#blesildaa

[sameoldboringstrokes]

I was listening to a podcast when this line hit me hard:

"You wake up and you're doing exactly what you want to do. You're living your passion... I wake up and go to a desk job, and if the joy I get from that job is having the money to afford a trip to Paris, I'll take it. But you don't need that because you already have that joy in what you're doing."

I am earning more than before, sure. But what struck me was that I don't seem to have either kind of joy.

Some of the things I love simply aren't available where I am. I miss theatre. I miss live performances. There are no theatre plays here that I can just decide to watch on a weekend (I don't even know what weekend feels like anymore). I miss the things that make me feel alive.

[sameoldboringstrokes]

ME: Grabe! Wala na naman akong ginawa buong maghapon. KUYA: Ano ginagawa mo kapag gano'n? ME: Nagtu-Tumblr. Nagdadrama. Nagbabasa.

[sameoldboringstrokes]

“SOMETIMES I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I SHOULD BE DOING I’VE BEEN WORKING SO DAMN LONG ON FINDING SOMETHING WORTH A DAMN”

This time last year, I watched We Aren’t Kids Anymore with my friend. At that time, I was convinced that in five months, I was finally going to have my break — My Great Perhaps. I thought that after all the overthinking, all the sleepless nights, and all the moments of feeling lost, I would finally get out of On The Edge. I was so confident that I’d eventually get out of this cycle of feeling stuck.

Yung tipong hindi ko na kailangang tanungin sarili ko ng, "What the hell am I doing with my life?"

But apparently, akala ko lang pala.

A year later, and somehow, I’m still standing in the exact same place emotionally. Still confused. Still trying to survive days that feel repetitive and uncertain. Still carrying questions I thought I would’ve answered by now.

Hayyy, Lord. Sorry na kung ang gulo ko. Tagal kong pinag-pray ito, ’tas nung binigay Mo na, di pa rin ako masaya. Buti na lang andiyan Ka to guide me. Baka lalo akong mabaliw kung wala Ka.

One month pa lang ako rito. Owkayyyy, kalma. Looking forward to whatever you’ve got in store for me, Saudi.

[sameoldboringstrokes]

There’s something painful about seeing time move forward while you feel like you haven’t moved at all.

[sameoldboringstrokes]

How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?

I thought coming here would help me escape the feeling of being stuck. Instead, it feels like I’m sinking deeper into it every day. I’m constantly tired, even though my work barely drains me physically. I keep searching for a way out of this labyrinth in my mind, but every path seems to lead me back to the same place.