#blahislikestef

[stefislikeblah]

02.09.18

It’s 12:30. I’m drunk. We walked to Safeway to pick up a package from the amazon locker. On the way back to the apartment we run into an elder women who seemed to have fallen on the sidewalk. She asks for help. She lost a shoe. I try to put it back on her foot. I’m drunk. We walk her home in the dark. She holds onto my arm the entire way home. I’m drunk. I ask her if she lives by herself. She says yes. We get to her house and she doesn’t have a key. Her son or someone opens the door. We explain how we found her and they thank us. I hope she is alright. Her name was Joanne.

[stefislikeblah]

Broken.

Wow, I talked with an acquaintance tonight who is experiencing a broken heart and she asked me if I’d ever experienced one myself. I told her yes, I did, in high school. We’d gone to the same high school and she was partners with my ex in class around the same time he’d broken up with me and he told her about a letter I wrote to him after we broke up. I completely forgot that letter and I can barely remember it. He told her that I’d written about how hard it was for me to go to school every day and that I would break down crying every day when I got home from school. Talking about it reminds me that I really fucking hate what he did to me, but I’m also thankful for how much I grew from the entire thing. I came out of my heart break so much stronger than I’d ever been and I feel like if I hadn’t gone through everything I wouldn’t be who I am now.

[stefislikeblah]

I don't write about you because I don't want to remember you.

[stefislikeblah]

.

I remember my ex and I were trying to be friends after we were both newly single. And like, idk wtf he was trying to do, but I really wanted to just try to be his friend, but mad feelings still lingered so I eventually broke things off. We’d hang out randomly a lot. And that winter, there was a huge storm. Rain to me is so symbolic, so nostalgic of so many fond memories so I jumped at any chance to just enjoy, and be present in it. One night it was raining a ton and we were texting. Idk how we ended up deciding we’d play in the rain. But we met in our high school parking lot and just hung out in the rain. Walking around, chasing each other for hours. Then we sat in his truck trying to warm up and I was wearing uggs. After like an hour of talking I look down at my feet and there was a puddle of water around my feet hahaha. Idk, why I’m posting this, I’ll probably end up deleting it but I just remembered this today and it was a good memory.

Lol. I should just keep this shit to myself.

[stefislikeblah]

What if?

You know, in situations in life, I always try to do the most that I can. When I try to decide what route I'm going to take, I always do everything I can in those moments so that when I look back, I can think, "I did everything that I could/ wanted to do in that moment and there's nothing more I could've done." I never want to regret decisions that I make. I never want to wonder, "What if?" And in this certain situation, this one time, I'm glad that I didn't do that. I made the right decision.

[stefislikeblah]

Memories.

One of the first times I stayed with Peter, it was a weeknight or a Sunday, I don't remember. I just remember he had work the next day. Usually he has to get up pretty early to go to work in the morning, so he'd be gone by the time I got up. On this particular morning, when I woke up, he was still sleeping right next to me. After a little bit, he woke up and I asked him why he didn't go to work and he rolled me over, gave me a squeeze and said, "I don't want to go to work today. I thought we could spend the day together." The next morning the same thing happened, and that's when I realized how much I was really falling for him. Ugh, sometimes I wish we could relive these things all over. I miss it.

[stefislikeblah]

11.3.16

Today, we visited Peter’s friend’s new townhouse. I don’t know why, but I wanted to cry because I’m happy for them, but I envy them too.

I don’t know why it upset me. I get to travel the world, and I have a good life. I have nothing to complain about. But I don’t have a home anymore, and nothing has been consistent in my life this past year. I just want a place to call my own. Ugh. I hate myself haha.

[stefislikeblah]

Also, can't stop watching this one either. 💕