Bliss - Ch 26
The morning brings about an eerie wind chill.
My blanket has become a replica of frozen sawdust. The material feels pulverized, poked with millions of tiny, microscopic holes. The spaces in which the material has torn is where most of the cold prevails. There’s no one else in this bed with me, so I am the only person this algor can attack.
It has no other choice.
Today is Friday. That means the weekend begins after school lets out. I don’t have any plans to look forward to. I’m just delighted over the aspect of not waking up early for two days. My nights will not be filled with care-taking, soothing bruises, or calming wild emotions.
Time is completely in my hands now. I can do with it whatever I please, yet sleeping is the only activity that sounds alluring to me. I feel at ease when I close my eyes and halfway exist.
I’ll go to school, come home, and sleep in my wintry bed.
Hopefully, my limbs will not succumb to hypothermia.
The house is quiet when I step into the hallway. It’s an alternate universe if compared to last night. I couldn’t even fall asleep because it was so loud downstairs. The sound of frantic twins and never-ending cries took over all the silent places, broadcasting Laurent’s dejection and Larry’s efforts to soothe him.
After saying my part, I left the twins to their own vices. Like I’d told them, I did not care if they stayed in the house. They were Gavin’s friends long before they became the loves of my life, so it was not my place to banish them from this residence completely.
At least, that’s what I tell myself.
Unprepared for me to abandon them, they had no other place to go on such a whim. It was not safe to venture to their own house without first knowing if their father was present, and Laurent had been too unstable to take to the streets yesterday. The extenuating circumstances left me with no other choice, but to listen to them decay beneath me.
I’d wondered if they’d expected my mind to change. If they had, I wanted my refusal to leave my bedroom to erase those expectations. There was nothing they could say or do to appease me at this point. My trust in them had been sawed apart with a rusty razor, making the actual process of disseverment violent and agonizing.
Not only did my trust no longer exist; my hope and faith had vanished as well. There was nothing left of me but anger, pain, and disappointment. Whenever I caught a glimpse of my reflection, I thought I could see the dull spot within my eyes where the optimism used to glow.
Now as I peer into the foggy, bathroom mirror I see an unfamiliar girl.
Unexplored, fragmented anomaly...
She’s tired and broken. Her heart has been shredded into confetti. For the first time, in a long time, I want to use my energy helping her. I want to figure out what she needs and what she wants, and I want to comfort her until she no longer feels like smiling is just a way of playing dress-up.
I tell myself that I’m going to be Bliss again someday, and even though I don’t believe it right now, I know that I will start to believe it sooner or later.
I do not want to go to school today. There are two people that I’m not ready to face yet. My standoff with the twins has left me unprepared for another battle, but there are things that I must say to certain people in order for me to rest.
Aja is one of those people.
She’s the main person actually. Me and her have a lot of unspoken words lodged between us. I have put aside years’ worth of frustration in order to preserve our friendship. I assume she’s kept her tongue between her teeth a lot through these years as well. It’s always been obvious that she doesn’t like me. I just never had the heart to confront her about it.
There’s not really a resolution I’m searching for. It would be nice if she could tell me “why”. That’s all I want to know. I think I deserve an explanation. A real one, not one where she tries to act innocent and avoid the question. I really want to know what I did to make her dislike me, and why she felt the need to hurt me so callously.
Was her animosity really that serious?
Did it make her feel better in the end?
Of course, I know that actually getting a sound answer out of her is far-fetched. She’s not the type of person that’s accustomed with telling the truth. Aja’s a coward who tries to act brave, and that’s all she ever will be.
Knowing that, I will have to settle with getting answers from the other person I have to talk to. These are not the same type of answers I need from Aja. With Ethan, I just want clarification. I’ll apologize for throwing myself at him yesterday, and then I’ll ask him why he hadn’t kissed me back.
Not even for just a second --- to see if he liked the way it felt.
My heart throbs as I think about him. He’s the closest thing to comfort that I have right now. I don’t want Ethan to be upset with me, or to suspect that I’m using him to fill my voids. That’s not true. I don’t want be to him what the twins were to me. My intention is not to use him up.
I just revel in his company.
The walk to the bus stop isn't a pleasant one. I feel sluggish in my feet and restless in my torso.
The two sensations do not mix. They are not very inviting towards each other. At some moments, one is more prominent and the other wafts to the background. There is never one moment where they both cease however. Neither is there a moment when one exists without the other. They're mortal enemies, yet they stick together.
The sluggishness is because I haven't gotten enough sleep. The last two days have interrupted my slumber. The restlessness is because I'm expecting to find Aja at the street corner, standing closer to our other classmates than she ever has before.
Surprisingly, she is not.
Aja has decided to forego school altogether today. I wonder only momentarily if I had something to do with her reasoning, then I remind myself of who I am. Aja has never been intimidated or thwarted by me. Being present to see the new sadness I’ve taken on is probably at the top of Aja’s bucket-list. She’s might even be disappointed that she had to miss it.
I’m relieved that she is not here, and I inhale my first easy breath of the day.
The sensation in my torso becomes milder as I reach the actual stop.
Soft recline, tranquilizing…
…
It was the last day of tenth grade when Larry referred to me as his girlfriend for the first time.
My birthday had just passed a couple of months earlier, finally giving me the years I’d so desperately yearned for. I was a sixteen year old girl who’d felt much closer to womanhood than childhood. The twins showed up to my house that day with a new car, and they took me to almost every candy shop in Paris.
It was magical.
Their presence in my life was already a constant. I saw them most nights and sometimes during the day, but getting to spend the entire day with them had done something to me. It made me realize that the twins, their company, and their safety were the only three things I’d ever need in life to be happy. It was such a simple formula, yet acquiring a sound solution with that formula was not
The twins came and went like breezes of the wind. I could never hold them down for very long. I’d complain of their absence every time I saw them again, turning my face violet-blue from the amount of oxygen it took to get my point across. When Larry finally grew tired of my constant griping, he opted to pick me up from school twice a week.
It wasn’t much of a budge on his end, but I enjoyed the car ride with him and his twin.
Every once in awhile I could convince them to come inside when Larry would pull in front of my house, and they would end up devoting the rest of their day to me. Baking cookies, telling stories, and watching lousy television shows took our hours. It was times like those that showed me how much I actually loved them.
I sought to recreate the magical moments every chance I got. I assumed the last day of school would be a great time to do so. I’d asked Larry to pick me up that day specifically, planning to tell him of all the things I’d like to do with him and Lau during the summer days ahead.
Aja and I had walked out of the school building with high aspirations. We were both excited that school was over. I’d invited her to come along because she had been talking about Laurent non-stop all week. Through her ceaseless raving, I learned that she and him had sex during one of Pom’s parties.
I was shocked at first and horrified later.
Some time ago, she’d told me that Laurent asked her to hang out. I didn’t think much of it then. I’d been too focused on my struggles with Larry. When she revealed what transpired between them, I immediately went to Laurent to hear his side of things.
The horror seeped into my system when I sat down with Lau. I’d noticed distinct differences in the way he and Aja recalled the event. My poor friend made her account of things with a light, airy voice. She’d mistaken Lau’s desperation for interest. She made their time together sound lovely. Laurent on the other hand, spoke of Aja as a number, an experience.
His voice held no inkling of longevity and that had certainly concerned me.
That’s why I figured it wouldn’t hurt if she came to my house to hang-out. Maybe it would give her a peace of mind. I had firsthand experience with worrying over a boy. It made your head crazy, especially if you didn’t know how he really felt about you.
Unfortunately, my intentions hadn’t played out the way I’d wanted them to.
When we walked out of the building, the first thing we saw was Larry. He’d parked his car against the curb across the street from the school. The wheels were crooked and half-turnt rather than parallel. I’d chuckled to myself because Larry reminded me a lot of that car.
He was never straight. The path he walked was slightly haphazard. That was just who he was. Complicated and topsy-turvy. Still, I couldn’t help smiling when his dark eyes landed on mine.
He was always so intense.
His hair was twisted and tucked underneath a royal blue snap-back. Despite the warm weather, he wore a blue and white letterman. The sleeves were pushed up to his elbows, revealing the black arm-warmers he wore beneath them. His pants were made of denim, and his shoes, his favorite shoes, were black, teal, and gray.
He pulled his neck-warmer up over his mouth, and opened his arms to me upon my approach. I blushed at how open he was. I was still getting used to his new, affectionate ways. Larry had gotten me accustomed to his closed-off self.
Now, he was anything but.
“Bliss Baby.” He said, causing me to flash him a fake frown.
Ever since I’d declared my new and improved maturity on my sixteenth birthday; he and Lau had taken to teasing me about my age. They’d grabbed ahold of my name and added several different variations to it, emphasizing the youthfulness that I hated about myself. So now, Bliss became “Bliss Baby” or “Baby Bliss”. Sometimes, they’d say “Princess Girl” and pack the word girl with a whole lot of taunting and mischief.
I’d respond by calling Larry “Baby Boy” and Laurent “Baby Love”. Though the nicknames stemmed from our shenanigans, they were centered around love. It was our thing. It became something that no one else could share with us, so whenever they called me by one of those names I couldn’t help but swoon.
“Baby Boy.” I said lightly. “Where’s your brother?”
He wrapped his arms around the back of me and pulled me to his chest. I inhaled his fresh, natural scent and the cologne that absorbed within his clothes. His embrace lifted my spirit high into the sky and almost sent me soaring. I locked my arms around his slender waist and relished as his lips met my cheek.
“My twin over there.” His response made me pull away, as I turned to follow the direction Larry gestured towards.
Me, him, and Aja looked across the street where the school buses collected. There we found Laurent talking to Jessica, one of the upperclassmen from our school. He was smiling and telling her silly jokes, which was something he did to all of the pretty girls around Sarcelles.
My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach as I switched my attention onto Aja. The look on her face was kind of peculiar. Her eyes were dark and stormy, but her lips were twisted with acceptance. I could sense her disappointment, yet it did not appear to be profound.
Either she was really good at disguising it on her face, or she just was so familiar with it that it no longer affected her. I couldn’t really decide which option I preferred for her. They both were equally devastating, and Aja didn’t deserve that.
She was way too pretty, way too special.
I was about to apologize to her on Laurent’s behalf. I didn’t know what he told her the night they spent together, but it must have been convoluted and worded quite confusingly for Aja to still be so riveted. Then again, Lau was a sweet-talker. Every word he spoke was smooth like ocean waves. They were light like the color sky-blue. Each syllable was polished, undisturbed water.
He wouldn’t have had to say much for Aja to drown.
“Boys like kissing different girls.” She said, grasping my attention. “That’s just the way they are.”
Aja always spoke like she knew exactly what she was talking about. Her knowingness was daunting sometimes. I was aware that there were things she was wrong about. But this didn’t seem to be one of those things.
Actually, I thought this was one of the only things she’d ever gotten right.
I’d seen evidence of her claim through Larry, Lau, and Gavin. Over the years, I’d witnessed them kissing several different girls. The three of them had turned my living room into a kissing sanctuary. All at once, and each on separate occasions, I’d seen them kissing plenty of times.
My heart quivered a bit and I was suddenly filled with hesitation. I saw Larry a lot during the week, but there were times when he did not show up at my doorstep. What he did during those times was unknown to me. I could picture him out being bad without effort.
Larry and I had never discussed terms with each other. I just figured we both were on the same page. He was the only boy I kissed, the only boy I slept with, and the only boy I loved. It was the natural way of things for me. All I could do was hope the same went for him, but the odd looks Lylah flashed me in the hallways would say otherwise.
I was glad that this was her last year at school. That way I wouldn’t be reminded of our silent rivalry every time we happened to cross each other. She was a constant reminder that I was only one of the girls who wanted Larry to herself. The talk I had with my brother seeped into my head frequently and furthered my discrepancies about him.
“That true only for girls like you.” Larry spoke, bringing both mine and Aja’s eyes onto him.
She looked at him with a pout. I wondered if she knew how he felt about her. Looking at his face, there was nothing particularly distinguishable. He peered at Aja with boredom, as if he were unimpressed by her presence as a whole.
I had a feeling that I should stop the conversation before it became troublesome, but Aja was ready to respond as soon as the words left Larry’s lips.
“What do you mean by that?” She questioned, as if she were an aggressive interviewer.
Larry simply lifted his shoulders. I took a step away from him so I could view him more
objectively. His face was the same and so was his body language. Everything about him was completely careless, even his voice.
Aja was the opposite of Larry. She was good at hiding her disappointment but not her anger. She had her lips turned down and her eyes narrowed. I tried to anticipate Larry’s next words so I could measure their damage potential. I knew it didn’t matter what was going to come out of his mouth. He had already offended Aja.
He bore Aja’s blackened expression no mind. “Girls like Gabriella kiss a boy one times and he never again wanna kiss another girl.”
My heart smiled before my lips did. His sweet words captured me. Larry never, ever talked about how he felt. For him to admit this in front of Aja; it was just absolutely ground-breaking. I took in a gust of warm, spring air. I had to steady myself to prevent the earthquakes in my bones from toppling me over.
Aja didn’t like that Larry had compared her to me. It actually enraged her. I hadn’t understood the contrast that Larry was making between us back then. I wasn’t sure if Aja understood it either, but her chocolate skin burned with ire. I waited for her to melt away, drip by drip, but she didn’t.
She actually became colder. Her dark, mahogany eyes froze. Not on Larry --- on me. “Then why do you still kiss Lylah?”
I’d suddenly felt like somebody kicked me in the chest. All of the air in my system came gushing out of my lungs. My eyes widened and sought Larry’s out. He wasn’t looking at me though. His attention was trained solely on Aja.
The funny thing was that there was no guilt on his face. Nothing that she’d said so far had disturbed him. The hold he had over his composure hadn’t become any less startling over time. I waited for something in his demeanor to crack, to reveal the truth to me. Larry however, kept his facial expression unbothered and his body language untouchable.
“You see me kiss Lylah?” He asked drolly, tilting his head to view Aja at a very judgmental angle.
Her voice was small when she replied. “No.”
I was shocked by her answer because I assumed she’d actually seen Larry kiss Lylah with her own eyes. There had been many parties since Larry and I had gotten closer. Lylah went to most of the same parties that the twins attended. If Aja hadn’t seen Larry kiss her there, then she wouldn’t really know if Larry was still involved with Lylah.
It’s not like he would tell her. Lau wouldn’t tell her either. I started to question why Aja would say something so devastating if she did not know whether it was one-hundred percent true. She knew how deeply I felt about Larry.
Why would she want to mess that up?
Larry scoffed at her meek answer, breaking my thoughts into bits and pieces. “Then how you know somethings you don’t see?”
She was quiet for a little while, and he took her silence as a cue to continue his point. I’d been gauging her reaction when he reached for me. I was surprised and unprepared as he tugged me towards him, pressing his soft lips against my own.
He gave me a quick kiss, but kept me close when he’d pulled away. Aja was staring at us in disbelief. She was staring at us in a lot of ways actually. Her eyes were red like fire; her brows knitted and mushed together. I could see her teeth through her lips because the top one was curled in displeasure. Her nose was screwed up, as if she’d smelled something disgusting, but the only thing surrounding us were blooming flowers.
Looking at her, I felt extremely bad. I didn’t want Larry throwing our connection in her face for the sake of proving her wrong. Making her feel any worse wouldn’t fix the situation, but Larry wasn’t quite ready to stop yet.
“You see me kiss, Bliss?” He asked rhetorically, lifting an eyebrow.
“Yes.”
“Then she the only girl I kiss.”
Aja looked at him balefully. I couldn’t get why she wouldn’t just drop it. “But you…”
Larry quickly grew tired of discussing the matter with her. I could see his desire to prove a point shifting into annoyance. He huffed and his vexation tainted the oxygen. I held my breath and waited to see what he would say, but my brain kept yelling at me to stop him from responding.
“Aja, you never know what you talk of.” He snapped. “If you don’t know, you should shut up.”
“Larry!” I hit him in the chest with the back of my hand. “That’s mean.”
The intrusion of my voice grasped them both. They looked at me, equally alarming with their gazes. The only difference between them is that Larry’s glare softened when his eyes collided with mine. Aja kept her mean stare, letting me know that it was especially for me.
I peered at Larry with disapproval, hoping to lessen Aja’s gall. “Don’t talk to my friend like that.”
He accepted my order without protest. I was relieved that he decided to let the conversation rest. Larry wasn’t one to get into altercations anyway. I never quite understood why Aja bothered him so much.
It went quiet around us. The only thing I could hear were our breathing patterns and the sound of school buses pulling off down the winding, one-way road. My relief began to settle around the edges of my heart. I was sure the dispute was finally over.
Only moments later, I realized the tranquil quiet had fooled me.
Aja wasn’t ready to let the conversation die. Not at all. She squared her shoulders and jutted out her chin indignantly. “Why are you so defensive all the time?”
Her assertion was wrong. Larry was never defensive. You could insult him in a million different ways and he would never try to counter your opinion. Only on rare occasions did he feel the need to defend himself. This was one of those occasions.
“I don’t like how you tell Bliss stupid stuff.” He told her his answer without hesitation, staring her straight in the eyes.
Aja was upset about his response again. I could see her getting angrier and angrier by the second. I prayed for her to drop the issue and just move on. But she didn’t. She couldn’t. There was something inside of her that would not rest until she backed Larry into a corner. She was trying so hard to get a rise out of him, but she only ended up aggravating herself in the process.
Her eyes were rugged daggers. They shot back and forth between Larry and I, dissecting us both right down the middle. I wanted to remind her that I had nothing to do with this conversation. I knew she had a habit of taking her anger out on everyone, not just the person who caused it.
She opened her mouth, and like I’d expected, spited us both. “It’s not like she’s your girlfriend.”
Silence filled the space the three of us were taking up for the umpteenth time. There was nothing I could say to that or Larry really for that matter. We didn’t talk about our relationship when we were together. Instead, we spent our time loving each other. I felt like what was understood didn’t need to be explained, and I understood every single thing I felt for Larry.
From the weariness to the all-consuming love.
Of course, I would have liked for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. It would have surely pacified my fears. But even though he hadn’t; I didn’t think any less of him. Whether or not he considered me his girlfriend, he still spent most of his free time with me.
He still slept in my bed and kept me warm --- that meant more to me than any title.
Larry sneered at Aja’s gratification and tightened his grip around my waist. “She is my girlfriend.”
I went deaf after that. My head snapped back so I could study his features. I couldn’t believe what he’d said. I wasn’t sure if he’d spoken it to stop Aja from winning the argument, or if he actually meant the words.
Again, his features were absolutely unreadable.
“But…”
“She will be my wife one day too.” He deepened my astonishment and Aja’s too. We were both left with dumbfounded looks on our faces. I had no idea where any of this stuff was coming from. “And you still will know nothing.”
Aja was practically fuming now. This was the most upset I’d ever seen her. It was the most upset I’d ever seen anyone. I could imagine steam trickling out of her ears. Her body was an enraged locomotive, hot and hazy on the inside, and made of brumal steel on the outside.
I had no idea what to say at this point. My head was still reeling at what Larry had said. I continued to look in Aja’s direction because I knew I might’ve cried if I’d looked at Larry. My friend gawked at Larry for a long time without speaking. A multitude of emotions re-arranged her face.
There were so many that I could not decipher them all. The three that stood out the most planted themselves within my psyche: bemusement, enmity, and longing. I wanted to come up with reasons for why she might have felt each of these. I didn’t have to think for long. Aja handed me detailed explanations through her next deposit of words.
“Why do you like her so much?” Her voice and her face were both riddled with confusion.
Behind her eyes, I saw anger and yearning. All three of her emotions took new forms, each equally desperate to be put to rest. She wanted an answer to her odd question, but I knew before she did that Larry would not give her one.
These weren’t the type of questions that he answered willingly. Knowing that, I was aware that his evasion would only infuriate Aja more. It was way too late for me to jump into the conversation now, so I stayed quiet and held my breath for Larry’s comeback.
“Why you so worried for Bliss life? Who she kiss. Who she fuck. Who wanna be she boyfriend?”
His voice was packed tight with irritation. I’d wanted to tell him to calm down. This entire situation had escalated beyond its appropriate measure. We were all supposed to get in his car, ride to my house, and have fun until the stars came out.
Instead, we were standing on the sidewalk bickering over a complete misunderstanding.
The misunderstanding was not birthed by words. It was created within the two people who stood near me. They were the misunderstanding. Larry and Aja did not get each other. They didn’t comprehend each other’s point of view. That fact put me into a very uncomfortable position because I understood them both.
Aja was just upset because Laurent was flirting with another girl. She was the type who got attached easily. If she let you sleep in her bed, then that meant she really liked you. I could empathize with her because I was dealing with an identical boy, one with the same flighty tendencies as his brother.
Larry was upset because Aja had questioned his integrity, and maybe because he already didn’t favor her as a person. He didn’t like people saying things that might have left an ugly impression on me. That’s why he’d gotten so angry when Gavin had mocked his feelings. He barely ever let his feelings show, so when people made fun of them it inflamed him.
“Why you never worry for you self?” He asked harshly, eyeing Aja with an impenetrable glare.
She didn’t seem like she knew how to answer his question the right way. I thought there were many answers to say, and Aja said the one I hadn’t been planning to hear. “I already know everything about myself.”
Larry didn’t like her answer. He scoffed and turned his back on us. I didn’t move my head to watch him retreat. I could hear him getting inside of his car, refusing to supply us with a proper ending to this conversation. His presence disappeared and he left me and Aja without anything to do but stare at each other.
Her expression was grim; mines was knowing.
I had a feeling that her self was what she actually knew the least about.
Yet, I said nothing.
...
My day at school has been the equivalent of a shooting star.
Vanishing.
Blue-streaked.
Before I know it, I am sitting in the cafeteria by myself. The room feels tinier than it once had. More cramped. Hotter. I glance around and find everybody doing what they always do. No one else seems bothered. I must be the only one who senses the change. Only the melancholy can tell when the world is growing smaller.
I’m about to lay my head down when I see a flash of blue out of my peripheral. I raise my eyes and I’m welcomed by a lovely secret. My astonishment floods me as I perk up. I had not expected to see his face. I was sure that he’d turned himself invisible like Aja, but here he is flashing me grey exuberance through his eyes.
"Gabriella..." I note that he’s called me by my real name again, causing my glee to sink.
He must still be bewildered from yesterday.
I watch him pull out an empty chair. This time he doesn’t choose the one directly beside me. His expression is pensive and precarious. I want to unscrew the top of his head and delve into his brain, enriching myself in his thoughts --- both positive and negative.
Once he sits, he doesn’t say anything. His eyes roam over my face, but they do not reveal what they’re searching for. His lips loosen as if he’s about to speak, but they twine and warp around his words. The voice at the back of his throat stays inaudible. I sink even further because I’m dying to know that he has to say.
Suddenly, I remember my plan from earlier this morning.
I’m the one who needs to talk to him. My goal is supposed to be clarification. The apology and the question take an elevator from my heart, and travel up my oceanic bloodstream. I feel the weight of them in my system, until they reach their destination on my tongue.
I sigh and send him all of my earnesty. "I'm sorry, Ethan."
"You don't have to apologize."
"I didn't mean for that to happen." I say. "My emotions got the best of me."
"People are always searching for antidotes to their pain." He responds wistfully, offering me a smile that expresses his understanding.
My chest lightens and gives my heart more room to beat. This boy makes me happy. Despite everything that’s happened, his presence is still enough to make me smile. I think about the kiss and I want so badly to know why he hadn’t returned the affection.
I reach my hand across the table and touch his. "You're my antidote."
Ethan doesn’t pull away from my gesture, but he glances down at our hands disapprovingly.
"I didn't just reject you because I don't feel that way about you, Gabriella." He says softly, raising his eyes to peer at me. His voice is another soft rejection. “I know that you're confused right now, and don't really know what to do with yourself. I just want to tell you that you're going to find the path that's meant for you."
He nods his head slowly, convincing himself that what he’s saying is the absolute truth. "Everything you're facing now is going to get easier. Time heals it all, so allow time to do that."
I retract my hand and sit back. "What is it about me?"
Ethan does not respond. He waits to speak, as if he’s asking me to define my question further. I don’t know how to ask him eloquently. Words roll and bounce around in my head. I try to order them in a way that’s modest and completely coherent, but I quickly decide that it’s best to be blunt about this matter.
"Why don't you feel that way about me?" I ask , unable to hold back my curiosity.
“I want to answer your question.” He mumbles, letting his voice die underneath the idle cafeteria chatter. "Can I tell you a story?"
"Of course."
He smiles a little at my willingness, but shortly after his mouth plummets. "Do you remember when you asked me if I've ever loved someone?"
"Yes."
"I told you that I did and you asked me if it was a romantic thing."
"Yes."
"It wasn't romantic. Far from it actually." He livens as he speaks, drawing me in with the magnetic sound of his voice. "I was talking about my sister."
I am both interested and surprised. His shifting emotions have successfully captivated me. In a matter of seconds, he’s gone from wistful, to happy, to sullen. I find it odd that up until now he’s never mentioned any sibling besides Eric. I have to infer that this is a sensitive subject for him, so I prepare my heart to become soft again, only for him.
"You and Eric have a sister?" I question, watching his expression for any answer that might unknowingly reveal itself.
Ethan shakes his head to denounce my question. His eyes gloss over with regret. I try not to take on his pain, but it absorbs into me by force. My chest constricts and spasms, compressing my lungs and their functions. I can no longer breathe in this stale, cafeteria air. I feel a rumble in my stomach, but I hold my breath and ignore it.
I wait for Ethan to speak but he remains silent. He appears to be reminiscing, yet somehow, I imagine that he’s actually just trying to find the strength to speak about this matter.
His gaze abruptly shifts, from the table to the floor, then back to the table again. "We used to have a sister."
I am distracted from the meaning of his words, by the struggle to force his eyes back onto mine. His eyes are violet-grey, the pupils nearly lost in the iris, the fringe of dark lashes tinged with the same cocoa brown that weaves through his hair.
I pause, carefully forming my tone before I speak, concealing curiosity behind concern. "What happened?"
My question seems to throw him; not because it is blunt in an inquiring sense, but because Ethan’s attention is not entirely focused on me. He keeps drifting away and when I pull him back it’s a bit disorienting. His brows lift as he leans back upon his seat. After several seconds, he begins to speak, the words spilling from his mouth almost unwillingly.
"My family used to live in Paris. I liked it better there. It was my mom, my dad, and my siblings. We were a very close-knit family, and we basically lived a very normal life."
His explanation starts off light and it answers one of the questions I’ve held for him. Before this year, I hadn’t even known that Ethan existed. Sarcelles is the type of neighborhood where everyone knows everyone, or at least knows of everyone. The way Ethan popped onto the scene so suddenly always intrigued me.
Now, I know that he is not from Sarcelles.
He was born in the city of love and dreams. That must be why he’s so whimsical. I’m glad to see that the hood hasn’t made him into a captive. Looking at him, I can’t picture him being stuck in this place. After graduation he’ll probably leave and never look back.
"My dad worked at a bakery, and my mother taught online writing classes. We were cool. I never had any problems growing up, never really faced any hardships. Things started to change when I turned sixteen though."
I allow him to speak to me without interruptions. I don’t open my mouth to comment or ask monotonous questions. I give him the floor and let him know that I might not be the best listener, but I’m going to try my hardest for him.
Open ears, numinous audience...
"She was fourteen at the time and Eric was seventeen." Ethan’s lips quirk with a little bit of happiness, his gaze glittering as he regards me across the table.
I am relieved that he’s finally looking at me. I offer him a warm smile and encourage him to continue his intriguing tale. "Okay, what happened?"
As fast as his happiness arrives; it departs. The realignment of moods is not a smooth transition. It doesn’t happen all at once. The first thing that falls is his mouth. The half-way smile plummets without direction, leaving his lips sagging with dejection. I watch his eyes crinkle in the corner, tightening with a need to stay durable and resolute.
One by one his features create antonyms of a former happiness — and beauty.
"My dad cheated on my mom with one of his co-workers."
I immediately feel sympathy for Ethan’s mother. I know what it’s like to be the victim of infidelity. It already hurts enough to have the person you trust most betray you, but for them to drag your children into the mess is entirely unforgivable.
My heart tries to harden around the edges to prepare for whatever devastation Ethan will reveal next. I understand that this is not a happy story. Still, I can’t stop myself from hoping Ethan will surprise me with a happy ending.
I try to remain soft where I can. "That must have hit your family hard."
His sadness swiftly shifts to anger. He’s nodding his head without even realizing that he’s unconsciously answering my question. Ethan begins to twist his fingers around each other, as if he needs to give his hands something to do. I think if the limbs weren’t warped together, he’d be balling them into tight fists.
"It did but not because he cheated on my mom. He packed all of his stuff and left us too. I'm not even sure where his decision stemmed from. One day we were a happy family, and the next day everything fell apart."
His voice gets rougher and rougher. I study him as he speaks, watching for the barbed wire that has situated on the sides of his tongue. I’m not sure if Ethan’s anger is directed towards his father, or the path his life took after his father left. With him, it’s hard to tell where his emotions begin and end.
He hasn’t gotten around to dropping his gaze yet, which I’ve noticed is something he does when he feels overwhelmed. Therefore, I must conclude that his anger isn’t as profound as his sadness. I know that dilemma all too well.
Anger fades like old scars on fresh skin.
It starts off deep and blistered, oozing and dripping. Anger makes you hot. It incases you within an inferno. The fury sucks away your oxygen, providing fuel to the dark, gray clouds of smoke you have to inhale. You choke and die inside long before the flames destroy you.
That’s why anger is easier. The fire always reduces to lazy embers over time. Even forest fires can be put to rest. While the flames waver and die, you’ll already be numb to the heat.
Sadness lingers.
Always.
"We couldn't afford our house with my mother's income alone, and she didn't want us getting jobs to help pay the bills. Especially not me. She was real strict about my education. She always told me that I was academically inclined, which was really just her way of making me feel better when I complained about not being able to dance like Eric."
I can’t help a burst of laughter at his obvious self-mockery. His mentioning of his brother is the only part of his sentence that does not reverberate with distaste. "So, that's why you moved to Sarcelles?"
To my surprise, he appears equally amused, a half smile tilting his mouth. "Yeah."
"I'm assuming the move didn't go well for your family."
Like all of his other emotions, the brief spell of joy is fleeting. His smile turns itself inside out, leaving deep impressions of strain on his face. I wish so badly that I could reach out and soothe the skin where it is taut, but Ethan is never fully accustomed to my softness when I offer it to him.
I remain quiet and to myself, giving Ethan the motivation to keep speaking. His voice isn’t necessarily troubled when he begins to speak through his next batch of words. I note that instead of anger or sadness, the emotion that babysits his tone is a form of thoughtfulness.
"My mother was really broken up about it, but she tried to stay strong for us. I was mostly just confused. I didn't understand how my father could just up and leave us like that. It didn't make sense to me."
Ethan still looks confused to me. He’s probably spent the last couple of years searching for the answers to his questions, but hasn’t had much luck finding them. He reminds me a lot of myself. Of course, our situations are more different than they are alike. My struggles with Larry however, have opened me up to a lot of different emotions and experiences. I don’t think I could listen to someone tell a story of melancholy and not relate.
"Eric was mad. He changed after my dad left. I watched him go from a regular kid to someone angry inside. It was like he was always upset. Every day. Every night. I think being abandoned hardened his heart, and that's why he got caught up in the streets."
For a moment, my mind drifts away from this lovely-secret boy. I decide to lend some time recalling the ordeal that happened between this boy’s brother and Larry. I remember seeing Eric in Paris and wondering why he was so mean, why he was such a bully.
I hadn’t given myself the opportunity to come up with a background story for him. I simply thought that he was a bad person, and I never gave his character a second thought. I shouldn’t have been so black-and-white with my perspective. The world we live in is never just black-and-white. The people who try to make it that way are dis-servicing those like Eric who have to live in the gray area.
"The only person who could make him soften up was Elizabeth."
The name rolls off of Ethan’s tongue with adoration, so I can’t help repeating it back. "Elizabeth..."
He grins at the affection I wrap around her name. I like the way it sounds when I speak it also. It’s like he’s finally given me a secret to keep for him. I instantly feel closer to Ethan for sharing this story with me. Even though he’s not finished, my body is filling with honor and love from what I already know. This moment is special to me.
"She had a pure aura around her. Lizzy was the type of person who could brighten anybody's day. She was always helping somebody and seeing the good in people."
Ethan keeps talking about Elizabeth with high regard. His lovely description of her makes all of it real to me. I listen with intent ears as he reveals his love on all the levels it surpasses.
"She was the only person who hadn't blamed my dad." He looks like he wants to frown but he doesn’t, as if he knows she would reprimand him for doing so. “Her explanation for his departure was that the heart craved adventure, and that it wasn't fair to keep something so powerful contained."
"Wow." I say quietly, allowing her words to enter my soul.
I wish I could have heard her say this with my own ears. A few months ago, hearing those words would have reignited my passions. I probably wouldn’t be so depleted right now. Hope is sometimes all a person needs, and Elizabeth seems to have been filled with it. She has a beautiful spirit. The way he talks about her is so indicative of that. It’s no wonder he’s such a lovely person.
"Yeah, the way she viewed life was poetic." He looks at me pointedly, sighing as his mood begins to fluctuate again. "But she was often fooled by her aspirations."
Ethan doesn’t clarifying whether or not he’s comparing his sister to me. I don’t think he is but something about the way he’s speaking makes me feel as though there’s a lesson to be learned within his words. I try to listen to him objectively, forcing my emotions to take a seat behind my logic. I know my heart and brain interpret things differently.
"My sister met this guy from our neighborhood. He was a thug and caught up in the fast-life, but of course she saw the potential in him. They started spending a lot of time together. I think he was intrigued by her. She wasn't like the other girls in Sarcelles."
Ethan is looking directly at me. I can’t read the emotion on his face. It’s a concoction of sadness, anger, and disappointment. I still don’t know if he’s trying to reach me with his words, but I’ve been irrevocably captured and affected, even if that isn’t his primary intention.
I remember myself very clearly as a fourteen year old girl, chasing Larry around Sarcelles for the sake of his love. It’s both sad and inspiring that I’m not the only person who has been through this experience. I watch Ethan’s face and there’s nothing hopeful within his expression. This saddens me more because I would hate to hear that love didn’t wind up saving Elizabeth in the end.
"The closer they got to each other, the less I saw her around the house. It troubled me because I was already concerned about Eric's involvement in the streets. I didn't want my little sister around that stuff, but she was really in love with that dude. She couldn't stay away from him."
His eyes gloss over and he is transported back to the past. I want to ask him what three years ago looks like through his eyes. I know there’s a lot of sorrow and grief there, but there has to be a little bit of light somewhere.
Otherwise, it wouldn’t even be a point in telling this story.
"One day they were together and she was shot and killed during a drive-by." His words crash into my torso and obliterate my heart. Though he’s been building up for this reveal, I wasn’t ready for it to be spoken into existence. I’m left horror-stricken and tongue-tied. "Her boyfriend was killed too." Ethan shakes his head regretfully. "It was over a dispute involving drugs and money."
"I'm so sorry, Ethan."
Ethan blows out an exasperated burst of air, shifting on his chair uncomfortably, his gaze lifting to the ceiling. I realize too late that he will not respond well to any indication of my sympathy, brow soothing just as he begins to speak again.
"It's okay." He says quietly. "She's okay, now."
My heart is pounding relentlessly because I do not know what to say. I learned from losing my parents that there’s nothing a person can really tell you to pacify your wounds. There’s never a right word or phrase. The middle of my tongue is dry where I would usually nurse comforting words.
I have to drop my eyes because I can’t bear to look at him. His torn up expression is too much for me. I’ve never felt more helpless before. I can literally feel Ethan’s loss wafting between the space that separates us. It’s consuming to the point where I can’t even distinguish my own.
He reaches across the table and touches the top of my hand. I raise my eyes. First, to his touch. Then, to his face. There’s a difference between the way his aura floats around him now. Sure, there’s still suffering in the way that he breathes. His exhales seem to be a lot less haphazard though.
Easy.
In and out.
Velvety.
"She's probably in heaven really enamored over the romance of the 'til death do we part' scenario."
Ethan smiles with an acceptance he must have accustomed over time. The promise in his gesture sends chills down my spine. I want to pull away from his touch and wrap my arms around myself, but I end up wrapping my fingers around his own and gripping him unyieldingly.
I hold his hand within my own with an intention to never let go. "I'm so, so sorry."
His smile expands across his face. I’m so perplexed by him and by how I should be feeling right now. Ethan’s story was sad and filled with longing, yet he regards me as if I should be fulfilled. I don’t know what I am. The only thing I can focus on is the pain he must have endured when he found out the most important person in his life was taken from him.
I don’t understand how he’s so forthcoming now. If he’d never told me this story, I would have never suspected that something so devastating happened in his life. He’s always so jubilant and light. His persona does not correspond with his experiences.
I want to ask him how he’s found the strength to not give up.
"I didn't tell you this story to make you sad." He says, showing me a genuineness that can not be mistaken. "I told you because I see my sister in you, Bliss."
I am extremely flattered but mostly astonished, picturing a girl with startling grey-eyes and brown hair sitting next to him. "How so?"
"Your light." His reply is simple. It fills me with glee. "Your forgiveness." He smiles at me. "The way you love."
"I..."
Ethan does not allow me to finish my sentence. I’m glad because my mind hadn’t thought of anything meaningful to say anyway. He sends me waves of acceptance and happiness, trying to lift me from the dolefulness I have absorbed.
His last cluster of words are the warmest.
"The way I feel for you is the way an older brother would feel for his little sister. I just want to protect you and see you smile. I wanna buy you candy, and talk to you about boys, and be there for you because I didn't get enough time to do that with my sister."
My questions from early are banished to the back of my head. I no longer wonder why he didn’t return my unexpected kiss from yesterday. I’m not confused or offended by his lack of attraction. I don’t feel slighted. Instead, I feel nothing but credit and esteem from being held in a similar light as his sister.
I’ve been to him a solace this whole time and I didn’t even know it.
"You're amazing." I say, promising to keep his secrets entwined with my heart.
I almost stop myself from promising, but I remember that Ethan and I can do this.
There are no rules between us.
Only honesty.
Healing.