"This is fucking awesome"

There. There is your lyric, grossbutt.

[imalooseboltofacompletemachine]

I enjoy your face. A lot.

Aw. I enjoy yours too<3