#billiesd0ll

[billiesd0ll]

maybe writing is what has kept me going all along

[billiesd0ll]

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[billiesd0ll]

So if the problem ain’t my weight nor my height, is it my whole self then?

[billiesd0ll]

Die. I choose to die.

[billiesd0ll]

I think there’s no amount of words that could ever describe the darkness I went through and how afraid I was during such a long period of time, where previously, pain was deeply hidden in my rotting soul, until it all came out, and I finally sensed how sad and destructive I had been.

[billiesd0ll]

I can wonder, however, it will in fact not change how my life would've been if my girlhood was arranged differently.

So I must keep going, keep trying to experience a pretty life I can remember.

[billiesd0ll]

Sometimes I choose crumbling over healing, because I’m relieved by pain and suffering although I don’t feel like myself ever I do am aware of how self destructive I can be and it saddens me that I brag about having control but having none in my own life and how much it takes from me that I don’t have to distinguish if what I’m thinking is right or my brain is just tricking me into believing I’m not.

[billiesd0ll]

TW sui ideation

I've always thought about death (my death) as an event that will eventually be arranged, at some point, I mean we are all going to die, there's no escape to it. But thinking about my death and how I am going to die makes me realize that I've just assumed while growing up that when I die, will be by my own choice and willing.

This has always been like a base thought for me, the way that I will die, is by my own hands, there is no other possible way. its like intuition, I just know.

I talked about this to one of my closest friends, she was shocked, I mean I just claimed to be constantly suicidal in her face but, it is so normal to me and I can't quite see the harm in thinking this way sometimes, even though I know and understand it all the way too.