Request: No
Title: Not us, not ever
Pairing: Billie Eilish x Reader
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
CW/TW: Themes of divorce (detailed)Anxiety Attack (detailed), descriptions of dissociation, billie comforts reader. Verbal reassurance, physical touch for grounding, mirroring parallels.
Summary: When witnessing a couple fighting reader has a anxiety filled flashback on and Billie comforts her beloved
Thank god for your girlfriend.
She knew you enough to know when something was wrong. And she gave a fuck.
Not that tonight was discreet. You went from wide eyed and bushy-tailed bouncing with energy to a nervous wreck barely hearing a word she said. Your whole body coiled up with tension and stiffened like a visceral response you’d had a billion times before. Your heart was too aware of the sounds which mingled in the background for everyone else. You tried nodding, you even smiled at Billie not wanting her to think you you were not paying attention to her when you were. You were trying so hard to let her words in but your brain seemed to be preparing itself to kill a lion. Your muscles felt loaded and ready to release a huge burst of energy. You could easily run a thousand miles right now. Or maybe actually kill a lion.
“Y/N? Baby? Look at me”
She tried to gently coax you into a response, however small but your ears felt… it felt like your ears werhe underwater. You could see her talk , her lips moving. But you couldn’t understand the words. When you were a kid you used to play a game, diving under the water or the pool and trying to guess what your friend outside was saying. And right now, you were doing the same, brute forcing your mind to pick up on any phonetic cues that could hint at whatever it was Billie could be saying.
The source of all this? A couple some tables down from you both, who had gotten into an argument. At first it didn’t seem like a big deal. But as the girl’s voice began to echo louder with the guy repeating himself, the side of his hand slamming into the table to drive a point home, it began to feel hard to breathe. As the guy began to shout the girl stood up, grabbing at his arm trying to get to stop him from leaving. He wasn’t listening. And she made sure to say he wasn’t listening. He paused and they talked for a moment. Before he began to get frustrated at her insistence and was soon screaming as he tried to storm out.
Your stomach dropped, you felt nauseous. Nononono. No. No.
You lips trembled, you wanted to say something, anything.
But it wasn’t your business was it? It wasn’t your business back then when it was mom and dad going at each others throats tearing each others to bits. Wasn’t your business when your adult mom threw herself at your arm shit talking dad for leaving. Wasn’t your business when dad up and left and you only began to get to see him in predetermined dates agreed upon with a lawyer. Wasn’t your business with this young couple. They weren’t married as far as you knew but the exact pattern was all so familiar, painfully so. The way she was too scared to let him go. The way he felt claustrophobic with her incessant demands and expectations. You wouldn’t be surprised if he had cheated because some other girl let him breathe and thought he was funny for the things his girlfriend called him immature and selfish.
“No please.. not again” was all you managed to stammer out, your voice small and cracking. Breathe in and out. Your heart was beating hard harder.. harder. Fast. Fast. Faster. Faster. Every inhale felt like fire on your chest and not enough as you gasped, your diaphragm trembling like a choked up child. You were exactly the same now as you had been all those years again. The words of the couple and the fight of your parents seemed to merge into one nightmarish hellscape. You couldn’t function..
Your girlfriend luckily could tell trying to talk it out wouldn’t solve it. Not yet at least. She paid the bill, finished her mock tail and took your hand pulling you out of the restaurant once you were away from the couple she hugged you tightly. Her arms wrapped around you like a blanket covering your trembling form. Her doughy curves felt soft under your grip like hugging your favorite teddy while blaring your favorite bands in an excruciatingly loud volume on your headphones to drown out any sounds of reality. The reality that you so feared. Everyone falls out of love eventually.
“Why? Why is it always like this…”
“Hey hey hey.. nonono. No. Not us.” Billie retorted rapidly, her hand caressing your knuckles. She didn’t let go of the hug, your body was trembling but each shake was smaller than the previous. “Not us”.
“Billie I don’t want to stop loving you… I love you. But everyone falls o-“
your words were cut off by the pressing of her lips against yours. It wasn’t a bruising kiss. It was gentle like a rose petal grazing your skin slowly… it forced you to stop fueling the anxious thoughts and focus on reciprocating the kiss a small task you had done so many times by now was muscle memory… she then broke the kiss, and her fingers ran along your jaw.
“Get it in through your skull baby. Not us. We will not fall out of love. Not now. Not ever. Not us. Not ever. Okay. Say it with me.”
“We will n-not…”
“Not us, not ever.” She repeated…. Her blue eyes met yours and she leaned forward pressing her forehead on yours.
“Not us…” you whispered against her lips… “not ever…”
“Never.”
“Never..,” you whispered again, a watery smile on your lips… she hugged you again, tighter. Your chest was racing less. She only let go when she sat you both down on a bench of a plaza holding your hand and she bought a packet with crumbs and you both began to feed the birds… not everything needs to be said out loud. And right now this simple action mirroring an old couple both white haired on the other side of the plaza was enough for you to know it would be fine and she would keep her promise…