#bittersweet vent

[beecharliebee]

It’s weird. That moment where you realize people do sincerely care about you. That moment you realize that people think about you. When you realize that you’re a favorite person to your favorite people. And you learn that those people are sad when you’re sad, and they wanna do what they can to cheer you up. You have people that take on your burdens - not in a bad way - but in the way friends do. They feel WITH you. They feel FOR you. You have people that will love you without you needing to ask for that love.

And what’s even weirder is realizing that you didn’t know there something there TO realize. And you think about how you went almost 22 years not knowing what this felt like. What it feels like to have people that get you, and love you, and won’t judge you or abandon you for being different or having bad days. 22 years. 22 years I’ve been alive, and today I realized I have a family. I have people that get me and love me the way I craved being loved. It feels great, but at the same time it breaks my heart because a long time ago I made peace with the fact that I would never have this the way other people do. I’ve felt alone in this world for 22 years. But somehow - even I was able to find my people. I have people. I found my people. I did that. I achieved what I perceived to be impossible.

I’m so so grateful to know what I have today. But like I said… it’s bittersweet. All those years I spent feeling isolated and unloved by everyone and not understood. All those years that I spent being a hurt child that wasn’t getting loved the way they deserved, teaching myself how to be okay being on my own.

It hurts to not understand why no one cared for me like this before having the people I have now. It really hurts. At the same time, though, it makes me appreciate it more.

I am going to be okay. I don’t have a lot of people, but I have the right people. I am okay. And for once, I am not the only person supporting myself.

I know no one is gonna read this. Or the chances of anyone reading it are very low, but I just wanted to get some thoughts out and put it somewhere. Like journaling. But I’m at work and don’t have a journal with me right now, so I’ve for some reason resorted to tumblr. Anyway. That’s all.

[dimdesire]

You're just a memory now.

Sometimes I wish that we still talked everyday like we used to. Sometimes I wish that we had never drifted apart. Part of me still had hope that maybe someday we would be back in each other's lives again, no matter what happened, I hoped we would start talking again and put the past behind us. But now I'm starting to get the feeling that I may really not ever hear from you again. And that really hurts me. I wish I could take back what I did and how I got mad at you and what I said. But in a way, I'm glad, because I'm sure we both learned a lesson from it. Even if we never speak again, one thing is for sure, I'll never forget you and I'll always miss you. You were important to me and I can't let a memory like that just go. I hope you'll think of me  and what we had from time to time, just like I will with you.