#blogchelorpeter

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Ten Point Five aka Sweet Mercies Are In Endings

Here’s What Happened Tuesday

Proposals, breakups, Babs, photobooths, deeply hateful rhetoric, Kelley?

Let’s dive in, finale style.

The Proposal

Peter, a man left with one subpar option, employs a method that men have been employing for centuries of subpar options: willful self-delusion. He gives himself a Hannah Anna pep talk, chooses a ring from Neil Lane’s briefcase of mysteries, and facetimes Father Sluss to ask for his blessing.

Hannah Anna, faced with the knowledge of being potential second best, employs the method that women have been employing for centuries: just napping through it. Eventually she wakes up, now hours late for her proposal, and calls an Uber to drive her into the middle of the bush to meet Peter.

And thus commences the marriage proposal equivalent of someone going in for the handshake while the other goes in for the hug. Peter explains that his heart had been pulled in two different directions, but that Madison already left, he’s scared of his mom, and she’s his only remaining option. Hannah Anna emphatically accepts.

The Un-Proposal

A month later in LA, Hannah Anna sits on Peter’s lap while he tells her that he can’t give her his full heart. Hannah Anna takes off the ring which was never sized for her and gives it back to Peter. Hannah Anna has questions. How dare he take her precious first engagement from her? Why does he have a photobooth in his home? What kind of creepy shit is that?

Fast forward to now. Hannah Anna has spent weeks with her defense attorneys prepping for her After the Final Rose opening statements. Somehow she manages to flip the script of signing up for a reality TV show to not being given the full information of what her proposal acceptance would mean, and even more significantly, she gets Peter’s mother to provide a character testimony for her. Barbara, from the crowd, actively claps as Hannah Anna tells her son to take a long walk off a short pier.

The Madison Revival

Back in Alabama, Chris Harrison throws pebbles at Madison’s door until she lets him in. He informs her of the pending-to-unpending nuptials, then encourages her to fly to LA and rekindle the spark – a spark that died, I’ll remind you, because these are two completely incompatible people. But this time it miraculously sticks.

If looks could kill, Barb would have Madison lying dead on the live stage floor while Madison confesses that she still loves Peter. Dressed in her best funereal blacks, Barb vocalizes her deep detestation of Madison, a woman who made her wait three hours and didn’t even let her son get it. Madison smiles at her and reminds her that her son’s penis is not her only priority. And, after a season of pain, that’s basically where we leave it.

I need a drink.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Nine aka Two Layovers and One Cancelled Flight

Here’s What Happened Monday

It’s Fantasy Suites week, so you know what that means: Peter is ready to get in the cockpit and set his aircraft to full thrust.

Minor problem, though: Madison is a virgin and makes it very clear that she will not be comfortable if she finds out that Peter takes advantage of Fantasy Suites with the other two and – how should I put this? – parks his Airbus in anyone else’s terminal.

Let’s dive in.

Hannah Anna’s One-On-One

Hannah Anna arrives to the Gold Coast of Australia wearing the same lavender babydoll shirt she’s worn all season. Peter invites her to go jet skiing, which, I will note, is the first of three life-threating activity dates he will have to survive this week in order to earn his Fantasy Suites.

Later, at dinner, Peter reminds Hannah Anna of how much he is falling in love with her. Producing a single tear and trying her robotic best to mimic his display of human emotion, Hannah Anna almost convincingly offers reciprocity of love.

Feeling reassured, Peter hands Hannah Anna an invitation – not from himself, of course, but written by Chris Harrison – to join Peter in the Fantasy Suite. She accepts, and the two retreat to the hotel so they can, well, stow some oversized luggage in the undercarriage.

Victoria F’s One-On-One

Peter takes Victoria F. on a romantic helicopter flight over the Gold Coast while they test to see if they can last ten minutes without clawing each other’s eyes out. Peter attempts small talk (albeit, seemingly loaded small talk) by asking his potential future wife if she’s a fan of planes, relatively sure that she already knows he’s a pilot.  

Later, at dinner, Victoria F. claims that Peter is the first person who has ever expected adult conversation from her, and as such, it has made her deeply suspicious of his motives. Peter’s threshold for communication is so low that he is willing to accept any full sentences spoken at indoor voices as progress, so he Birdboxes himself from all the rest of Victoria F’s red flags.

As we all know, if ever there was one thing that can cure systemic relationship issues, it’s definitely televised sex. Thus, Peter invites Victoria F. back to the Fantasy Suite so he can, as the kids say, maneuver the jetbridge towards the fuselage.

Madison’s One-On-One

Peter, trying to be respectful of Madison’s desire to refrain from physical intimacy, takes her on a date to literally climb Australia’s largest phallic structure. Best case scenario, it changes Madison’s mind on phallus climbing. Second best case, they both die before they have to discuss it. 

But alas, at dinner, Madison explains to Peter that she is saving herself for marriage and will not accept an engagement in the same week that Peter has bung two other women. You can almost see the gears churning behind Peter’s eyes as he tries to find a way to claim that he’s pure without losing all the clout he earned from the windmill. 

Ultimately, our sweet Madison, adorned in silver sequined epilepsy trigger, stands her moral ground and leaves. Peter experiences his third rush of the week, but this time from heartbreak and Catholic guilt. 

Is she gone for good? For her sake, and Jesus’s, we have to hope so. Until next week!

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Eight aka Gonna Take My Hoes to the Hometown Road

Here’s What Happened Monday

Four Hometown dates, two homicidal fathers, one ex, one blowout and… Iowa.

Let’s dive in.

Hannah Anna’s Hometown – Knoxville, Tennessee

Peter, a privileged white-collar pilot from a long line of privileged white-collar pilots, must prove his ability to garner sufficient blue-collar street cred with Hannah Anna’s lumberjack father. The only way to achieve this is, naturally, to visit a commercial axe-throwing establishment whose wall reads “channel the flannel.” Peter hits a bullseye after forty-three attempts and earns the first callous of his life.

Next, Peter meets Hannah Anna’s family. Her mother looks like every drunk mom I’ve ever seen dancing in the aisle at an Avett Brothers concert. Her sister looks like 2005 JoJo with eyes and excessive highlighter twinkling in the camera lights.

Later, when Peter asks Hannah Anna’s father for permission to marry his daughter, he considers bludgeoning Peter to death with a log he chopped himself.

On the front porch, Hannah Anna tells Peter she loves him. Peter replies, “I love… hearing that.”

Kelsey’s Hometown – Des Moines, Iowa

Since good old-fashion binge drinking in a corn field seems too low-brow for an Iowa Hometown, Kelsey and Peter go binge drinking at a local winery. Kelsey tells Peter she loves him, but we will only be able to test the sincerity of this admission in a few years when it comes time to drink the wine that Peter stomped with his bare, disgusting feet.

Later, we meet Kelsey’s family. Her mother’s testimonials feel a bit like the footage of ISIS hostages promising that they are being treated very well while someone brandishes an AK-47 behind the camera. Her mother, so convincingly, says she believes Kelsey is truly in love and that Peter is a good man and that she is being fed three solid meals a day and will be home very, very soon.

Madison’s Hometown – Auburn, Alabama

Madison, whose father is the director of basketballing at Auburn University, takes Peter to Auburn University to do some basketballing. It is delightfully emasculating to watch Charles Barkley threaten Peter’s life on the jumbotron, have Auburn’s head coach compare Peter’s skills to a six-year-old, and to see Madison obliterate him at dribbling. Considering Peter wore jeans to an athletic date, he had this coming.

At dinner, Madison’s parents seem hesitant about Peter. Chad the Frat Dad tells Madison he “laid hands on her and prayed for her husband,” presumably so she’d find one good at the basketball. He suspects Peter is not this man, given his shameful performance in front of Bruce Pearl.

Victoria F.’s Hometown – Virginia Beach, Virginia

Red flags abound during Victoria F.’s hometown: she nearly lets her dog drown, she only eats one bite of her ice cream, and she takes Peter to an old timey clothing shop so she can willing try on a corset. Afterwards, they go to a pop-up country show, not by Chase Rice, but by the guy who looks like King Joffrey.

On their way out, Peter runs into his ex-girlfriend who warns him against trusting Virginia Beach’s most notorious homewrecking dumpster fire of a woman. When Peter confronts Victoria F. about this accusation, Victoria F. professes that she literally can’t even, and denies Peter the invitation to meet her family.

Victoria F. meets Peter at his hotel the next day and the two discuss how utterly bewildered they are that they continue to be stuck with each other this far in. This, apparently, counts as reconciliation.

The Rose Ceremony

It’s nighttime in an airplane hangar, and Peter has three roses to dispense. They go to Hannah Anna, Madison, and Victoria F. The latter will live another week to wreak havoc on Australia, which frankly has had its fair share of havoc in past months. Here’s hoping all the dates involve rehabilitating orphaned koalas and hosing down sooty, sooty firemen.

Kelsey, blindsided, is out. Pour one [entire bottle of champagne] out for Kelsey.

And it is now, five minutes before the beginning of Sex Week, that Madison chooses to tell Peter she doesn’t do sex.

BRB. Brainstorming pilot euphemisms for the next seven days.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Six aka Llama Omens and The Death of Reason

Here’s What Happened Monday

It’s Week Seven, so Peter is desperate to uncover some empirical evidence that each of his 23-year-old suitors is truly ready for a lifetime commitment to him.

He also got his bandage off, which he will inform us no fewer than thirteen times.

Let’s dive in.

The First One-On-One

Peter and Madison are kidnapped by an elderly Peruvian fisherman and forced to do manual labor on his boat for the afternoon. Making the most of their circumstances, they cease fishing and engage in some heavy petting at the front of the boat.

Later, Peter begins to suspect that he would likely occupy the “kill” spot in a game of Fuck-Marry-Kill with Madison’s father and Jesus. He scrambles to scrap together a speech that makes his lack of religion sound like an acceptable amount of religion, but he blacks out during the last half of it. When he comes to, he realizes he’s told Madison that he’s in love with her. Whoops.

The Second One-On-One

Peter and Natasha explore Lima and purchase every llama-related souvenir they can find. Over margaritas, Peter tells Natasha she’s strong and honest and completely terrifying, and she leaves behind all her llama toys at the bar. Llama abandonment feels like a bad omen for Natasha.

Indeed, the llama curse takes effect over dinner. Natasha suggests that she’s can’t be completely committed while he’s not still completely committed, but speaking truth like that is a veritable death sentence in Week Seven. Peter lifts the rose off the table, yells pysch, and summons the go-home car.

Natasha, an adult with a brain and some dignity, will do just fine.

The Third One-On-One

Peter forces Kelsey to do wind sprints up a mountainside. Warding off cardiac arrest through sheer force of will, Kelsey tries to unpack what Peter means by “I want to be able to do stuff like this with you.” She begs him to do this dumb shit by himself and just let her stay home and raise the babies.

Later, at dinner, Peter praises Kelsey for not crying all day, and thus, Kelsey begins crying. She confesses that she has a secret father and a not-so-secret need for Peter to be her stable, visible, predictable option with an income and hopefully just the one gross scar.

Kelsey gets the rose.

The Three-On-One

Hannah Anna, Victoria F. and Kelley are taken on the dreaded three-on- date. Hannah Anna attempts to convince Peter that she feels real human emotions by reading him a letter she wrote in bubble letters on pink paper. “I like that you make time for me,” she says, as if he isn’t contractually obligated to do so.

Meanwhile, Kelley takes a nap on a bench and scolds Peter for waking her up. He tiptoes around the question of whether Kelley would be ready to settle down with him. Kelley resolutely denies. Her only mistake is assuming that game might recognize game, or in more specific terms, maturity might recognize maturity. Our Peter could never.

Victoria F. accuses Peter of being in a bad mood all the time. This conversation puts Peter in a terrible mood.

Does Peter Need a Dinner?

“I don’t need a dinner!” Peter declares, slapping away a plate of chicken nuggets and grabbing the roses. He gives one to Victoria F. and one to Hannah Anna.

Kelley – smart, beautiful, cocky, completely relieved Kelley – gets sent home.

This leaves us with our final four, who I’ll remind you are Hannah Anna, Madison, Victoria F. and Kelsey. I can’t wait to see how they try to make Iowa look fun.

Until next week!

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Five aka Does This Scar Make Me Look Competent?

Here’s What Happened Monday

Peter fucks up his face. Everyone has a mental breakdown. Except Kelley. Kelley now surges as a latecomer in the Iowa caucuses.

Let’s dive in.

The Rose Ceremony

Two weeks ago, Peter sent Alayah home. Last week, Peter brought Alayah back. This week, Peter sends Alayah home again, re-dumping her with the swift mercy of someone who hits a deer with his car, nurses it back to health, then hits it with his car again.

Peter tries to reassure the remaining women that he is more committed to them than ever, but all they can see is a deer killer.

At the Rose Ceremony, roses are dispensed to all but three girls whose names we don’t know, but who have apparently been here the whole time.

The First One-On-One

Upon arriving in Costa Rica, Peter – a man who is responsible for the safety of hundreds of people at a time – shanks himself in the face with a pint glass. Had he hit one inch lower, he would have lost an eye, his pilot’s license, and all the women’s interest in one fell swoop.

His mangled face now rebranded as rugged, Peter takes Sydney on a helicopter ride around a volcano, eventually landing on a lush hillside with.. a couch? Peter tells Sydney she is mysterious before interrogating her about her ethnicity. They make out.

At one point, Sydney headbutts Peter in his stitches. When Peter writhes in pain, Sydney says, “I hate that for you.”

After Sydney reveals her childhood traumas at dinner, Peter suggests a steamy poolside dry hump.

Meanwhile, Back at The Gorgeous Costa Rican Resort That Only Kelley Appreciates

Kelsey is sobbing. She claims it’s because Peter is dating other women, but I think it’s because she got her nose job from Michael Jackson’s nose job guy.

The First Group Date

Costa Rican group date is a horny disaster. Put ten women in swimsuits, dangle a spot on the cover of Cosmo for whoever gets the spiciest, and what does that get you? A few good photos and a Bachelor at the center of a waterlogged herpes outbreak.

Later, at booze party, Kelsey tells Peter she loves him, then Tammy tells Peter that Kelsey’s just drunk. Kelsey insists that she just drinks to replenish the fluids she loses from constantly crying.

The Second One-On-One

Kelley, the only one of the girls with an advanced degree, is also the only one who understands that this journey with Peter is precisely as valuable as an all-expenses paid vacation to Costa Rica. The producers sense that attitude, and as such, sign Peter and Kelley up for jungle Pre-Cana in their underwear.

Later, over drinks, Peter asks Kelley if she’s even remotely interested in him. Kelley says no. Peter insists that the process works if Kelley gives herself to it. Kelley grunts noncommittally. Peter reminds Kelley that he’s a pilot. Kelley reminds Peter that he’s just a glorified bus driver and that she out-earns him.

Kelley gets the rose.

Not The Rose Ceremony, But A Rose

Gone are the days when a girl could go on a four-day depression bender and not have to take criticism from her boyfriend’s other twelve girlfriends. First Kelsey was accused of crying too much, then of being an alcoholic, then maybe of being a drug addict, and now possibly complicit in the murder kidnapping of Jonbenet Ramsey.

Kelsey goes to Peter’s room to tell him her side of the story before he hears it elsewhere, and Peter – again, a man professionally responsible for public safety – sends Kelsey back to the villa with a pre-Rose Ceremony rose. Returning to our earlier metaphor, it’s like Peter releases the wounded deer back into the Pennsylvanian wilderness on the first day of hunting season with a big rose-shaped target painted on its back.

The Rose Ceremony

In the Bachelorverse there is no greater consequence than to lose a Cocktail Party for bad behavior. When the women learn that they will have no time with Peter prior to the Rose Ceremony, accusations abound. Is it because Kelsey went to Peter? Is it because Tammy called Kelsey a pill popper? Does one even count as a pill popper if she’s just popping Adderall and birth control like the rest of us?

Elsewhere, everywhere, Mykenna sobs.

But damned if these women won’t have their Cocktail Party. Before Peter can dispense the first rose, Tammy asks Peter if they can talk outside. Peter must know that Tammy has lost all semblance of stability, and Tammy must prove this herself in person. Mykenna follows suit, interrupting Tammy outside so she may cry directly in Peter’s face.

It’s effective. Everyone who made an emotional clown of themselves in the last six hours earns a rose. Shiann and Lexi are out.

Fact Check with Captain Steve

My boss’s husband, Captain Steve, is a pilot.

I ask Captain Steve if one can still be a pilot if one happens to shank his own eyeball out in a tragic golf cart accident.

Captain Steve responds, “No, because depth perception is pretty key for not running into things. Like the ground. With only one eye, you have no depth perception. Also, how did you get this number?”

Thanks Cap!

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Four aka Did We Honestly Think Anything Good Was Going To Happen In Cleveland

Here’s What Happened Monday

Peter takes the girls to Cleveland. Next week, maybe Guantanamo. After that, perhaps the moons of Jupiter without helmets.

Let’s dive in… to Cleveland…

The First One-On-One

It’s every little girl’s dream: to get her Bachelor one-on-one during Budget Date Week. Peter’s first order of business in Cleveland is to fly Victoria F. directly out of Cleveland (she’s afraid of heights) and right to Cedar Point (in the pouring rain).

After some rides and soon-to-be-much-needed alcohol, Peter and Victoria F. walk into a performance by Chase Rice, UNC linebacker turned NASCAR pit crew member turned reality TV star turned country music wannabe. I think the bigger plot twist than Victoria F. having dated Chase Rice in the past might be how much Peter seems to want to date Chase Rice in the future.

Later, in a dimly-lit, cavernous lobby somewhere (a Bachelor standard), Victoria F. comes clean to Peter about dating Chase Rice. No one is sure why this requires a confession. Peter wonders if he could date Chase Rice now or if that would mean breaking girl code with Victoria F. No, right? Because boys? To be determined. Victoria F. gets the rose.

The Group Date

Peter takes the women to the home of the Cleveland Browns to play a game of full-pad tackle football. The stakes provide that the losing team does not get to go to Champagne Party later, and thus the bloodlust is triggered.

The bloodlust would be more engaging if it were paired with athletic ability, but alas, the women are bad at the football. Peter spends the game oscillating between massaging the injured Victoria P. on the sideline and screaming like a fanatical dad.

Later, in the losers’ locker room, Natasha vows to block for Shiann to talk to Peter since Shiann scored all their… goals?

Later, at Champagne Party

The producers pivot and invite both teams to the post-game Champagne Party so that there are more witnesses to the undesirable return of Alayah. Alayah is back with a fresh blowout, 72 hours of Twitter tea to spill, and a plan to get back on the show and bury Victoria P. in the process.

Alayah and Victoria P. hold hands while disputing the extent of their friendship and whether they had, at some point in the past, almost planned a trip to Vegas. Peter is lost in confusion. But ultimately, because he is a solid 7.5 surrounded by – nay, fought over – by twenty 10s for the first time in his life, Peter allows Alayah to return to the show and gives her the rose to the group date she wasn’t even on.

The Second One-On-One

Peter takes Kelsey walking around Cleveland to do all the things one can do in Cleveland: eat street pierogis, dance a spontaneous polka, watch children develop dangerous street racing habits, and eventually steal the trophies the children brought.

Later, at outdoor booze time, Kelsey confesses the story of her parents’ divorce to a turtlenecked Peter. Peter watches with sad, deep eyes while he wonders what Chase Rice is doing right now.

The Rose Ceremony

Remember, Alayah has had several days at home to internet stalk all of the other contestants and returns bearing receipts. She gets to work immediately spreading rumors. Victoria F. used to date Chase Rice. Hannah Anna slept with Blake at Stagecoach. Kelley also slept with Blake at Stagecoach. Mykenna is wanted for a triple homicide in the state of Oklahoma.

At the Cocktail Party, all the women confront Peter for allowing a fox back into the hoehouse after they literally bruised for him at the football. Mykenna holds her arms out to prove the bruising. One-by-one, each woman tells Peter he is a no-talent ass clown. I personally enjoy it.

Who will he send home? Alayah the boomerang? Victoria P. the instigator? Savannah, because frankly it’s time?

Until next week.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Three aka Feathers and Crying and The Pool Party That Wasn’t

Here’s What Happened Monday

It’s been one week since the pop heard round the world, or as Hannah Anna tearfully calls it, the “finasco that was the champagne-stealing incident.” Little did we know that that would be the only interesting thing that would happen for two episodes. How do I miss Kelsey?

Let’s dive in, because perseverance is a virtue.

The First One-On-One

While the girls unravel at home, Peter takes Victoria P. on her first one-on-one to a square-dancing bar. Peter and Victoria P. both gush about how natural everything feels, even though they are doing a choreographed dance with twenty-year-old girls in a honky-tonk bar in Southern California during broad daylight.

Later, at dinner, in a hangar and surrounded by the decadence of private jets and antique planes, Victoria P. reveals her tragic family history of addiction and poverty to a doe-eyed Peter. She thinks that maybe it all led her to him, and he confirms that maybe it all led him to her – or at least, it all probably led him to one of the twenty women there, possibly her.

The Group Date

The group date hosted by infamous Colton-season reject Demi Burnett, who, as you remember, blazed the trail against heteronormativity when she brought her girlfriend on Bachelor in Paradise. Carrying that progressive spirit forward, Demi arranges a sexy pillow fight for all the women. Wait…

Demi distributes an assortment of pajamas to the ladies, ranging in relative sex appeal from lingerie to elderly-grade flannel nightgowns from Kohl’s. Viewers may have expected a clichéd porno-style pillow fight, but they failed to forecast the rage these women are rarely allowed to express physically. Alayah fills her pillowcase with nickels, enters the feather-strewn boxing ring, and bludgeons Kiama to death.

Later, at the cocktail party, Sydney suggests to Alayah that she is a brainless, superficial loser. (But pretty, so pretty). Sydney then warns Peter of this fact while batting through artificial eyelashes. Peter is rocked by this unforeseen betrayal.

The Fated Pool Party

Pool parties are sacred. As a kid, pool parties are an opportunity to eat all the pizza you can while being ravaged by insecurity in your new Old Navy swimsuit. As an adult, they are much the same but with the fun unpredictability of alcohol-accelerated sunstroke. That is a pool party.

This is not a pool party. This is a group of women who refuse to go outside because it’s humid and they curled their hair for this, while Peter pulls them to a cabana one-by-one to express his internal turmoil. With each passing rumination on Alayah’s genuineness, we lose more daylight and further disgrace the institution of the pool party. I chipped a tooth on a beer bottle in a swim-up bar during Spring Break in Punta Cana my senior year of college. Now that was a pool party. This is pale, sun-safe torture.

 The Rose Ceremony

The collective anxiety at the Rose Ceremony is high, primarily because most of the women did not get to spend time with Peter at Group Therapy In Proximity To A Pool.

Peter distributes roses to the usual suspects until he promptly leaves to go speak with his father, Chris Harrison. Returning, Peter bequeaths his last rose to Mykenna and not Alayah, who’s name he could never pronounce anyway. He immediately regrets this decision, because he is a weak, weak man.

Two or three other girls go home, but unfortunately no one cares.

Until next week, which would be hard-pressed to be less engaging.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week One aka Pilot Pete’s Got An Oversold Flight and Hannah B’s First On The Standby List Lol Sorry

Here’s What Happened Monday

Welcome home Blogchelorians! As you know, ABC has blessed this new decade with a fresh season of The Bachelor starring Pilot Pete “Came In Third And A Windmill” Weber. Let us all remember that, per his introduction, Peter is a kindly pilot from California, that his father has a mustache, and that his mother teaches him long Spanish parables that they can all recite together at the dinner table like culty incantations. He’s a bilingual catch with a steady job that he has forsaken for this show. Let’s dive in!

 Let’s Meet Some of Peter’s Ladies

To remind us that he is truly a pilot’s pilot, Peter washes a plane with his shirt off and strokes the propeller blades just long enough that it becomes uncomfortable to watch.

Later, because he must have witnessed them commit a murder and blackmailed them into this, Peter invites a Blue Angel and a Marine pilot to guide the women through a vaguely flight-themed obstacle course complete with third grade math and bouncy, low-impact athleisure.

Kelley cheats through the obstacle course, but as cheating is an American virtue, she wins the sunset flight with Peter. Elsewhere, the spurned women plot her murder.

 Wow So Many Ladies

To remind us that he is truly a pilot’s pilot, Peter washes a plane with his shirt off and strokes the propeller blades just long enough that it becomes uncomfortable to watch.

Later, because he must have witnessed them commit a murder and blackmailed them into this, Peter invites a Blue Angel and a Marine pilot to guide the women through a vaguely flight-themed obstacle course complete with third grade math and bouncy, low-impact athleisure.

Kelley cheats through the obstacle course, but as cheating is an American virtue, she wins the sunset flight with Peter. Elsewhere, the spurned women plot her murder.

 Was That A Cow?

Yes, that was a cow, escorted by a Jenna.  

Victoria F. informs Peter that she “has a dry sense of humor, but that’s the only thing that’s dry” thus implying that Victoria F. is either currently, or perhaps perpetually, aroused. Later, when Peter forgets this personal tidbit about her reproductive physiology, Victoria F. cries.

Natasha greets Peter in an unsettling, lusty whisper, and later reveals that she is going to suck for the duration of this show.

Hannah B. is a pageant queen, a wily Libra, and the former Bachelorette. Upon her arrival, all the women inside the mansion scream like they’ve been trapped in a housefire.

 The First Rose Ceremony

Peter spends approximately thirty seconds with each woman before deciding if they would compatible for at least an additional thirty seconds, and then proceeds to the first Rose Ceremony to cement his decisions.

Because his mother is the only flight attendant he’ll ever truly love, Peter eliminates all three flights attendants right off the bat. He also kills Avonlea because he can’t say her name, and then Jenna, Katrina, Kylie, Maurissa and Megan too.

Hannah Anna wins the First Impression Rose, but Grandma Rose wins the Thirst Impression Rose.

 The First Group Date

To remind us that he is truly a pilot’s pilot, Peter washes a plane with his shirt off and strokes the propeller blades just long enough that it becomes uncomfortable to watch.

Later, because he must have witnessed them commit a murder and blackmailed them into this, Peter invites a Blue Angel and a Marine pilot to guide the women through a vaguely flight-themed obstacle course complete with third grade math and bouncy, low-impact athleisure.

Kelley cheats through the obstacle course, but as cheating is an American virtue, she wins the sunset flight with Peter. Elsewhere, the spurned women plot her murder.

 The First One-On-One

I’ll admit, I was on a plane watching this episode (#authenticity) and lost service for the entirety of Madison’s one-on-one. According to my cousin, Peter takes Madison to his parents’ vow renewal, which really makes this date a two-on-two.

Here’s how I’m sure it went: Peter takes Madison to the ceremony. Madison pretends to be moved until she can sneak away to the bathroom for a quick pee and a panic attack. Later, somehow, a door opens and there’s a country concert playing just for them.

Am I close?

The Second Group Date

The women are perturbed when Hannah Brown arrives at the group date to recount the story of defiling Peter in a windmill last year. She instructs the other women to go write down a story about how they’ve had sex before, just not with Peter, or in a windmill.

Taking advantage of the diversion, Peter comforts an emotionally distraught Hannah who, almost criminally, was put in non-waterproof mascara for this scene. Peter invites Hannah to join the house, possibly just in a consultant capacity. Peter seems practical like that.

Until next week!

 Fact Check With Captain Steve

My boss’s husband is an airline and Air Force pilot. We’ll call him Steve, since that’s his name.

When asked to disclose the adventures of being a pilot, Captain Steve inquired as to whether I considered “flying the shuttle between Boston and LaGuardia to be a fucking adventure.” Additionally, he cited some of the less-glamorous elements of being a pilot to be working fourteen-hour days, dealing with influencers onboard (not even good ones), and being denied “day rooms” by the airlines on long delays. I am 80% sure that day rooms are not airport brothels, but I did not verify.

I also asked Captain Steve if Pilot Pete would be able to just whisk his lady away to Hawaii on a whim. Captain Steve suggested that it was doubtful, as those flights are generally full and weight-restricted, and that after three days of waiting at LAX for an open seat Peter will have already moved on. He also shared that if Peter’s lady decided to lose her shit at a gate agent, Peter would lose his travel benefits altogether. Sounds sexy!